poem bpd (not mine)

A Family Resemblance

-Audre Lorde

My sister has my hair my mouth my eyes
and I presume her trustless.
When she was young and open to any fever
wearing gold like a veil of fortune on her face
she waited through each rain a dream of light.
But the sun came up
burning our eyes like crystal
bleaching the sky of promise and
my sister stood
Black, unblessed and unbelieving
shivering in the first cold show of love.

I saw her gold become an arch
where nightmares hunted
down the porches of restless night.
Now through echoes of denial
she walks a bleached side of reason.
Secret now
my sister never waits
nor mourns the gold that wandered from her bed.

My sister has my tongue
and all my flesh
unanswered
and I presume her trustless
as a stone.




I don't think Lorde was BPD, but i feel at home inside this particular work. I don't think she's referring to her sister as untrustworthy---I think instead she understands that her sister has little trust in the world because of intense disillusionment.

Sometimes i think repeated disillusionment sits somewhere at my core---either because inconsistency hits me intensely, or because i'm basically set up to seek situations in which disillusionment is unavoidable.

Or possibly, because of the black and white way in which i see the world---perfection or horror---disillusionment is just part of my make-up(?)

(btw, I'm not diagnosed, but i relate to the intense splitting, the tendency to seek out relationships that mirror my original pain (family), turbulent relationships, self-harm, earlier eating disorder, anxiety, etc.)

I like this post

Thanks for introducing me to her (:
Just looked up that poet and found this which I liked too..

"A Litany for Survival

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive."
— Audre Lorde

matter wrote:Thanks for introducing me to her (:
Just looked up that poet and found this which I liked too..

"A Litany for Survival

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive."
— Audre Lorde

you're so welcome, i'm glad you like her.

i've seen that poem, yes. 'for those of us imprinted with fear.' she says so beautifully what i feel but can't always say. there is no judgement, just what is.

Thank you for posting these, ireneadler999 & matter.