what helps you when your angry

i just wonered if anyone had any tips or advice. what do find works best when you can feel a big argument developing?? even as im saying something i can hear myself saying 'dont react, dont react', but i still do. Ive started walking away mid argument as i am now aware that it the only way i can calm down...but i cant seem to do this before it gets to this stage.

I was just wondering if anyone has managed to get this anger when it comes to arguments under control?? and if so how?x

unity1 wrote:i just wondered if anyone had any tips or advice. what do find works best when you can feel a big argument developing?? even as im saying something i can hear myself saying 'dont react, dont react', but i still do. Ive started walking away mid argument as i am now aware that it the only way i can calm down...but i cant seem to do this before it gets to this stage.

I was just wondering if anyone has managed to get this anger when it comes to arguments under control?? and if so how?x

Hi Unity,
I do not see anger as a negative emotion. I also believe there are 2 kinds of anger. Past anger- relating to the injustices of our upbringing or injustices against the true self. And present anger -
meaning we feel violated in some way by something going on now.

Both types of anger are nothing more then a signal. They are a signal that we have a NEED and we need to be able to convey our need to others.

Issues regarding Past anger usually relate to a persons basic or survival needs: the need for food, shelter, ect, but I would add to that a basic need to be seen by others as good or acceptable. In fact if I were Maslow I would have put LOVE and acceptance as one of the basic human survival needs. Not because love is needed for physical survival, but because it is needed for the self to develope ( for a healthy mental state to be maintained throughout life/mental survival). because these needs are about survival they are very strong, therefore when we are deprived of these needs during development our subconscious takes offense and requires justice. This subconscious need produces intense anger when a current event reminds us of a past developmental injustice. The result is often some form of RAGE.

Ok however, there is also anger which relates soley to events in the now. A lot of these needs relate not to things we need, but to things we want or dont want. For example: I may WANT to sleep late because I am tired from working all week while my wife may want me to get up and take care of the kids and let her sleep late because she is exhausted from having to get up with them all week. Anger in the present can actually be a very productive thing.

If no one ever got angry there would still be slavery, women would still not have the vote, and there would be no mandatory reporting of sexual offenses. If channeled correctly anger produces the energy required to find and implement solutions.

Because of this the last thing I would tell you to do is to ignore it. I CAN give you some steps though in handling it in a productive rather then destructive fashion.

1) See your anger as a signal indicating that you have a need.

2) Ask yourself what you need. What do you need to make the situation feel fair to you.

3) Now think about the other person. Ask them what THEY need to make the situation feel fair to THEM and listen to them with the idea that a mutually fair solution can be reached.
4) Next tell them what you need and that you also desire a solution that will seem fair to you BOTH.

5) Tell them that you will focus on looking for a compromise that will be fair to you both and ask them to help you find a solution in this regard.
6) the key to channeling anger into a positive force is in focusing on a solution toward getting everyones needs met rather the focusing on the FEELINGS which anger might produce.

Hope this is helpful

There isn't much I can add but I do remember that part of handling confrontation, as per DBT, is to keep in mind the importance of the relationship.

This is my advice, how I deal with this usually.

I started to identify and then match up physical signs that an emotion was coming on. This takes a really long time but it's the only way I 'catch' myself before I get full-blown rage (which hasn't happened for years now).

I'll do it out for anger.
This is how my body experiences getting angry ............... (fill it in) starting with what you notice first (this can be stiffness, clenching fists, a feeling in the stomach, it's very personal). For me it's a feeling in my stomach like a hot, lead ball just sitting there.

So once you know what your body feels like and some of the thoughts you have while angry, you can look for more subtle clues as you get to know yourself. You can stop an angry reaction as soon as you notice any tension in your body because you have time, the emotion isn't strong yet.

Emotions are fed, starved, or nurtured. As was suggested, we can learn to 'use' our emotions for us, rather than against us. Feed your rage with angry thoughts and body posturing and you'll react. Starve your rage by trying to ignore it and it'll just keep coming up stronger. Instead, if you know you're getting angry, you can direct the course/power of that emotion to be firmer in your request/denial and your need for space from the person that you're in conflict with.

Remember, it is ALWAYS okay to walk away and gather yourself. It's hard when it's family, but when you've calmed down (and they will too), you can explain that you walked away to cool off, so you wouldn't have any rage when you talked to them again.

Also, there are situations that you may be in that you can't use any skilful means, the other person is beyond reproach. This is the BEST time to walk away. (and to consider not interacting with that person beyond social graces)>

HTH,

Hi
It's really hard not to engage in an argument especially when you are feeling threatened subconsciously, and you feel as though you have to explain or justify yourself. I hate that feeling these days, when there is a row brewing, whereas before when I was younger, I revelled in it. It used to make me feel alive - I thrived on dramas because it validated me and my existence. These days, it just feels like a hassle, like something that stops life from going on, and after the drama, you have to pick up the pieces and start again and it's tiring, so I usually try to diffuse it before it escalates, because it's far less energy to do that and I'm basically a lazy person

So, what I do to stop an argument from escalating is usually to walk away, and think, because it is usually my mouth that does most of the damage. I can be the most verbally abusive and nasty person when I feel threatened, so I walk away and think about what the argument is really about. Is it about the issue at hand, or is it really about me, and what I feel, and nine times out of ten, it is about me and how I feel So, then, I think about my feelings rationally, and see if my perspective is based on my fears or a rational one. Again, it's usually based on my fears, so I try and shift my perspective. That usually works. If I'm feeling particularly bloody minded and just want an argument for the sake of it, I will do that too, just so I get that rush, but most of the time when I do that nowadays (I think I'm getting too old for hassle ) I feel like crap anyway, and it takes ages until me and hubby get all nice and affectionate again. I do get simmering rages, where it's just underneath the surface and it doesn't take a lot to get me to explode but I usually try and rationalise that too. I think I'm a bit more chilled these days

moomin wrote:Hi
If I'm feeling particularly bloody minded and just want an argument for the sake of it, I will do that too, just so I get that rush

Hi moomin I love thast NAME!!

I want to ask if when you feel like this you have ever thought of telling the person you are with ......you know what I feel like I just want to argue and create some drama right now. I don't know why I feel this way!


I am just thinking if you never did that.....I would be curious what would happen. I mean maybe whatever dialogue developed would be interesting or something for you during that time.
It would be honest and who knows......it might make things better

ThisEndUp wrote:
Hi moomin I love thast NAME!!

I want to ask if when you feel like this you have ever thought of telling the person you are with ......you know what I feel like I just want to argue and create some drama right now. I don't know why I feel this way!


I am just thinking if you never did that.....I would be curious what would happen. I mean maybe whatever dialogue developed would be interesting or something for you during that time.
It would be honest and who knows......it might make things better

Thanks! I loved the Moomins as a child, hence the name.

Hmmm, I've never actually thought of telling my hubby that I just feel like wanting to argue and create a drama because he'd just tell me to p*ss off and not be so silly lol. He's AS so he doesn't suffer fools gladly, and he's more likely to tell me to argue with the wall because he won't engage if he knew I was just being bloody minded. I suppose I also get the perverse delight in knowing that I'm manipulating the situation because I might not necessarily believe what I say, but I'm just being devil's advocate and stir the situation for the sake of an adrenaline rush. What I tend to do is argue, get the rush, maybe even shed a few tears and feel sorry for myself, and then act like nothing's happened while he's still seething from the nastiness of it. I do feel guilty sometimes, but it's a slightly guilty pleasure and I really ought to stop doing that because it hurts him, the stuff I say. I suppose I rationalise it sometimes by thinking , well I don't do it very often, and okay I actually feel really bad now that I see what I'm doing and the fact that I'm making excuses for it speaks volumes! Eek! Okay I'm gonna be really nice to him tomorrow and make him all the cups of coffee he wants all day as penance!

ThisEndUp wrote:

moomin wrote:Hi
If I'm feeling particularly bloody minded and just want an argument for the sake of it, I will do that too, just so I get that rush

Hi moomin I love thast NAME!!

I want to ask if when you feel like this you have ever thought of telling the person you are with ......you know what I feel like I just want to argue and create some drama right now. I don't know why I feel this way!


I am just thinking if you never did that.....I would be curious what would happen. I mean maybe whatever dialogue developed would be interesting or something for you during that time.
It would be honest and who knows......it might make things better

There are better rushes. Edit: didn't want to just leave that it's vague.... okay, some better rushes::::

Dubstep music (Flux Pavillion, DJ Fresh, Skrillex to name a few)
Running/swimming/biking really hard and then collapsing on the grass
Really good sex
Watching a deeply engrossing and exciting visual effects movie, like Lord of the Rings
Going camping and waking up to the sunrise over the ridge you just climbed
Discovering you're really good at .... baking (for me)
Thinking about good times (reminiscing)
Petting a fuzzy animal
Going to the aquarium ( a big one, like Boston Aquarium)
Theme park rides


When one discovers that pleasure is the same as pain and vice versa, there is no limit.... !

SKYDIVING!!

kirayng wrote:There are better rushes.

Yes, I realise this lol.

Just checking!! IT's a GOSH DARNED REFLEX !! LIKE TOURETTES ' lol lol

kirayng wrote: If

There are better rushes. Edit: didn't want to just leave that it's vague.... okay, some better rushes::::

Dubstep music (Flux Pavillion, DJ Fresh, Skrillex to name a few)
Running/swimming/biking really hard and then collapsing on the grass
Really good sex
Watching a deeply engrossing and exciting visual effects movie, like Lord of the Rings
Going camping and waking up to the sunrise over the ridge you just climbed
Discovering you're really good at .... baking (for me)
Thinking about good times (reminiscing)
Petting a fuzzy animal
Going to the aquarium ( a big one, like Boston Aquarium)
Theme park rides


When one discovers that pleasure is the same as pain and vice versa, there is no limit.... !

SKYDIVING!!

It's okay I found zumba!! I'm completely addicted!