If you read the rest, thank you. Also, thanks for any input you may have. Here we go, straight from my journal: (sorry for any coarse language, again - straight from my journal)
I would like to sum up the past several months so I have a clearer view of what has gone down...
For months and months now, I have been feeling extremely empty and bored. I would sit and think of things to do and get highly agitated when I couldn't figure out something to do that made me feel fulfilled. It was very distressing. After months of this, my relationship with Tom also began to deteriorate and we were chatting and talking less. I would get explosively and frantically upset if I thought he was slighting me in some way. I'm not sure which came first, his "abandonment" or me "giving him $#%^" because of my perception of this abandonment. All I know is, the more he ignored me, the more $#%^ I would give him. And the more $#%^ I would give him, the less he wanted to do with me. Now I felt bored and lonely and I would go through every emotion from extreme sadness to overwhelming anger. I would be extremely excitable, sometimes in a negative way..but sometimes in almost a "manic" way - getting all stoked about a new project, to the point of obsession, only to abandon that idea shortly after and completely lose passion for it. Then I would frantically look for something else to embark on. It always ended in frustration.
One Saturday a few months ago, Tom and I had a chat that went horribly wrong. Strangely, I don't even remember exactly what happened. I just remember being a total mess. Mommy kept asking if I was ok. I wasn't. I was quiet, short tempered and agitated. She kept asking me if I wanted to go out and do something. I'm not sure if she was trying to cheer me up or of part of her was afraid to leave me alone. She knew something wasn't right. I just couldn't wait for them to go out and leave me to have my melt-down.
When they left, I let my guard down and became a mess. I was crying hysterically, shaking and I felt like I was going crazy. I was feeling very impulsive. I had this strong desire to kill or severely harm myself - not like a "cutter" would but in an extremely violent way. I still can't really understand why I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn't. And while I felt very impulsive, I managed not to try to kill myself either. I did, however, order vodka during this episode with plans on using the vodka and pills to over dose as soon as I got the alcohol. I was certain at that time that I would follow through with this.
Luckily though, by the time I got the vodka two days later, the impulse I had to kill myself was totally gone. In fact, the episode only lasted a few hours. Of course, now I had all of this vodka to drink and I though "Well, if nothing else, It will help calm me during this hard time. Boy, was I wrong. My usual days of drinking to be happy were gone. This time around, when I was bored and got drunk, I would just be drunk and more bored. If I was agitated, drinking just made it worse. And if I was feeling sad, again, the vodka just made it worse. I ran out of the alcohol and decided I was done drinking. However my mood problems continued and so did the deterioration of my relationship with Brian.
Since then, I've had several more of these episodes where I was agitated and felt the impulsive suicidal/self-harm thoughts. I was beginning to scare myself because while I hadn't acted on these impulses yet, I was surely afraid that I could and eventually would. After a few months, during another episode, I ordered more alcohol, this time just "because". And, again, it just made things worse. I hated the hangover feeling and, even more so, the fear of getting caught. But I didn't.
But one day I was drinking and upset and I began to look on the web for "impulsive suicidal thoughts". I had felt suicidal many years ago but in a different way. It was more thought out and deep down, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to die, I just wanted a solution to my problems. This was different though. I felt like I may not be able to control myself in a heated moment. So while drunk and upset and searching for answers, I came to the conclusion that I was not safe. I called a crisis hotline and they assured me that the best thing to do was go to the hospital. So that's when I called mommy and asked her to come home early. She did. And I packed some things and mommy and Mike took me to the hospital.
The day after I got home was difficult. I was alone and, again, had time to do some research on "impulsive suicide". I was reading and came across Borderline Personality Disorder. The symptoms seemed to describe exactly what I was going through. At the time, this upset me terribly and again, I felt un-safe. I was back on the phone with the crisis center and wanted to go back to the hospital with my new found information. This time, I was told repeatedly that I did not need to go back to the hospital and that I was over-reacting. In fact, that one bitch, Liz, told me I needed to get off of the internet and stop diagnosing myself. Part of me understood. But part of me felt unheard. I knew I was onto something.
I've been through enough and I've put my family through enough. With all of my problems, I never thought I'd be in a seriously suicidal situation. And I NEVER thought I would voluntarily hospitalize myself
----- That's some of what was in my journal. I hope some of you can help shed some light on the subject. Thanks
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