Fear of Abandonment and the Need to be Alone

I am terrified of being left out, left behind, forgotten about, left in general. However, I frequently feel safer when I am by myself. Even though I don't want to be abandoned, I also want to be left alone. Being with other people is so tremendously stressful for me. The constant worry of screwing up and people rejecting me makes me want to lock myself in the safety of a dark closet with a blanket and pillow, where no one can find me and I can't let anyone down.
Right now I can't figure out how it all makes sense. How does a person fear being left alone in this world more than anything else, and also crave alone time?

I like this post. It's a good question to explore.
For me, I know what it is. I need also a lot of alone time. My friend sometimes tells me, I am being too isolated. Being alone, is your choice. It's on your terms, when you choose to be. It's your choice. Being abandoned is on others' terms, and may not suit your terms or your choice.

I too, feel this way, and I think what Invisible said is also a good point.

For instance, if someone gets mad and leaves me (like my bf and I getting in a fight this weekend and him threatening to go home), then I panic and freak out, and it sets me into orbit.

But, if we go somewhere, and I am starting to feel uncomfortable with all the people around, and not wanting to talk to anyone, or be social, then I feel completely okay in going home to be alone.

It's an interesting concept. It's almost like we like to be alone, but on our own terms.

AMP

You make a good point InvisibleGhost.

I recently had a Dr tell me that from what he could tell the thing I craved most was to be able to have relationships with people, yet in my head I was raging at him because I know that I also have a very strong desire to be alone. & I'm definitely in denial about it.
Wouldn't be the first time the need for control caused me problems.

Maybe we only crave what seems like an excessive amount of alone time (to other people) because if we don't the overwhelming need to be close to others (which, for me, is usually an unrealistic kind of closeness) will leave us feeling even more empty than we already do. Of course, challenging that and telling yourself you don't want to be around people makes it a little easier to accept that you are too afraid to get too close incase you get hurt.

Just my perspective, I'm sure others feel differently (but I wrote it in the plural beforehand ) ^^

And have you guys noticed too, that when ever you have to leave someone or go somewhere, you are almost like over-bearing about it. Like you tell the person 6 times, why you can't talk on the phone that minute, and I don't dare miss a date (which is why I am terrified of sheduals). This is all out of guilt that they may take it the wrong way and feel rejected. So even after I explained 6 times, that I have to go, and my friend is fine with it, I feel as if he is feeling rejected. (Like how can I tell what he is feeling, I mean realistically!) Maybe I am projecting some of this back onto him, when the situation is reversed, and he tells me he can't talk, and then leaves sweetly, without all that ridiculus drama I did internally and externally (the 6 explanations), and I feel like I'm abandoned, because that over bearing pandering to avoid feelings of rejection, wasn't there with him.

I hope I didn't take this thread off, but it's a great concept like MsAli said. It's quite insane actually!

I feel this way so much..... I feel left out all the time, whether thats just in my head or not i don;t know. I want to be needed. I fear being around people becuase i worry that they'd think im boring or that im not fun, that i'll say something wrong or upset someone, and even though I want to be around people, when i feel all this, I want to run and hide alone in my room, but when i'm there alone, i don't want to be there either! I understand where you're coming from.....

It's so good to know that I am not alone in this experience of needing to be alone and yet fearing abandonment. I think that there is a lot of truth in what people have said about needing to be alone is something that is on our terms, we control it, whereas with abandonment we are at the mercy of others. I am really glad that I posed this question, and I thank you all for your answers.

mooshoo wrote:I am terrified of being left out, left behind, forgotten about, left in general. However, I frequently feel safer when I am by myself. Even though I don't want to be abandoned, I also want to be left alone. Being with other people is so tremendously stressful for me. The constant worry of screwing up and people rejecting me makes me want to lock myself in the safety of a dark closet with a blanket and pillow, where no one can find me and I can't let anyone down.
Right now I can't figure out how it all makes sense. How does a person fear being left alone in this world more than anything else, and also crave alone time?

Mooshoo, it makes perfect sense. Being by yourself can be a way of avoiding being left out, left behind, forgotten about and left in general. if you are alone, you can't be abandoned, and if you're alone, you don't have to worry about screwing up or people rejecting you. it isn't a contradiction at all, it makes perfect sense.

but we all screw up, screwing up is just being human, and the right people won't reject you over the odd screw up. i can understand that a bit, cause of some of the things i struggle with too, sometimes issues can make you do the opposite to stuff!

mooshoo wrote:I am terrified of being left out, left behind, forgotten about, left in general. However, I frequently feel safer when I am by myself. Even though I don't want to be abandoned, I also want to be left alone. Being with other people is so tremendously stressful for me. The constant worry of screwing up and people rejecting me makes me want to lock myself in the safety of a dark closet with a blanket and pillow, where no one can find me and I can't let anyone down.
Right now I can't figure out how it all makes sense. How does a person fear being left alone in this world more than anything else, and also crave alone time?

I empathize. I've struggled with creating and sustaining good healthy relationships my whole life. It's like everyone got a memmo on how to act and fit in. but not me.
I just got rejected by my good friends from a parenting site. How the hell does a person screw up long distance friendships? Well I guess however you do it I did it.
You're not alone;. I feel just the same and I'm here if you need to talk.

mooshoo wrote:I am terrified of being left out, left behind, forgotten about, left in general. However, I frequently feel safer when I am by myself. Even though I don't want to be abandoned, I also want to be left alone. Being with other people is so tremendously stressful for me. The constant worry of screwing up and people rejecting me makes me want to lock myself in the safety of a dark closet with a blanket and pillow, where no one can find me and I can't let anyone down.
Right now I can't figure out how it all makes sense. How does a person fear being left alone in this world more than anything else, and also crave alone time?

Describes me perfectly. You're not alone.