Coping with need for validity

Hi, I just stumbled onto this site looking for some help tonight.
I'm not an "officially" diagnosed BPD, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II. After changing psychiatrists I was told that my condition is closer to that of BPD than Bipolar disorder but he wasn't ready to put that official stamp on it yet. I sometimes question how much of a BPD I may be and I find myself thinking that maybe I have a "mild" case of it....but then sometimes I think I've just learned to cope with things better through group therapy and practice and I also wonder if maybe my own opinion doesn't count because I'm "flawed". Sorry for all the quotations, lol.

So, my question is...do any of you suffer from issues of validity? I find that I often look to others to validate my worth, my esteem, my significance in this world. I know logically that that is a lost cause. My thoughts towards myself are what gives me those things, however what I actually feel more often than not contradict what I know in my head time and time again. It's very exhausting. I've even been told by my therapist not to trust my "gut feeling" because even that is flawed.

The issue of emptiness and my self esteem and my self worth are especially weighing on me tonight. I try very hard to be a good person and I try very hard to be a pleasing person. Going out of my way day in and day out for others' benefits and I put a lot of effort into making other people happy. At the same time that I can say that I don't do things because I want something in return....I do feel like if sometimes I feel neglected, or I feel ignored, or I feel unwanted..it erases every good, nice, kind thing I've done. I feel like I waste time, that my actions don't matter. Possibly the issue is that I work so hard to do nice things because I want the praise and the pleased attitude with me? If I make someone happy with something I've done than I MUST matter! ...kind of thing?

I find it unfair to count on others to make me feel better about myself. It's unfair to my boyfriend, to my friends, to my son and I'd really like to be able to conquer this issue on my own. Feeling rejected and unloved only cause unnecessary situations and my disorder in my head isn't their responsibility nor is it their burden to carry. It's why I want help. When these feelings creep in, saying that I realize they don't ever really creep out either, I don't want them to affect my interactions with them. So, enough rambling....what kind of coping skills or self-therapy do y'all practice? Any words of advice?

I feel so tired of dealing with my issues time and time again, but I believe I've snagged me a great guy and I'd like to keep the interference my mental issues cause to a minimum....not to mention....it seems nice to actually like yourself, I'd like in on that action.

Thanks in advance....sorry to have rambled on...there's not anyone around to listen at the moment.

-Nicole

Hi Nicole, welcome to the forum (:

I have had plenty of issues with this, with needing others to validate me. But over time it does get easier to deal with. I started by printing a list of the things people have said they like about me and stuck it to my wardrobe, so every day I would see it. Eventually I started liking a few more things about me, and over time stopped caring so much about what others thought.

minatsuchan wrote:Possibly the issue is that I work so hard to do nice things because I want the praise and the pleased attitude with me? If I make someone happy with something I've done than I MUST matter! ...kind of thing?

I can so relate to that! But like you said, it's exhausting. It's good that you see that it's also unfair to need others to make you feel better about yourself.

You could try saying kind things to yourself. When you complete a task - be it for yourself or someone else - tell yourself how well you've done. When you feel neglected, ignored or unwanted, try to work out why and if you can, objectively look at the scenario. For example, if a friend takes a while to reply to a phone message or text, it's easy to feel ignored and think that friend doesn't want to talk to you. But it's more likely that the friend simply hasn't had the chance to reply.

Another thing I've found to help me was to decide what I thought would make me feel significant in the world and make that my goal. I love helping people, so I'm on several forums for mental health, and run a couple, and help people that way. I also have a daughter and husband now, and I love being a mum and wife. More often then not, I feel I have worth and significance now because I've achieved those goals, and am on the way to achieving a couple others.

When it comes to your gut feeling, its very possible that right now it's flawed. But I think it's dangerous to outright ignore it, personally. IMO, it's better to take it into account, and if you think it's flawed at the moment to also take in your knowledge and emotions as well. In time, you'll probably find that your gut instinct is working well, but if you've learned to ignore it then you have to re-learn to listen to it (speaking from experience).

Nicole, I can relate to everything that you said in your post. I am always trying to be "good" and want others to see me as good. But for me I think that I am trying so hard to be good because I feel that I am bad inside. I desperately want people to be happy with me so that they won't judge me or leave me. It is exhausting and emotionally agonizing to need constant validation. Ultimately, no one can fill that emptiness inside us.

Its amazing to me that you know all these things. i think that shows good self awareness. I found all this out in therapy. i was wondering around the world doing all these things:seeking validation from others, seeking approval, judgeing myself without even knowing it. When I found out and understood my patterns, then I was able to start turning it around.
Today, I seek validation from ME. I seek approval from ME. and the way to get rid of that emptiness and the inner void, is to be self connected(to your feelings) and self aware. In therapy, that is called mindfullness.