Ultimatum

I guess my parents finally cracked and blew up on me, telling me every obscenity in the book. Telling me I am a piece of $#%^ that is selfish and cold hearted. That I treat THEM horrible and will make THEM go crazy. That I am selfish and torture THEM. That I make THEM cry every night in desperation. That I need to change. That I cause THEM to be the way they are towards me. That I cause THEM to hate me and hate life.

I have been given an ultimatum now. Either "change", go to a psychologist, both, or get kicked out.
I am in my last year of high school. so this would be really bad.

I would like to go to a psychologist and finally get placed in some sort of bracket or umbrella that tells me what's wrong with me. A Dx, I suppose. But on the other hand I don't believe everything in this house and in this "family" has to come down to me. I am the way I am because of THEM, not because I choose to be. Why the f would I choose to be this way?

The worst part of it all is after they went off on me and then went about to shun me for a day, they told me "don't kill yourself, everything has solutions."

WHAT THE F---.

THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY.

I just really am at the point that I want to send their femaledog butts to the psychologist, because I am not the only messed up one here.

They go victimizing themselves, oh poor them, oh no how could they be so low, oh gosh this is so sad. And they don't even question what they did wrong, what they can do to fix it. Instead they just blame it all on me, a child that cannot even fathom what the next year will hold for me. What I am and will become.

Something else...I tried to apologize. I got stopped mid sentence and told "I don't care, don't tell me you're sorry, just change." As if I haven't tried for 5 years to be a different way...

I might just take the bottom end of the deal and move out. But I think the whole "fixing" myself needs to be done.

Wow. Just Wow. Invalidation ahoy! No one can "Just Change", especially someone suffering from a major mental illness. That really sucks your parents would say that.

I do think, however, the earlier you can get help the better. The longer this disorder has to stew, the harder it is to get better. Back in my day ::cough, wheeze *insert walker here*:: when I started experiencing symptoms of BPD, it was so poorly understood that no one would diagnose me. My mother thought that it had to be all her fault, and there were no other factors, so she wouldn't own up to it. 14 years later, after a life of pretty much failing at everything I attempt to do, I'm finally getting the help I need. The longer you follow the road to hell, the harder it is to find your way back.

Here is a good search engine for places that have DBT trained therapists: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm

If you're worried about a place to live, ask about residential programs that could help you.