Losing it and scared to death of the next few days..

I haven't been doing well lately. I came very very close to self harming yesterday. I had some seriously depressing events happen this week and I dealt with it alright I guess. It's weird.. it's almost as though I'm going sort of numb and not feeling the emotions as I should... except for last night. I broke down for about 20 minutes. My mother is an emotionless person. Any emotion she shows is as fake as the rest of her. I'm SO afraid that I'll turn into her. Not feeling the emotions is scaring me to death. It's frightening how she can literally not care who she upsets, what she does or what happens in her life. She's been married to my father for close to 40 years and I can honestly see she doesn't care about him at all.. not one bit. As for me, I think she cares only a little. If I were to pass away.. she'd be upset but probably drink and forget about it. If my Dad were to pass away.. I think she'd have a party and be happy and live with the guy that she's probably cheating on. She sneaks around with this guy and brags about it to me. It triggers my anxiety so badly and I feel guilty. I've talked with my Dad about it before and it always blows up into a huge fight where I have to be in the middle holding them back from getting physically violent. My mom bragged about seeing the guy to me this morning. I want to punch her when she says it. I have to just ignore it I guess and let it eat me up inside. I don't know ;(

This weekend is a holiday which makes me nervous automatically. I'm afraid my only friend (the person my mom is most likely cheating with) is going to go to the lake for the weekend and abandon me (2 hours away from our town). I was friends with him BEFORE my Mom started her $#%^. He's all I had growing up so I cling to him like crazy and hope that he really isn't cheating with my Mom. UGH! Maybe it's just my fault that I'm in these situations.

Things are good with my fiance but I worry that I take my anxiety out on him. I don't mean to.. it's just when everyone else in my life is dishonest is causes me to question everything. I don't want to bother him with my problems with my Mom because he's heard it far too many times. I don't have any friends to talk to about this stuff so I feel alone sort of.

All I want to do is blow every last sent of my money and max out every credit card I have and buy whatever I can to make myself happy for at least a little while. I can't save up for anything ever because I spend my last dollar when I'm upset.

It's hard for me to eat because I'm so depressed.. or numb I don't even know anymore. I want to be painfully thin so people will notice and pay attention to me.

I hate myself for bothering people with my problems and insecurities. I want to be "normal". I don't care about things that I should.. I have no reaction really. Earthquake? Eh who care. Hurricane? Doesn't bother me... I'll even stand outside in it. Don't answer my call? I'll probably cut myself. See what I mean? I am completely opposite of what I should be.

Help? Advice? Something? Please?

I am also, a complete and utter mess myself, today. Our bank is the bus stop for the downtown area today because of a large festival being held this weekend that has streets blocked down.

I have fantasized about throwing myself out in traffic in front of one of the buses, but I'm scared I'll live, and then I'll just be locked away forever. And then it will all be in the local newspaper, and everyone will know i'm crazy for sure.

I do completely understand how you feel. My mother can be emotionless as well. Usually when she shows some, its for the benefit of someone else. I'm scared that I'll turn out just like her, too.

I think that your living in that house is a toxic mess, and you need to get away from it if you are of age to move out. Do you work?

AMP

What's your fiancé up to tomorrow? Ask him if the two of you can go out somewhere for the day. Take the entire day, just the two of you. Go for a drive, find another town, and play tourists. If you two have the time and money, get a nice hotel for the night and play honeymooners as well. It'll at least give you a day or two of plain ol' happiness.

Just a thought...

You can't save your father from your mother, nor should you have to.

You can't save your mother from herself......nor should you have to.

And you certainly cannot save yourself, from her........don't let her crazy, hurt you.



That is a very messed up situation that your mother is so close with your only friend. Perhaps you need to choose a different friend or go without if your friend doesn't respect you enough to stay away from your crazy mother.

(how did this happen? why didn't you put a stop to it right away? is this person really a friend...or just someone whose been around you for a long time??????)



Anyways.........


Stop hating yourself. What's the point? Circumstances made you.........and circumstances control you.......there's really no point, in blaming yourself for being messed up. Try harder.....try a little harder everyday.........and don't expect it to be easy or to succeed.

I don't know what you want..........do you? I guess that is part of trying........."to be normal" is vague and probably impossible.
Why does shopping make you happy?

Is there a way to give yourself that feeling........without buying things? Is there a way, to not need that feeling???


Why do you hate bothering people with your problems???? Does it depress you? Does it make you think you're asking too much?

Maybe you can find a way to combat that..........that's not good, if you bottle everything up or only have one outlet..........


And most of all..........don't take any of this (LIFE) too seriously. And i'm being serious.........we get too wrapped up in other people and our emotions and the things we want or need......we care too much.
We have to remember, we aren't that important. None of this is that important........it will be alright.......cause whatever is going to happen, is inevitable. And the only person it truly matters to, is you. And you get to decide, if you let how much it matters.........ruin how great it can be, just to see what happens next.


Constant reminders..........constant reminders you have BPD..........never forget. It shouldn't depress you, it should empower you. You can say "no" to what you feel.....whatever you feel.
You don't have to feel it the way you do, you can try and feel it the way you want............just gotta think of reasons.


You write the story. All the time.........you've always been writing the story, you will always be writing the story.........the fight, is whether you write it more consciously or just take what you see/feel for granted...without looking deeper. Or maybe you look too deep to begin with

MissAli wrote:I am also, a complete and utter mess myself, today. Our bank is the bus stop for the downtown area today because of a large festival being held this weekend that has streets blocked down.

I have fantasized about throwing myself out in traffic in front of one of the buses, but I'm scared I'll live, and then I'll just be locked away forever. And then it will all be in the local newspaper, and everyone will know i'm crazy for sure.

I do completely understand how you feel. My mother can be emotionless as well. Usually when she shows some, its for the benefit of someone else. I'm scared that I'll turn out just like her, too.

I think that your living in that house is a toxic mess, and you need to get away from it if you are of age to move out. Do you work?

AMP

Thanks MissAli! Please don't throw yourself into traffic. I'm sorry you're having a hard time too. For some reason I feel that the autumn weather makes me feel better. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

Yea I always tell my fiance I'm scared that I'll turn into my mother and always be acting fake towards him. He tells me that I'm a completely different person that her & that it will never happen. I hope he's right. :/

Yea.. I'm 24. I don't work because of my extreme anxiety and I have a lot of health problems as well. I'm afraid if I were to leave my house it would make things worse for my parents (I know, I probably shouldn't care.). I also don't want the responsibility of doing things for myself. It takes me awhile to do anything at all. I get physically weak from even standing up to fold laundry. Having my own place to take care of would be so overwhelming. I don't want to live with my fiance and his parents because the house is too small and crowded.

-- Sat Sep 03, 2011 10:50 am --

JohnnyBlaze wrote:What's your fiancé up to tomorrow? Ask him if the two of you can go out somewhere for the day. Take the entire day, just the two of you. Go for a drive, find another town, and play tourists. If you two have the time and money, get a nice hotel for the night and play honeymooners as well. It'll at least give you a day or two of plain ol' happiness.

Just a thought...

Thank you for your suggestion Johnny! We spend every single day together. I usually need something to do and I'm not too good at just chilling because I get so bored and antsy. Then once I go somewhere to do something.. I feel overwhelmed and I want to go home. I am really difficult. :/ I could not travel anywhere because I have a severe phobia. Being away from home is traumatic for me because of my childhood. My fiance only lives 5 minutes away from me so I'm ok with that. I have gotten myself in a bit of debt. I'm trying to not spend any money. I spent $900 yesterday and I feel ashamed..

Twistedmister wrote:You can't save your father from your mother, nor should you have to.

You can't save your mother from herself......nor should you have to.

And you certainly cannot save yourself, from her........don't let her crazy, hurt you.



That is a very messed up situation that your mother is so close with your only friend. Perhaps you need to choose a different friend or go without if your friend doesn't respect you enough to stay away from your crazy mother.

(how did this happen? why didn't you put a stop to it right away? is this person really a friend...or just someone whose been around you for a long time??????)



Anyways.........


Stop hating yourself. What's the point? Circumstances made you.........and circumstances control you.......there's really no point, in blaming yourself for being messed up. Try harder.....try a little harder everyday.........and don't expect it to be easy or to succeed.

I don't know what you want..........do you? I guess that is part of trying........."to be normal" is vague and probably impossible.
Why does shopping make you happy?

Is there a way to give yourself that feeling........without buying things? Is there a way, to not need that feeling???


Why do you hate bothering people with your problems???? Does it depress you? Does it make you think you're asking too much?

Maybe you can find a way to combat that..........that's not good, if you bottle everything up or only have one outlet..........


And most of all..........don't take any of this (LIFE) too seriously. And i'm being serious.........we get too wrapped up in other people and our emotions and the things we want or need......we care too much.
We have to remember, we aren't that important. None of this is that important........it will be alright.......cause whatever is going to happen, is inevitable. And the only person it truly matters to, is you. And you get to decide, if you let how much it matters.........ruin how great it can be, just to see what happens next.


Constant reminders..........constant reminders you have BPD..........never forget. It shouldn't depress you, it should empower you. You can say "no" to what you feel.....whatever you feel.
You don't have to feel it the way you do, you can try and feel it the way you want............just gotta think of reasons.


You write the story. All the time.........you've always been writing the story, you will always be writing the story.........the fight, is whether you write it more consciously or just take what you see/feel for granted...without looking deeper. Or maybe you look too deep to begin with

Twisted.. very sorry for the late reply once again! I sent you a PM explaining.

I do need to ask myself a lot of the questions that you've asked me. I have a problem with being very indecisive sometimes and not knowing what I want or what I really think. Even when I think I do, my mind can go the other way with in a matter of minutes.

Here's the thing with my friend.. he's like the only parent I had my whole life. My parents were always out at clubs and going places while I was left home alone or with a relative that I despised. Even if I was with a relative.. they totally ignored me. I had NO friends and I still don't. I was alone, alone, alone! My friend had been close with my family for many years. He would help me with any problem I had and I had A LOT. My parents have always had a pretty vile marriage. Screaming fights, people leaving, me getting blamed for stuff. Then if I cried about it and was frightened, I'd get yelled at even more. It was not a good situation to be in. He was the only relief I had. I'd talk to him and he'd shed a positive light on things... somehow, and I'd feel much better.

Throughout all of these years we remained close and he's always been the person I go to for help. He's been through a lot of stuff in his life too so he has very wise advice to give me.

As for the thing with him & my mother.. I don't know what to say. She isn't happy in her marriage and should get a divorce. I don't know why she won't..but she won't. It's a hard situation to be in.

I love to shop because it gives me relief an I feel happy and excited about my new purchases. It's like a high for me. I feel giddy and like I want to skip around my neighborhood singing like a little kid. I'm yet to find anything that gives me this feeling. I've been raised by my parents with the "Buy her something and she'll forget she was upset" method.

I hate bothering people with my problems because it's the same $#%^ over and over again and I feel as thought they've been hearing it forever and I'm being a nuisance. I'm the type person that can go on about the same subject for a straight week and obsess over it in a never-ending way. I do feel like I'm asking too much of them to listen to my problems. It's better to keep it to myself. I don't want to bring them down with me.