My taste in women

I like men who are just like me.

EphelDuath wrote:That doesn't answer my questions. I wanted to know if other males with BPD went through the same phase that I am now. And, I wanted to know if two mentally unstable and codependent people dating each other would work, since I don't think I'm capable of having a real relationship with a normal person.

It can work, in my opinion. Though in my case he wasn't completely "unstable" when we got together (he had his issues, sure), but he became that way quickly through me and how I treated him. I guess you could have called him co-dependant. Lasted 3 and a bit years. Seems he took some of my borderline traits with him when we split, too.

In my opinion the "best" relationships (i.e. the most intense) don't really come to us from dating normal/conventional people. The majority of people I've been interested in are people who are some way broken or damaged. This will sound twisted, but it's as though I want to be their knight in shining armor, I want to make them smile and be happy again - but only so they think that I'm amazing, that I'm the only person in the world who could make them feel that way. Then they'll never want to leave me.

That's exactly how I feel, too. In fact, that's how I've thought of it almost verbatim, including the term "knight in shining armor."

katana wrote:oh i never meant to suggest you would do that. i was only mentioning that ive felt someone was trying to find ways in which i might be more mentally unhealthy/vulnerable - not meaning they were trying to make me that way, more that it seemed they might have wanted to believe i was, or find some way that i was.

I also wouldn't want that. I want a girl who is, in her essence, as I've described and wouldn't change a thing about herself, because that's how I would love her.

True. I was so innocent i had no concept of the consequences of my actions and as a result was bloody dangerous. (by that i just mean that my actions could have consequences on others) and that's the thing, "innocent in a way"/"emotionally/psychologically naive" fitted, but it didn't make me harmless, the same way it doesn't make any other person with a PD harmless. and cluster Bs are generally not, even if no harm is meant.

I want a girl that is "harmful." Which is not to say, a girl that is completely out of touch with reality and could snap and kill somebody at any moment. The term in anime is "yandere" but I don't know if anybody here knows what that means: basically, I want a girl who idealizes me and needs me so much that she would use violence to protect me if she thought it necessary. I know it's messed up but I wouldn't trust anything less than that.

What if they don't vacillate? something that you can only see with grey areas, but what if they are neither good or evil? - there will be some people you can like or dislike, but that's the other one i've come to see - sometimes the way i see things just has to be accepted as different to some others.

where i am right now, i am beginning to understand there being an idea of there being an "us and them" (in the general sense, not a mental health one,) but also that us/them doesn't necessarily mean good/evil worse/superior etc.

I'm not sure what you're talking about here, or trying to get me to say.

I do understand that, in many ways i think so many disordered people are like that. people find children pure and innocent, but if you put a child in an adult's life, you can imagine how they might do a lot of damage. people with PDs are often likened to children (in the emotional/psychological sense.)

And I see nothing wrong with that. People do evil things when they lose their innocence. If they're still innocent, then they can only make mistakes.

Hating and despising you doesn't sound "normal", it sounds more disordered. a "normal" healthy reaction would be to be upset and angry. they might not understand, but if a person is really healthy and they e.g. stopped wanting to spend time with you it would be because you hurt them, not because they despise you.

It's the same thing in my mind, really. If they don't want to give me their love because I've screwed up one too many times then it's the same as hating me, or not acknowledging my existence.

i couldn't let a non-disordered person "take care of" me, cause they would see it as a one-way thing, where i had a problem, and on some level they would pity me.

Exactly. I want a girl who needs and loves me, not just one or the other. If she only wants me by necessity, then she may as well be a slave. And if she only loves me, then eventually my mood imbalance would wreck our relationship and she wouldn't love me anymore. The only way for a relationship to work for me is if the two are combined.

Those are 2 different things. unconditional love can be healthy, but people can love a person and still leave them. what you're really wanting is a girl with unconditional need and who ironically might not really love you - it might just be all about what she needs.

No, not at all. I want an obsessive, jealous girl with low-self esteem that would idealize me, both need and love me. And I would do the same for her.

You wouldn't be exactly forcing her, but you would be controlling her. and she wouldn't be in control of her own actions either, with needs like that. so at times she might be in incredible emotional pain, as a result of you trying to prevent or stop your own emotional pain.

Well I certainly would never want to hurt her. I would do everything I can to ease her pain. Yes, I suppose I would be controlling her in a sense because of the way that she would need me, but I can't stand relationships where I can't control the other person. Human beings are so petulant and inconstant that never in my life have I had a long-term relationship that wasn't shattered by things out of my control (not just my own disorder, but also things like miscommunications and moving away and things like that).

when someone breaks it off on a casual whim that's called "casual dating" or "fun & friendship," or "a fling." also, do you think it would be healthy for someone to hear something, and take that bizzare miscommunication just as it is, without questioning it, asking their partner if that was what was really meant or really happened?

if a couple genuinely know each other very well and trust each other, and can talk about things, is that really likely to happen? there will probably be a few hours pain waiting for your partner to explain, but instead of breaking each others' hearts, you could just talk it through.

Yeah, well I can tell you for a fact that I've lost two of my best friends plus about four or five others through miscommunications that they were stupid about and chose not to try and resolve.

What you mean, is that you are afraid to love with all your heart, because you are afraid you will be betrayed. the barrier to loving with all your heart is in your difficulty doing that, because you fear getting hurt, not because the relationship is not based on [unhealthy] need.

But what makes you think love doesn't include need, and needs? People do need things from their partner, they do need to love and be loved, they need to be cared about, feel safe with each other and exchange affection. Those things are needs. But people will want to choose who they share those needs with.

the only difference is, with unhealthy needs, there is a tendency to throw them at people who fit the other half of those needs. in many ways, people with unhealthy needs are more likely to "drop" a partner if "something better" comes along - meaning someone who fulfills that need better.

Sigh. I was afraid to hear something like that. If I can't be sure that a relationship would be permanent, and only separable by untimely death, then I simply won't have one. There's no point. I wouldn't be happy unless I knew for sure.

What sort of friends were unwilling to listen to you to sort out a miscommunication? do you think maybe you gave your friendship to the wrong people?

No, we all truly loved each other. We spent all of our time together and didn't want to hang out with other people just because we only wanted each other. They were good people.

and do you really think your trust issues don't go any deeper, or back any further than that? believe me, if a cluster B PD is part of your dx, you will probably find your trust issues go back a lot further than that. i thought my ex gave me issues. all he really did was set them off - if i'd been healthy, i wouldn't have reacted the way i did.

I dunno. I can't say. I've never been troubled with the idea of trusting somebody before them.

Was she as in love with you as you were with her? i know i was blinded by obsession once, and fell "in love" with a guy who "fell for me" in the shallow meaningless sense, but he didn't love me.

I doubt it. I wasn't obsessed with my first girlfriend, though. I really tried to convince myself that I could make it a "normal" relationship. It just didn't work though and I left unhappy.

you were dating someone to keep an eye on her alcohol problem ? - why?

She was honestly quite repulsive -- she was physically attractive but was annoying, insensitive, selfish, spoiled and delusional. I don't know if she had a personality disorder, but it seems more like she was just a bit of a brat. Nevertheless I considered her my friend and I wanted to keep her out of trouble, so we dated briefly for the sole reason that I could keep her from drinking too heavily if I was nearby.