Completely defeated

I hear you. I hate that lowest of the lows.

I will pray for you beautiful. Sending good vibes<3

-- Thu Sep 01, 2011 4:58 pm --

Beautiful_Disaster wrote:My therapist wasn't available so they sent me in with somebody else.

I HATE WHEN THEY DO THAT. Like we have BPD people come on!

Beautiful_Disaster wrote:Divorce on horizon

A stint in the psych ward

My children love me but do not like me

No choice but to live with soon to be ex husband till I get on my feet (mentally beat down by him every day)

Rage is gone for the moment but replaced with the deepest despair I have ever known. Leaving me crying at any thing someone says to me. Cant leave house because can't stop crying.

Therapist won't see me till my actual appointment three and a half weeks from now. To me, that seems irresponsible of the therapist. Psych ward told me to go to my outpatient program and ask for emergency session...the office of my therapist and outpatient program just gave me a flier for a peer group. They just sent me home knowing I am still having suicidal ideations, and deep depression.

Fading fast into nothingness.

No will to fight back anymore. Accepting defeat.

This website has helped me tremendously while I wait for the DBT program to be available: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com
Pay close attention to these pages:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/letting_go.html
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/distress_tolerance.html

Also, this one has helped me understand my BPD more:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MeAndMyBlackTable

Your children love YOU. They don't like BPD.

As far as housing, do you have a close friend? Talk to them. There are women's shelters, too. You will not get better by staying in this situation. You may not have the skills to handle this situation, but hold on to that little will you have to live because you can learn them! Until then, you need to change something.

From the DBT handout for emotion regulation, try to understand the experience. Identify your emotions by observing and describing them from an objective perspective. The sounds like a hard thing to do, especially when something like this hurts so badly, but that perspective is there. You just need to find it. What I do is that when I feel emotions in my body, I describe to myself what the emotion feels like and where it is felt. I also pay close attention to changes. It may sound silly, but usually it goes something like "Sadness in my throat. Empty vacuum feeling in my chest moving down to my stomach".

If you feel suicidal, please go to the ER. I've learned that when I feel like that, it's not because I actually want to die; it's because I'm feeling so much pain that I want to kill the pain in any way I can possibly think about. When a strong emotion encompasses my whole being, my instincts tell me that it needs to be gone, so therefore, I need to be gone. But the stronger and better choice is stick around, and tolerate the distress because with time and practicing skills, your life will be more manageable. But you can learn how to make the pain less.

I must be honest... part of the reason I am putting so much effort into this is because I am going through a situation that's not exactly like yours, but similar in that my BPD has destroyed a relationship, and now I'm just waiting for the talk. I've been in crisis for over a month because of it, and it's only when I focus on the skills in DBT do I feel at least a little better.

Thanks Crimson.

Atomic, I was able to take quite bit out of those links and apply it to myself. So thank you. I'm sorry for your situation. I know it can't be easy waiting for the ax to fall and knowing the aftermath that comes with it. I'm living it right now.

Another thing I could recommend comes from how I got started with treatment this time around:

Initially I went to an outpatient counseling center. They couldn't help me. Then they referred me to a crisis center. They couldn't help me. I called up a local hospital and inquired about their partial hospitalization program. The crisis center stated that this hospital's program was full and they're only accepting internal transfers. I stated I have BPD and was nearing crisis to the hospital, that I know if I didn't get help soon I would need to be hospitalized. Initially I had insurance with an $800.00 deductible per admission, either partial hospitalization or inpatient. They offered to wave that. Then I realized I would not have insurance and I got onto their free care program. I started partial hospitalization one week afterward.

You don't need to leave your house just yet if you're having a hard time keeping it together. I have faith if you make the phone call, you'll find help. It's OK to cry through it. They'll hear you're in pain and want to help. At least that's what happened to me. You need a way higher level of care than you are at now. It's over whelming anyways. It's even more overwhelming when there's BPD involved.

If you need help with searching for somewhere to call, feel free to PM me. We BPDs need to stick together and help each other when we're having a crisis.

I really agree I need a much higher level of care. At least for now anyways. I had a rage episode again because of my husband shunning me still. I took off in my car and headed to my friends place in another state. I got 3 hours away before I turned back. Only because my friend asked me to. In that time of driving I had a few moments of clarity. 1. It's not going to be the end of my world without my husband. 2. I can't rush off away from my children because of divorce 3. I want to get on civil terms if I can with my husband before I leave.

And now I add number 4. Getting that higher level of care.

It is late and I am exhausted from driving. I will pm you tomorrow.

Thanks again. Good night