Why do I attract married/attached men?

My new neighbour had a party the other night and her friend's boyfriend spent the night hitting on me, when his girlfriend was in the same room. I politely kept avoiding him, sitting in a chair instead of the sofa, playing guitar, putting the dog in between us etc. Eventually, they had a massive blue and left. My neighbour and her boyfriend said they could see it was all one-sided, but the sleaze's girlfriend was giving me daggers all night. She should have reined him in, not used her energy giving me evils. Had I known them better, I would have made an issue of it, but I didn't say anything while the couple were there, in case it caused a big row. At first, I thought she was just giving me evils because most girls do, but my neighbour said (after they left) she had noticed her boyfriend's behaviour.

But it reminded me how in the broader spectrum, I only ever attract men in long term relationships, or with wives. The last time I attracted a single guy was back in ...actually, I can't remember...oh yeah, 1995. And he was a major player who was sleeping with everyone. Actually, he did have a girlfriend, come to think of it. I've had long phases of celibacy because of this, but whenever I decide not all men are pigs, and I shouldn't judge new men by the old ones, I meet a guy and then after a few dates, they admit they're married/in a relationship.

Am I doomed to spinsterhood? Am I putting pathetic/easy vibes out? Most people say I'm unapproachable, if anything. I don't dress trampy, so I don't see what I'm doing. I'm sick of it! I either get to be celibate my whole life, or just have other people's cast offs. Why do other people get to have relationships?

miss_communication wrote:Am I putting pathetic/easy vibes out?

-- Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:09 pm --

Apocallcaps wrote:

miss_communication wrote:Am I putting pathetic/easy vibes out?

Yes.

Apocallcaps wrote:

miss_communication wrote:Am I putting pathetic/easy vibes out?

-- Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:09 pm --

Apocallcaps wrote:

miss_communication wrote:Am I putting pathetic/easy vibes out?

Yes.

Can you elaborate what they might be, so I can modify this? My job means I am apt to put out 'go away' vibes, as clubbers/audience sometimes try to get too close if I don't have security, so I'm flummoxed as to how I'm putting that vibe out, but if that's what guys are reading, what should I do to keep them away?

You know, I honestly can't say. I was letting you know so hopefully you can identify what you're doing and why so you can alter it. If I had to hazard a blind guess, since these guys are all sleazes --no men I've personally known would cheat on their partners, or even flirt with another woman, much less in front of them-- is that you're giving off injured/wounded animal vibes and they're smelling the blood. They're like predators.

*shrug* In the interim maybe you could also work on "eff off or I'll kill you" vibes?

Just off the top of my head: Giving the sneer where you stick your head/nose up while looking them straight in the eye while only half facing them (as if they're barely worth your attention), and then quickly but confidently averting your head/gaze will generally get them. Additionally, have you tried the sneer where you look them up and down slowly, and then slowly turn your head from their direction in a chilly manner with an ever so slight hint of disgust/disinterest on your face?

I don't know how helpful that is...

Apocallcaps wrote:You know, I honestly can't say. I was letting you know so hopefully you can identify what you're doing and why so you can alter it. If I had to hazard a blind guess, since these guys are all sleazes --no men I've personally known would cheat on their partners, or even flirt with another woman, much less in front of them-- is that you're giving off injured/wounded animal vibes and they're smelling the blood. They're like predators.

*shrug* In the interim maybe you could also work on "eff off or I'll kill you" vibes?

Just off the top of my head: Giving the sneer where you stick your head/nose up while looking them straight in the eye while only half facing them (as if they're barely worth your attention), and then quickly but confidently averting your head/gaze will generally get them. Additionally, have you tried the sneer where you look them up and down slowly, and then slowly turn your head from their direction in a chilly manner with an ever so slight hint of disgust/disinterest on your face?

I don't know how helpful that is...

I was just thinking about it, and I wonder if because most of my colleagues are male, what I think of as just being friendly, these guys are picking up as 'I'm available, hit on me'. And maybe men in relationships are more confident/not worried about getting shot down as they have backup (gf/wife) to fall back on. I dunno, it's annoying.

Hmm. No, I think my take on this is a little different.

Most of my friends are men, hence most of the friends they invite to parties and such are dudes too. And I think because I talk football and sports, or am easy to speak to, that they find it easy to hold a conversation with me, and then that conversation can turn to flirting on their part, which I usually do not reciprocate. I think also, most of us BPD's tend to put off vibes that we're "different" and "unattainable" and that just adds fuel to a competitive and driven man to permeate. And that includes the ones that are attached. I think that we sometimes offer them a "vacation" from the mundane, even though they don't understand the mystery that attracts them in the first place- that we're emotionally unavailable for OTHER reasons. And we're NOT like their "non" mates.

I think that can spark attraction, and also makes them want to be closer to us, to see what all the mystery is about... even if we are NOT provoking anything.

I made out with a married man from work one night while drinking... and of course, he was drinking too... but the funny thing was, he kept saying over and over "I can't help but kiss you over and over, because whatever is in your eyes is like a venom that I can't get enough of". LOL. Venom. What in the world???

So I definitely sympathize. I don't intentionally go after these people either, but I think the fact that I don't give off vibes that I'm looking for a relationship just gives fuel to a man looking for some sort of challenge -- or holiday from an otherwise unhappy union.

Just my opinion...

AMP

I'm the same. I honestly don't know why apart from some of the reasons already given.

I attract married/attached men as well. The guy who is actually living in my house at the moment, he has a girlfriend yet has admitted to me he has feelings for me, and continues to compliment me... I don't ever reciprocate though, as I have my eye on someone else..

But it's frustrating how men are like that...

MissAli wrote:"I can't help but kiss you over and over, because whatever is in your eyes is like a venom that I can't get enough of". LOL. Venom. What in the world???

It's funny you say that Ali, men always tell me my eyes are addictive Do you think we all share the same borderline mysterious eyes?

Actually, I've wondered about the eye thing as well, Chaudement...

Because I have very big brown eyes, and when I see them in the mirror, to me they look sad and full of something, I just don't know what it is. Then other times, I feel that I have the perfect "bedroom" eyes, although I certainly don't use those on married men! LOL! I do, however, use them on my boyfriend! And I usually get what I'm looking for :0).

I know that my eyes are very expressive, and I have used them in the past to lure a guy from across the room of a bar/club.

How many others out there have used their "mysterious" eyes? I think we do have one over non's in this area :0)

AMP

Funny you both should mention the eyes, a guy I dated several years ago wrote me a sonnet that ended with the lines:

"Dance and joyously be, celestial feline jewel,
With wanton lust - with eyes both warm and cruel!"

Pissed off tonight; I called my mother for advice about a job application - bear in mind, I've never had a job in my life; well, been employed by someone else. I've always had clients and contracts, but never employment. So, being that she's my MOTHER and works a regular job, I thought she might be able to help. But, no. She hurried me off the phone because there's someone she's helping at the moment who is quite clearly more important than me. Now, I'm aware this sounds childish, but it's the story of my freakin' life. If I visit, the phone rings and she's talking with her friends, or if I call, the line's engaged, as an adult, in 16yrs, she's visited me 4 times. But she always has time for her friends. Well, ###$ her.

I wonder if we'll run into each other at the psych hospital next week, when she's off doing another of her pious missions. She must only earn brownie points when it's non-blood she attends to. Raaaaah! Anyway, this just annoyed me, because it tied in with what I was thinking about re: the married men, basically, I'm expected to be a back burner, stay in the wings where no one can see you type, and other people are important enough to put on the stage. I always thought parents were there to advise; at least, that's what other people's parents around me do. There are adults without parents who seem to manage just fine. I need to be more like that. If I can kill the desire for relationships of any kind, I can just focus on being successful in a career. Sometimes, I wish I could manipulate people without remorse.