Tired and worn

I'm not sure exactly how much this has to do with BPD, but it's definitely related.

The last couple of weeks (and months) have been really stressful for me, emotionally, socially, and physically. That's not exactly a surprise--practically everyone these days is stressed, overloaded, unhappy. Unfortunately this is at a time when I am pretty vulnerable...no job, no partner, no permanent place to live. I haven't been using substances as much as I used to, but I have been dealing with a lot of chaos and uncertainty, and a lot of people who don't understand me or deal with me very well. To sum up, I feel kind of screwed in the head. And I feel like I'm losing memories. Not really amnesia, just kind of a loss of the familiar nostalgia and good memories associated with certain people, places, and things. Maybe this is a transition to another phase in my life, I don't know. I just feel pretty f*cked. I don't talk to therapists anymore because I've pretty much exhausted their patience and advice, unless I'm truly in another crisis (ie. about to be hospitalized.) So I'm just trying to do the best I can at this point. I really need some friends, who are not either too distant or too busy with their own lives. I need a break, a good break. I have some ideas as to where to go and what to do, but I'm just tired and not eager to try and fail again at life.

Just my thoughts.

(edited to change title too)

I don't want to go back to the hospital, either. If it was an actual choice of hospital stay and suicide, I'd go with suicide. Silly, I guess, but I don't want "fail" again either.

I find more and more often, that being content with what you have now makes me "happier".
I don't have to wait for happiness to come or work towards it. It doesn't really exist as a state or as anything, really. I can be "happy" right now. I'm not sure what other people feel, but I sincerely doubt it is a constant life is so f*cking awesome feeling.

I don't mean to belittle your feelings. However, the best advice I can is don't worry, be happy. I feel pretty sh*tty every day to some extent, but when someone asks how I'm doing, I just smile big and say "awesome". Fake it 'til you make it was a popular saying in my support group.

You have to be willing to put yourself in the state of mind that things are better now. I often realize that if I didn't have bpd, nothing would be the matter. So, I'm willing to try to be content with what is happening now.

Hope that helped some.

That does help some. Sometimes I do want more than is realistic at a given time. What is, is.

I wonder if part of me just needs to forget more of the past. There's too much crap to hold on to.

I hope you feel better as well.