what the HELL is wrong with me??

please don't judge me...
but I'm being a huge f*cking wh0re.

I have been all into this guy since going on a date with him, and I'm seeing him again tonight. I've been really on edge at times over the fact that I have so quickly developed feelings for this man. I have NOT slept with him, yet, out of wanting to be a respectable being or whatever...

WELL! That f*cking theory went out the window. I was at a get together with a couple people. and there was this very decent looking guy there who I have met before- I automatically decided I would never sleep with him because he's my age and I prefer older men (daddy issues?), plus, I like this other guy.
Somehow I wound-up getting myself all hot and bothered and ended up sleeping with this 'younger' guy today.

I don't know if it was to re-assure myself that I wasn't gonna be all serious about this other guy- because I am NOT ready for a relationship- but what the F*CK!?

I hate how promiscuous I can be. Or am. I feel disgusting. I don't even want to see my crush now because of what I've done.

I wish I could feel validated by people-men- without sleeping with them.


f*************CK.

I feel alone no matter what I do.

Sleep with people or not. I still always feel totally alone.

I get high off the first time, maybe the second, the basic beginning of it all but than it wares off.

It's the same with a relationship. I love it but than worry, panic, constant trying to control myself starts becoming a daily ritual to be in it and wares me out it too.

It's horrible. I don't think anything is wrong with you.

I think it's hard both ways for us.

crimsonandclover wrote:I love it but than worry, panic, constant trying to control myself starts becoming a daily ritual to be in it and wares me out it too.

What does this mean for me/us then? Will I ever find it easy to just be with someone and let it happen... am I doomed to be alone and promsicuous forever?
Or will I just shut down eventually over time and give up on being loved.

You're not allowed to give up on being loved. I am here to stop that from happening :0). Call me the freakin' Love Police. LOL.

sorry, had to be cute for a minute - I'm trying to lighten our moods here. Mine included.

Want my honest opinion? I don't see a thing wrong with being a whore. If you deny that you are, or are getting money for it, well then those are other things, but if you want to get your rocks off, I'm here to say - IT IS OKAY. Now, any therapist will tell you NOT to do it, but you know what? I think that this is what you may take from the current situation:

You said yourself that you are probably NOT ready for a relationship. So, I wonder, is this your subconscious's way of telling you that you're NOT as into the older guy as you thought? Maybe that its telling you that if you do something repulsive, it will make it easier to just walk away from the feelings you had/obsessed over, for the last weeks/days? Because it seems to me that your head knows its not time for a relationship, but your BPD heart might be trying to pull you in another direction.

I dunno. Think about it and let me know your thoughts. When I've whored, it's usually because I'm not as into someone as I thought, and I do something horrid so it forces me to get away from them. QUICK.

AMP

rabeeto wrote:

crimsonandclover wrote:I love it but than worry, panic, constant trying to control myself starts becoming a daily ritual to be in it and wares me out it too.

What does this mean for me/us then? Will I ever find it easy to just be with someone and let it happen... am I doomed to be alone and promsicuous forever?
Or will I just shut down eventually over time and give up on being loved.

No I didn't mean it like that at all. I was just trying to relate to you that I understand it's hard at times.

I'm not you lol I have no idea where you life will take you

sorry crimson i wasn't trying to put you in the same boat as me...

and ali, your post just made me cry a little, because your words hit home with me i think.
i know i am into this guy... just subconsciously, i already know he's not the one who is going to unconditionally love me forever.
i'm very infatuated with this guy, very.
but on our first date, it didn't seem like he was all that interested in getting to know "ME:.

there's guys who ask you questions about yourself, and then the ones that don't but will ask how you like 'it', amongst other things.

i still am going to meet up with him tonight, knowing both of our intentions... i just wish my head would stop spinning in the mean time. probably does not help that i haven't taken my anti-depressants (that don't work any way) in three days and can't afford to buy more. i feel like i'm slowly losing my grip.

p.s.- im a virgo, he's a pisces- i had already half-decided it could never work, relationship-wise, between us when i learned his star sign - i'm so bad for doing this!

Oh honey doll, please don't cry!!! I'm sorry!!

First off, before we get back into the love talk and stuff - we need to find a way to get you your meds. When do you get paid again? Would anyone in your friends or family circle lend you the money to get your prescription in the mean time? I know that you believe they're not working but anti-d's aren't meant to make you skip around town yelling LA LA LA, but they DO help stabilize you. And this may be what is causing the "unraveling" feelings.

Or, let's explore the other part - you may be experiencing the downswing of mood when it happens to be that we decide that our love object is defunct, and it wasn't what we built up the expectation to be. It RARELY is, but we run away with the beautiful thoughts of butterflies and eternal love usually within 15 mins of meeting someone, only to come crashing down through the crust of the eart in about two weeks.

I DO believe that you should go out with him tonight - IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. If you're going to feel worse, or in some way you're doing it to punish yourself for the behavior with the younger guy, please think twice. It can go either way for myself, so I'm not trying to project my feelings onto you, just trying to give you some advice from Ali's Cupboard of Love Hell :0).

I'm here for you, Beeto :0). If you want to instant message, I'm on AOL. Just send me a PM and I'll send you my screen name. I'm not feeling so hot today, so I'll be home all afternoon and evening.

:0) *hugs*


AMP

technically i could ask my dad for money, and im gonna have to... i just hate asking him for anything. not that he won't say yes, i just feel guilty.
i don't have a job. i just moved back to this area and am looking for one...hopefully once i find one, i can keep it.

Or, let's explore the other part - you may be experiencing the downswing of mood when it happens to be that we decide that our love object is defunct, and it wasn't what we built up the expectation to be. It RARELY is, but we run away with the beautiful thoughts of butterflies and eternal love usually within 15 mins of meeting someone, only to come crashing down through the crust of the eart in about two weeks.

that sounds about right. my infatuation was crazy for the first while- i was all happy and my mood was lifted with the thoughts of this (very attractive) man wanting me and loving me. now i feel i know that won't happen; i maybe have even made up my mind that it won't.

i will still go see him tonight... and i know we will fool around because, i mean, what else? not to say that he's a horrible guy and just wants sex...i bet this half my fault that we could never have a real shot.

i would love to add you to AOL but i don't really know what that is or have it, i've only heard of it in movies. im canadian so maybe that is why? haha

LOL - that may very well be why! It stands for America On Line, AOL. But they have what's called AIM, or Aol's Instant Messenger. it's for instant chat messages.

But if you go to aol.com, you can register for free. It's open to Canadians too, and the rest of the world :0). LOL!!!!

But anyways, I'm around tonight if you need me.

Have fun tonight! Try not to think too much about it, and just take it for what it is. Sometimes, I find that the best things in my life come from not forming concrete opinions beforehand, therefore creating some greater-than-life expectations (that never get met).

Good luck! I'm with ya, girlie!

AMP

Whore smore....

Women are the Victims of a double standard....

Promiscuous women are seen as whore, sluts. whatever...

Promiscuous Men are seen as players some thing to be desired caught and tamed...
celeb women are seen as the same, advertising in this world molds perception be true to you.
Love yourself and you will never be alone... then find yourself some one to share you with

Be yourself, find your match and hopefully he will be who he is...

If you are not hurting anyone including yourself, live and let live is what I say, give yourself time our advertising and marketing in our world is based on instant gratification.. think about that, marketing sells based on scarcity, you will miss out, I recommended you mentality relax go at your pace for you... different stroke for different folks. who is to say what is right for you... other than you! Never give up the power of self you will just resent the one you give your power to.

we've all been on the you gonna miss out train. just be self aware self actuated

That's just my messed up thinking but it is MY.... messed up thinking.