Would appreciate if someone could give me some advice here

Hi everyone,

I was in a relationship with a woman I suspect after careful analysis has BPD but undiagnosed. After all that I have read/studied, believe she was a high-functioning BPD woman. Relationship started off well like usual with these women and I was her knight in shining armor kind of thing and no one could understand her except me. She was the vulnerable seducer and did well in molding the relationship. After a while, she started to cling on me and got jealous for no reason if I talked to another woman and would have fake physical problems and all that documented stuff. She would get angry and rageful and split without any triggers that I know. After a little more than 2 years she was the "hater stage" and devalued me, my family, friends and all the worst possible stuff left behind that I wish never experienced but have to move on kind of thing. I first initiated the break then from what I read because that I moved in with her a year ago, she felt controlling and said it was "done between us" and I was like fine what ever and eventually moved out. Now she tells me she still wants to be my friend and that if I or her start having sex with someone else, we have to be honest with each other just weird. I took the promise necklace that I gave her last year and practically took it back out of resentment but now she wants it back. Other day I saw her she was so "happy" to see me and wanted a hug and all that and don't think it was really real more like idealization kind of stuff. Girl still owes me money and wants me to take care of her birds that she frantically adopted - maybe triangulation on her part?

I have already mentioned although probably shouldn't have that she has some BPD symptoms actually a lot of them and I am willing to be a good friend and listen that's about it. I feel enmeshed and feel like I wish I could never even met this woman.

Now.

Why does she still want to be my friend and why does she want the necklace still?
Sometimes I randomly message her online to see how she's doing but she only replies on her terms or when she needs something?

Anyone can help me out please?



Thank you!

Well, she might be bored, and still wants contact with you so that she feels like she has some semblance of relationship, or chance with you.

Not all of us are the same. I say this a lot on here, but not all of us like peach ice cream, or trance music.

She does need something from you, so that could be it. But if you wish you had never met her, then why do you randomly message her? If you are the one instituting contact, then why would you not expect to hear from her?

AMP

Is there a way to actually find out what she actually needs from me?
This break-up was fairly recent not even a week yet.

I was thinking of not initiating anything for about 1-2 weeks.

What do you think of that?

Not only that. This girl asked me that if I was seeing someone else, may she still take me back may she still have a chance.

I don't really judge her because deep down know she is emotionally not there and has a personality disorder but I am trying to make it as easy as possible for the both of us.

Any tips?

If you broke up, and WANT to keep it that way, then leave her alone and quit contacting her.

If you have the harboring chance that you want to get back together with her, then keep doing what you're doing.

It's just new. That's why. It was a decently long relationship. But you mentioned that you wished you never met her, so why not just let things go?

AMP

If you still care about her and want a friendship with her, then let her know that. But tell her you need some time to re-calibrate, and that at least for a few months you would like some time apart with no contact. She sounds desperate to keep you in her life, but also sounds like she isn't being very empathetic to your situation. By throwing her small life lines, it is giving her false hope that you guys can get back together and return to some kind of "honeymoon" phase again. The necklace and wanting "permission" to sleep with other people means she isn't believing that it's really over. If it really is, tell her. Emphasize the positive so that she won't assume that she is worthless or that you hate her, but make it absolutely clear that while you value those great qualities she possesses, YOU need some time apart so that when you do decide pursue a friendship later, it will be without the complications of the current breakup coloring everything. If she wants to pull out a laundry list of grievances and wants to turn the conversation about how she was wronged, DON'T BITE - don't engage. Tell her that's all the more reason why some time apart would help those issues die down so that you can be friends later. Be sincere. Good luck!

By the ways, thanks for both of your replies - helping me to resolve this carefully.

You know what. A part of me just wants to be present there just so that she continues to stick to her own promises. This woman has had severe substance abuse with alcohol and finally has almost gotten over that. Another part just wants to move on - guess I am fighting ambivalence.

I feel by the sounds of this that she is very Borderline Waif like - sure you guys know what that is. At times, she has been at close friend's house and guess she was drunk and basically lured me into picking her up and driving her back safely - very manipulative. I think you are right in that she wants the necklace back as a hope or semblance of a relationship again. Although I kind of want to keep the necklace for that someone special that I will eventually meet. I have been emotionally and even once physically abused and the girl is in complete denial of all of it (gaslighting). Believe she had BPD very badly and mentioned a little bit to her and just shrugs it off. Her own brother believes everything I say and has my back - own brother doesn't even talk to her.

Now from your experience,

Most people say not to initiate anything for a while just to let the dust settle a bit. What do these Borderline waifs usually do if they don't get contact because I feel that they give you the silent treatment as an acting-in behavior that is supposed to control you and still have that chain wrapped around your neck?

First of all, she is still an individual, and you are the one who dated her, so we'll do our best, but there is not some borderline textbook. I mean, there are some very common traits and behaviors, but as for gauging her responses and such, YOU probably know better than we do...

As for getting drunk at a friend's and having you come pick her up - I think she is still playing damsel in distress. Does she not have ANYONE else that can come get her? You mentioned her brother doesn't speak to her.

I think you should hang on to the necklace. She is hopeful. And you will lead her on if you give it back.

As for how long to go NC... well, if you want it over for good, why not let her be your past? I know you said she is almost over alcohol, but to be honest - if you're broken up and want it that way, then it truly isn't your problem anymore (not trying to be crass). And her "waiflike" borderline-ness has nothing to do with it. If someone wants to get wasted, fat or skinny, they're going to make sure it happens. Don't be naive.

So what you YOU want to DO? Let her go, or continue being close? You are going to have to get away for awhile, and probably with NO contact at all, in order to move into a possible "friend" zone, because it's WAY too early for that.

My best to you!

AMP

Believe she is playing the damsell in distress. Well believe I am the closest person she knows but she does have other friends but don't too much or how good those relationships are.

Why do you think I should keep on to that necklace?

As a background, the necklace was supposed to present the "past, present and future" and it was supposed to be like a "promise" necklace. The girl has really treated me very poorly so I took it back.
What is going on in her mind that she wants the necklace back - wants to keep control?

I kind of want to remain contacts or some kind of friendship but it's hard because I fell hard for this woman over time and she's high functioning and has some good qualities and does work in the community support side of stuff but usually loses jobs because of what ever reason. I'll probably just have NC for a while eventually she'll contact me although I detest the BS silent treatment.

I think I am going to go seek treatment because I was emotionally/verbally/physically abused and I am a kind, sweet man sometimes sensitive so probably a good idea isn't it?

I would highly encourage therapy! It works wonders, and I think it would give you some great insight.

As for that necklace, I think she wants it back for either or all of the following reasons:

1. She wants the necklace. It's a nice piece.
2. She wants to hold onto the past and hope that she still has a chance to get back with you.
3. She wants the necklace AND she wants to hold onto the past and hope that she still has a chance to get back with you (should she choose to).

I think that with a therapist you will find that you can work this out and move on. Even if you were the closest thing to her on the planet, if she does not love you anymore, then what is the point in wasting your time and energy?

And yep, nice people can be hurt, especially when they are taken advantage of.

AMP

I think it is (3):

3. She wants the necklace AND she wants to hold onto the past and hope that she still has a chance to get back with you (should she choose to).

Girl has it severe I believe. Last time I got off the phone I was trying to do the SET technique.
Didn't fully work because believe nothing can help her except for professional help LOL.
I am not that concerned anymore because no matter what relationship she has with another, same thing is going to happen over and over and I know that I am probably the most stable of all her relationships LOL.

What do you think are the chances of her coming back if I remain silent for a while?