Avoiding the Pain Path

My BPD has flaired up again (I think). This new guy didn't come around for a cuppa as organised. He then rang me the next day "while he was waiting for his mates to show up". And I haven't heard from him since. His lack of consistency isn't good for my BPD. Sometimes I wonder if I'm Asperger's, the way I crave consistency. I went to the Women's Centre to work through my increasing depression. While there I overhead someone say "Move in the direction you value". It brought up how compatible I felt I was with my ex-boyfriend and how insignificant I was to him. He deceived me, betrayed me, and discarded me. I went from thinking I had the best relationship in my life to learning, I had one of the worst and there was no way back to having the kind of relationship I thought I was having. The floodgates opened. The sadness was intense. I know some of it is legitimate grief but the emptiness and desperation side of it I think is more the BPD. I've been going over my DBT notes and putting distress tolerance into practice. Last night the pain was intolerable. I took my meds 4 hours early and had a 13 hour sleep. I feel a lot better but just don't want to go down the pain path in my mind today.

Hey living well..
I'm sorry the pain is back... I like your title "avoiding the pain path" i wonder if it's like a play on words. The Buddhist path to enlightenment. The 8 fold path? Being that they claim pain is inevitable. That pain is a normal and necessary part of life. Whom ever said that perhaps didn't feel it the way we do?
I do believe it's true; pain is necessary in order to have joy and both feelings are simply inevitable and unavoidable. trying to avoid pain will inevitable make things worse.. schema perpetuation... reduced social support, less positive attachments etc.. but there is something said for avoiding people who are causing you pain. These guys perhaps should be avoided if they cause you pain. That has been my new mantra and it is working very well. I'm moving away from "what am i doing wrong" to "this is what i consider respectful, if you can't do it then don't let the door hit you..." and it has made allot of room in my life for really great people to come in and really great ideas to be in my head.
my path to avoiding pain is to use my imagination and imagine the perfect life for me then start planning steps to getting there. Instead of focusing on my breath which seems pointless to me, i focus on the image of my wonderful life that i will have. I even draw pictures of it. go into as much detail as possible. Do you live in a house or apartment or hostel, do you travel or stay put, are your friends sporty or artsy, what kinds of things do you do with them, what perfect job do you have, what perfect clothes style, will you have a pet, what kind? what color. Then I plan out just how i'm going to get it all. You have to plan or it can back fire and never ever let anyone inside or outside tell you that you can't do it. It works for me, hope it helps.

Hi Living Well, i think in BPD needing some sorts of consistency is not necessarily Aspergers. Normally if people let you down it can be upsetting but in BPD can set off horrible abandonment issues, and i can imagine how that could lead a person to want more consistency than normal to avoid those horrible feelings. my abandonment issue put me off relationships for years, so i really do get how bad it can feel.

i think sometimes people can let you down, and with BPD that can be much worse than without it. I agree with LostandFound, there are people who will treat you well and those who will treat you badly. i think everyone can let people down sometimes, but its not good to have people in your life who do nothing but let you down.

Did he have any decent excuse? what about an excuse for not contacting you at the time when he was supposed to be there? BPD flair-up maybe, but look at people's actions logically too, you can have BPD flair ups and also be treated badly, its not just one or the other.

katana wrote: you can have BPD flair ups and also be treated badly, its not just one or the other.

great words of wisdom here!!!

Hey guys, I've seen there are replies. I've just woken up and want to advance on my post before reading and replying, if that is okay. I'm starting to see when DBT doesn't work for me. Today I have up my meds and slept as much as I can and when I awake I feel better. Marsha Linehan created a therapy based on what helped her at the time, and I'm sure she would want us to keep learning and growing from that base as what helps us individually. I'm starting to learn with my comorbidity of bipolar and ptsd that sleeping helps depression for me better than activity. Activity just makes me feel more frantic and vulnerable. I'm sure there could be some aspergers going on there the way the world just seems too loud for me and withdrawing makes me feel 10 times better. When I rang a crisis line earlier, she gave me the feedback that I usually get - that I am way too hard on myself and I need to give myself credit for the way I manage multiple mental illnesses. As we know, mental illness don't just affect mood, they impact heavily on energy and cognition. I think working that "pain body" may be the direction I need to head, given that distraction and self soothing isn't doing what it is meant to do for me, after years of applying it. Different strokes... and I think DBT is best customised to the individual... by working out what is effective and what isn't. Okay, I've got that out - I'll read those posts that I am so stoked about now, and get back to you xxx

Oh my golly gosh!!! What amazing posts!!! thank you sooooo much!!!!
You both really hit the spot. LostnFound you gave me way too much credit for my title - I merely meant stopping my mind to leading me into the depression pot holes. I really love how you said "This is what I consider respectful. If you can't cut it, don't let the door hit you"... making it my own a bit there, sorry for the creative licence lol. What you said about visualising the perfect life is JUST the antidote that I need for feeling my emotions heavily impacted by men who find me incredibly insignificant to them. I want to stay living where I am. I want a female flatmate, who I can be myself with. I want to keep doing my voluntary work mentoring youths for a couple of hours a week. I want to keep putting boundaries around those wounds/trauma/abandonment issues and keep stating what my bottom line is in situations. I am not responsible for keeping disrespectful relationships going. I really want to go to Fiji for my 40th next year. That is a major goal. I want to continue improving my relating skills.

katana wrote:You can have BPD flair ups and also be treated badly, its not just one or the other.

That is gold Katana. If there was a bpd quote list - that should be on it!!
Thank you both so much - you gave me just the words I needed to help turn the pain around.
In reference to what you were saying, yes pain is inevitable, but what gets me is the amount of pain for the duration I feel. I tell the pain, yes, I have already got your important message, you can buzz off now, but it just doesn't quit. That is when I get annoyed with it. Chronic pain sucks, regardless of whether it is physical, mental, psychological or emotional. God, your posts were fantastic. Thanks so much!!!

Living Well wrote:My BPD has flaired up again (I think). This new guy didn't come around for a cuppa as organised. He then rang me the next day "while he was waiting for his mates to show up". And I haven't heard from him since. His lack of consistency isn't good for my BPD. Sometimes I wonder if I'm Asperger's, the way I crave consistency. I went to the Women's Centre to work through my increasing depression. While there I overhead someone say "Move in the direction you value". It brought up how compatible I felt I was with my ex-boyfriend and how insignificant I was to him. He deceived me, betrayed me, and discarded me. I went from thinking I had the best relationship in my life to learning, I had one of the worst and there was no way back to having the kind of relationship I thought I was having. The floodgates opened. The sadness was intense. I know some of it is legitimate grief but the emptiness and desperation side of it I think is more the BPD. I've been going over my DBT notes and putting distress tolerance into practice. Last night the pain was intolerable. I took my meds 4 hours early and had a 13 hour sleep. I feel a lot better but just don't want to go down the pain path in my mind today.

I just got rid of one the same way! Jerk. I hate him. I told him (on facebook), that I am lonely, confused and sad and that's a very dangereous place for me to be. So, get lost haha
I felt immediate cleansing after I did that. He is a mean jerk. And then I met a great guy the next night. It's like the relief of finding the off stinky food in your fridge that is stinking out the kitchen. That's how good it felt to get rid of him

Why avoid the pain path, aren't you there already? So, deal with it

Hi InvisableGhost, Thanks for your response.

InvisibleGhost wrote:

Living Well wrote:Why avoid the pain path, aren't you there already? So, deal with it

The reason I want to avoid unnecessary pain is because we are generally better people who are more constructive when not driving headlong into chaos. What I liked about L&F and Katana's posts is they reminded me that I was in the driver's seat of my life and I could choose to drive through trafficked, smokey, vice ridden streets, or I could head out to a beautiful country side with fresh air and gorgeous scenery.

That trauma is so deep and it does impact on my life but I am really keen on managing it the best I can and healing.

I hope that clarifies

Living well, i hope you don't think I was telling you to deal with pain from others. I meant deal with your own pain.

How much is our own pain when it is abuse induced?

I feel like a crazy woman off her meds atm, even though I am on my meds...

The pain is back tearing my mind and hear apart.