BPD Reared its Ugly Head Last Night...

Well, I consider that I've been pretty docile for awhile, but last night I spazzed out and created a huge conflict and hurt my bf. Not physically, but mentally.

He went to a work function and was drinking with clients (wasn't entirely wasted like last time, last week when he had to stay over at a hotel), but nonetheless, I was furious that he was having drinks and such SO LATE at night with someone other than ME. And of course, this is NOT normal behavior for a non, but nonetheless, this is how I reacted.

1. I told him that when he met with them again tomorrow (today), that I hoped he got wasted and blew his chances with the company. (This is his biggest account)
2. I told him that he hasn't learned SH*T from his drinking last week.
3. On the other hand, I stated, I've learned A LOT about HIM.
4. I told him he was selfish, self-serving, and had a huge lack of self-control.
5. I told him I was reconsidering moving there in April because I can't deal with him.
6. I told him that I knew he didn't give a sh*t, and he could just be honest.
7. I told him that the truth hurts, and he then called ME a drunk (whatever).
8. I told him that just a week ago he embarrassed himself at a work function and said it was a "wakeup call"
9. I told him I'm not going to tolerate it.
10. I told him that I do not embarrass myself at work functions to where I piss myself and people have to buy me hotel rooms.
11. I then told him that he had a DUI and a plethora of arrests, and at least I could pass an HR background check. (he has dumb stuff, like getting arrested at a game for throwing a beer)
12. Then, I told him that no one cares about people in sales because they're a dime a dozen and only as good as the last deal they close.
13. As he texted that it was over, I told him that it was perfectly fine with me, and that he never loved me anyways.
14. I then told him he was married to money potential, and that I hoped that he got what he deserved and then some.

I'm a mean, hateful b*tch.

I woke up this morning to 40 mins worth of texts from him at 3AM telling me he doesn't know why I'm trying to push him away and that he is not going to let me do it, and that he loves me and my family. Then, when I actually starting texting him back, he said he just got off the phone with is mom, who is gonna watch his dog this weekend for him, and MY father, whom he made a golf date with on Sunday, and wanted me blessing to come see me this weekend.

WTF. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just appreciate this guy, and stop being SO CRUEL!!!! I really, truly, DO love him!!!!!

Any opinions on all this craziness?

AMP

WTF. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just appreciate this guy, and stop being SO CRUEL!!!! I really, truly, DO love him!!!!!

1. You're not cruel.
2. I can see that you love him a lot
3. When a bod is raging, that's what happens.

I just want you to know that you are not a b*tch, really! You are going through a lot and trying your best to get better. Sometimes we do slip into rage and say some hurtful things..in time you will learn how to keep those comments to yourself or act differently. I am so glad your bf noticed you were pushing him away and didn't take what you said seriously, it shows he is patient with you. Both of you are lucky to have each other

I am still trying to master that skill. Im learning in dbt to being descriptive and inclusive, instead of calling him "selfish, self-serving, and had a huge lack of self-control." you should say "Your recent behaviour is showing me that...., It hurts me when you....., I would appreciate it if you....." Use more, "I feel" statements instead of "this is the way it is.." Show him that you accept his point of view, show him you are understanding...so, "I understand that it is tempting for you to drink around your friends/collgeues, but there are limits..." And the biggest thing as bpd we always do is assume we know what's going on in the other person's mind. "I knew he didn't give a sh*t" instead you could say, "I am feeling/thinking like you don't care...." (fill in the dots )

Once again, I haven't mastered these skills and it takes a lot of practice and patience. Especially when you are dealing with an irrational person, you lose patience when someone continues arguing with you after you have followed those steps. Sometimes it s best to walk away and leave it until you are more calm. And you are not a bad person, don't put yourself down. <3

You love him, but can you be with him?

You know none of what you said is out of line with someone quite understandably venting their frustrations out to someone else. I would take his efforts to be indicative of the fact that he saw the situation for what it was and you might be best off letting yourself let him do this for you. To him, he has an amazing, smart, beautiful woman to be with and sometimes you throw a "tantrum" as it were, but hon, really, it's not any worse than a non being upset with their SO.

It's obvious he wants to make amends for his actions and has taken to heart your dismay at his reckless behavior. If anything we need is a stable partner that doesn't throw us for loops here and there very often. I have it and I believe it has been instrumental to my recovery.

I don't know if you're religious so hope this doesn't go off wierd, I'm praying for you and I wish you to stop beating yourself up for your feelings and reactions. You are painfully aware and trust me, that will really be all that is necessary to get through all of this. You deserve to be loved and happy and I'm sorry if it hurts to hear/read that but it's true ((hugs))

Best

Thank you, Kira, and yes I'm Catholic, so all the prayers in the world are much-appreciated. Also, thank you for your kind comments. They go so far with me, and I appreciate it. You have no idea how much.

Lonely- thank you also, I do deserve to stop feeling like crap, but after bashing someone so hard, I feel that it is appropriate, at least somewhat, to feel remorse for being such an a$$. Because that is exactly how I behaved.

Ghost- can I be with him? I would love to be with him. The better question is, how long can he stand being with ME?

Here's an update:

We spoke at length last night about what happened the night before. I told him what it felt like to always feel that someone is going to abandon you, and he asked what it would take for me not to feel that way. And I couldn't answer that. I mean, what would prove it to me, when it isn't HIM, it's ME? Having him in my lap on a short leash? That doesn't work either. And that's not fair. I also told him that when I said the things I did, and he said "it's over" that I basically had no emotional reaction and was fine with it, because I pushed him away, and acted ugly, but in my mind, I wasn't hurt that he was gone because I KNEW what I'd done, instead of constantly wondering if he was going to leave me out of the blue at some other point in the future over something I couldn't control. And he said that was really f***cked up (which it is).

We talked for awhile, and I asked him if he was still willing to be with me, and he said he was, but that he wasn't willing to live with the abuse forever. He asked how long it will take me to get better, and I told him that sometimes it takes years in therapy, and that I wanted to look into DBT therapy. He is very supportive of it, and wants me to get better, and said that he has fears that if I treat him this way, then what will happen if we have children and they smart me off, etc. Will I react the same way? And you know what? I'm kind of scared of that, too.

So, I feel a little better, but at the same time, WORSE because I know he won't put up with it forever. How could I expect anyone to?

AMP

I completely understand your reaction.

It is one I have had many times with my ex.

Anytime his phone would ring, he tells me he is hanging with his friends, or going to an air show like he did a few weeks ago,

I go into complete rage of distrust, hurt, stabbed in the back pain, panic like I'm going to be left!


Though none of this is going on, it is going on in my head.

I have to try so hard to not take everything he does/did personally.



I find I only have this reaction with people I am dating. It's not a big deal with friends usually but people I'm dating, WATCH OUT! lol

I find the best way to deal is to just not think about it or ask. It just triggers me too much.

But than how can you have a relationship with someone who you can't talk about their life with?

Which brings me back to where I am

-- Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:21 pm --

MissAli wrote:We talked for awhile, and I asked him if he was still willing to be with me, and he said he was, but that he wasn't willing to live with the abuse forever. He asked how long it will take me to get better, and I told him that sometimes it takes years in therapy, and that I wanted to look into DBT therapy. He is very supportive of it, and wants me to get better, and said that he has fears that if I treat him this way, then what will happen if we have children and they smart me off, etc. Will I react the same way? And you know what? I'm kind of scared of that, too.

So, I feel a little better, but at the same time, WORSE because I know he won't put up with it forever. How could I expect anyone to?

AMP

Right, this is where reality sets in

Ali,
I really don't get how this is all your fault. I can't see that you are completely in the wrong with your reaction to his behavior. What is this about his arrests? Throwing a beer bottle at a game? What is that about?
Lighten up on yourself. I think that a lot of your reactions and responses are normal in this situation. This isn't all about you and that there is something wrong with you. It sounds like he has issues as well.

Sending you lots of hugs.

He definitely has his own issues, but they're not unworkable. His arrests were for DUI, and throwing a beer can (separate) at a university basketball game into the stands. He was a frat boy, so his behavior used to be less than stellar. Now he's pretty much grown up. Notice I said, "pretty much".

He actually is pretty well-equipped to handle me, and sets some good boundaries. He said last night, "well I thought I had a temper, but you have me beat". I felt like YELLING and saying, but do you think I WANT that??!!! Sigh.

I was in the wrong, because I didn't have to stoop so low to say things about being a salesman and about his arrests. I have a hard time controlling my incessant ANGER/RAGE when someone disappoints me, or does something I'm disenchanted with. And it's ALWAYS going to happen, I need to GET OVER THAT.

I like your advice though, on trying not to think about what they're doing when they say they have plans. It is a HUGE trigger. And it will eat away at me if I don't stay busy.

AMP

Frankly, Miss Ali, it seems you were pointing out the obvious, as far his drinking behavior goes. You have a legitimate issue which he was unjustly, initially attempting to justify. Perhaps he later came to the realization that much of what you said was correct, especially since he seemed to agree with you previously on several counts. You feel guilty for the emotionally related things you said, and, upon reflection, realize your love and understanding for him. Seriously and honestly discuss it with him and follow your rational heart

Thank you, Evee. But you hit the nail on the head - RATIONAL. I sometimes am NOT rational.

In fact he even pointed that out last night. It was something along the lines of "when you're mad, you do not think or speak rationally, you speak from the emotion that you're feeling, which is angry and mean."

ANd he's RIGHT.

I really need to learn to be rational.

AMP