Sexually abused by my dad with BPD... Please help me!

Hi there,

This is the first time i've ever written on a forum- so please forgive me if this is not right or whatever. I just need some help and have no one to turn to, as I was sexually abused by my dad at the age of 12. But my dad and myself have only just learnt that my dad has BPD with a schizophrenic element, at the age of 43. He has two personalities, one being my dad that i love so much (caring, devoted, self sacrifying) and the other which is the exact opposite (extreamly violent, devoid of any emotion). I love him so so much, were closer than anything. I have only just let this problem come to light, as i thought it'd just go away if i never spoke of it. And the years since, my dads been a fantastic dad, even more so since he's being having therapy the last few months. But I carry so much upset and anger I guess for the horrible side of my dad, i cant help but hurt my dad as a result of it? And its causing so many arguments, cos my dads trying to be the best dad he can and I want to respect him like kids should respect there parents, but i can't- because I always have the conflict of what he did to me when I was 12?...

The psychologist told him he'd had BPD since the age of 7 years. My dad had a very traumatic childhood, his dad died when he was 14. His dad used to beat him with whips and things. He was completely rejected by his family from a young age, his mum threw him out just because she got a new partner. My dad ended up homeless for 5 years living in the woods. And then ended up in a psychiatric ward for a while, where again no one gave a crap about him because all his family thought of him as a 'monster'.

Dad got married at the age of 20 to my mum, and had me a year later. This was a very turbulent relationship. Dad could not work as Dr. signed him off for life, with severe 'anxiety' problems (when really it was BPD) My dads been there for me and was a stay at home dad. My mum worked full time. My mum never really cared for me, it was always dad. I remember my parents arguing all the time and they eventually split when I was 13/14. The abuse happened when I was 12, so it was an extreamly stressful time for my dad.

I feel bad because at the time I said it was okay for my dad to have sex with me, after much persistent pursuation from my dad at the time. Saying things like 'oh its just sex' nothing special. I am now 22 years old and am at uni training to be a nurse. But throughout my school years, I see now that I was abused by boys. I let them do sexual things to me and then make me feel guilty/bad for not returning the favor. I now have very low confidence and self esteem levels, and am always putting myself down. I also have been having difficulties with relationships, seeing boys that are obviously 'no good' as though they are good people (like I will always think well of people even though they treat me like crap?) And this causes alot of arguements between me and dad. As dad can see clearly they arnt good enuf for me, and i just give chance after chance. I guess what I did with my dad all those years? When he's done bad things i've always forgiven it because I knew something wasn't right?...

I'm sorry this is such a long post... but i'm at wits end... so many times i've thought of killing myself, running away, making my dad hate me so he'd kick me out. I'm 22 and should be able to move out like normal people my age, but i feel so stuck. I'm so close to my dad, if i even mention moving out- he feels its the end of the world and threatens to commit suicide!! I could never live with that, yet Its driving me insane being at home and living with this?!.... I know I need help like a therapist or something... but I cannot speak about this as my dad will get sent to prison or something???!....

Please if anyone has any insight or anything to say... please please help me!! :'(

Even though you truly love your father, it sounds like YOU need some help. Some personalized help. You are going to have to talk to someone about this, and unfortunately, I don't see how you're going to be able to work this out WITHOUT a therapist. It also seems to me that you may be a little BPD yourself, but only from a few things that you mentioned. I definitely think it is a direct result of the sexual abuse.

Also, even though you love your dad, he is continuing to harbor and control you by keeping you at home. Also, I know you do not want to see him to go prison, but he may be eligible to enter a hospitalization program. I'm not exactly how that all works, but sometimes in life we have to pay for our mistakes, and I see that you are torn between having him pay, and loving him. I know this has to be an extremely hard and painful place to be, and I really commend you for having the courage to post with us on here.

There is also a forum on this site for abuse, and I think that you would benefit greatly by reading some of the posts there. I know that I have.

I hope the very best for you, and wish you NOTHING but the best in your endeavors... please do not think of ending your own life over something like this - it IS fixable, and you ARE okay. Just need a little TLC :0)

Please let me know if I can help in any way! Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

AMP

Oh my gosh... Thank you for replying so quickly!!

You have no idea what it means to me, to have someone show a little understanding of what i'm going through! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my little rant! :S xXx

You're VERY welcome... just remember, when you seem to feel like the whole world has left you alone and in the cold, there are a LOT of us on here that are listening!!! We all support each other, and I hope that you find some peace and solace with us on here.

We're always here to let you know that you DO have a support system. We all have our days, but in the big picture of things, this is a fantastic community... and I think you will feel very comfortable here.

Best to you!

AMP

It is NOT okay what your dad did to you!

It's NOT. You really need to understand that.

I get you love your dad and he's sick. I'm sure that is really hard but you need to understand that is so NOT okay.

My father physically abused me growing up and I will never think that was okay. I did not deserve that and I refuse to ever let someone hurt me like that again.

You need to learn that you deserve boundaries and respect.

I hope some how you can get therapy. You will need alot of it.

Hay,

Thank you for your response. What do you mean I deserve boundaries and respect? :S xXx

xXZoe_21Xx wrote:Hay,

Thank you for your response. What do you mean I deserve boundaries and respect? :S xXx

I mean : Something that indicates a border or limit.

With your dad. Respecting yourself to hold those boundaries.

Ok, this might not be best thing to say or it might be... I'm just going to tell you straight my opinion:
I believe that one cannot heal around the person who has abused them.
I challenge you to do an exercise and go back through your posts and circle every excuse you give your father. Then circle every need your expressed.
I see a common way of thinking here that creates a situation within someone where all their energy gets zapped out and given to the (ex)abuser.
In my opinion, you need to get out of there. I would do whatever you need to do to get out. ask for outside help, take a job far away and tell him that you plan on returning after x months, just move out in the middle of the night.
as far as him going to prison, talking to a therapist will not get him sent to prison and you will benefit immensely from talking to someone.. please see a therapist. commit to just one session. You will feel soooo much better!!
You have to "send" him to prison for him to go to prison. I'm wondering if you were told not to tell anyone or he would go to prison as a way to keep you silent. It's simply not true!! And the more you talk the less isolated you will feel and the better you feel, the stronger you will get.
Goodluck... be your own best friend and love yourself first, ok?

Thank you for your response. I have done what you asked and yes its made me think alot, I have given my dad a fair few excuses for what he did to me. The day before yesterday I actually packed my things and left home and am now staying with my Bf for a while. I left my dad a letter explaining how I felt inside and that I need some space or things are never going to improve. Hopefully this works...!

xXZoe_21Xx wrote: The day before yesterday I actually packed my things and left home and am now staying with my Bf for a while.

WOW.. you are my hero!! You literally made me cry with joy for you. I'm so overwhelming happy for you taking this big positive step toward your happiness.

Caution from someone who has walked away from an abuser before.. I find (and read) that abusers, generally, will do anything to regain control.
In my case, I've had to go no contact. There is zero respect for my boundaries, still I ask for no email and i still get them weekly. I had to set up a filter on my account so that i don't see them because they upset me just seeing the titles.
The lies and gaslighting came very quickly after I cut. Google gaslighting, if you don't know what it is, because it might be coming your way soon.
This might not be the case with your situation.. I hope it's not and that he supports you move and wants you to be a happy healthy independent whole person.


This wasn't my case, the person who committed the abuse did/does not support me and does not want me to be independent. I had to go no contact.
Sometimes the safest thing for both parties is to have a time of zero communication. The problem is that the person who committed the abuse, if they CAN communicate with you, will put all their energy into re-establishing the old unhealthy situation and not fixing themselves. It is a long and complicated description of what happens psychologically.. but basically if they have no contact with you, they will start to work with themselves and can get better.. but if there is contact with you.. all energy will go into regaining control over you, because they don't see a distinction (no boundaries) between you and them (google self and other) and they feel literally like they are losing control over themselves. They need to realize that there are 2 people here and you are not like his arm or leg but you are your own person.. only then can he take care of himself..
And for me, i found it impossible to take care of myself with the constant communication of lies and manipulation and just crisis causing (they often cause a crisis to get the attention back focused on them) I've been doing so fabulous since i left. I hope you have a similar experience.

Good job! I'm proud of you