I hate myself

Hey guys,

My bf of 16 months broke up with me today, on our 16 months. I really don't know what to do...he said i am to blame and he said a lot of other means things. It's so true. I am to blame for everything that has happened. If only i could just relax and let things go. If only I wasn't bpd....I brought it onto myself! GRRR! I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW. You know when you feel like you want to rip your skin and flesh, you just don;t want to be in your body, you want to rip yourself apart...that's how I feel at the moment.

I have a family that loves me. So a few things went wrong and i let that effect my future. Now i am feeling miserable. All i keep thinking is that HE LEFT ME! I hate him so much for doing it, but at the same time hooowww could i expect him to stay if i am so terrible?! How do i expect someone to put up with my #######4 while even i can't deal with myself?!!!!

I am hurt, but numb. I am completely lost and I feel like drinking till I die. I am trying my best to resist....let's see how long i can hold myself for. I look very normal, acting like everything is fine so far, but obviously inside i am a mess. I will break down soon, but i'm trying to prevent it and hold my composure. I took Seroquel so I can sleep...and sleep a lot. I want to be swallowed by the darkness and disappear. I don't think I want to die...I want to disappear, it's different.

Once again, I feel lonely and abandoned.

I am sorry, your not alone, I know those feelings, the hurt...finally there is no hurt left for the day and its numb..sometimes I want to be numb and zone out, guess its natural for the body to do? It gets better, there are people here who care.

Sorry, I read your other thread first.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Maybe if you can show improvement, he would be interested in dating again. Even if he doesn't want to, you can still learn from this. I see a lot of people continue to inflict themselves on their friends, even after knowing how much pain they can cause. After I lost my friend, I knew I was going to hurt anyone else I care about. I understand why we do it. Even the #######4 is because of our pain. However, hurt people, hurt people.

Just think about yourself. Take of yourself. Treat yourself well. Make some brownies.

GanjDroid, I am feeling completely numb today. It's a way to protect myself from the pain. I know I am not alone and you guys understand and been through this many times...but the loneliness doesn't go away, even when I was with my boyfriend.

Z1t23ch3, it's alright. You were right anyway. Before my he broke up with me he told me I am to blame and it wasn't his fault. He did it all through text. Yet, i texted him and said i forgive him for doing this...he said i know it's hard. He actually has no idea. He always told me that he gets over people in a few months and if we ever broke up..he would be sad for a month but move on with his life and be happy again. Unfortunately I am not like that...it's a terrible feeling. He was my first bf, love, my first everything...It's tough. I will try my best to take care of myself since I have to go on...life doesn't pause for anyone. I am glad I still have this forum..without this I would be much worse.

Yeah, moving on is hard. Forgetting is hard. I'm sorry for all this. However, you can see how bpd can cause a person a lot of trouble. It's hard not to feel alone or hated when people don't want to be around you. It's not your fault comepletely. Hurt people, hurt people.

Everything is so frustrating! ughhh...

All I can go is just move on...and stop hurting people. I need to stay away from them, until I get better.

Hi Lonely...

I am so sad and sorry to hear about you and your bf. But I feel that I should point out, that it takes TWO to be in a relationship, and even though you had some of the blame, and willingly accept it (GOOD JOB!!!), some of this is HIS fault too. I know we can be a VERY difficult breed, but he had to have known some of what he was taking on, and there was something he DID love about you, or it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did.

I do feel for you, and am sending a *hug*.

Please PM me if you need or want to! We are all here for you!

AMP

MissAli,

I know, it's true...he actually knew everything from day one. The first time I met him I told him everything about myself. He thought he could change me and bring happiness into my sad life. He lost. I just wish he didn't end it the way he did...it makes me feel so unworthy. Who ends everything over a text? I don't care about the one year and four months. What I care about is all the things we went through together...he was more than my bf, he was actually my best friend. I am losing too much. I just wish he had done it differently. It makes me feel disgusting. I don't know....I am feeling like crap. I don't know what he loved about me. There's nothing to love about myself.

Thank you for being here for me

lonelyworld wrote:Everything is so frustrating! All I can go is just move on...and stop hurting people. I need to stay away from them, until I get better.

You don't have to stay away. You won't get better alone. A large part of healing is having a support system. Just be more careful with people's hearts. They can be hurt and stressed just like us. We don't see it because we split them into heroes. Real adults, who have their sh*t together. We're just little children, we feel. We have to take care of each other.

You don't have to stay away. You won't get better alone. A large part of healing is having a support system. Just be more careful with people's hearts. They can be hurt and stressed just like us. We don't see it because we split them into heroes. Real adults, who have their sh*t together. We're just little children, we feel. We have to take care of each other.

I try so much not to hurt them..but somehow i still find a way. it's ridiculous! I need to keep practicing what i am learning in therapy. But the sad part is, i have no one now. My friends are so unaware of what's happening to me, they really don't understand or bother trying to understand. My friends are people that i can just go out with and pretend i am the happiest person, when it comes to having someone to talk to, it was my bf and now "ex". So this forum is my bf for now...wow im so lame haha!