Advice much needed

Hey guys,

First of all, I have been lurking a bit and found heaps of information and good vibes, so I figured I'd do some talking myself.

I believe I have BPD, and even more so, the transparent type.
I say believe because I know I have a mental disorder, but have been searching and looking for the exact match, with the help of my boyfriend. I am not an adult yet (I am sixteen and a half at the moment) so I cannot do much on my own in the sense of therapists and doctors without having parental approval. I understand researching and talking to others whom I believe are relate-able isn't as effective as talking to a professional, but at the moment it is all I have.

And now I would like to talk about what I have experienced and been as well as symptoms that cause me to believe I have BPD.

I have had what some call a rough start. I try to be open minded about it and move on, but it is far from easy. I have just about the worst parents in the world that seem to hate me for no apparent reason. I am not unhappy because of the "my dad didn't give me hugs" typical ordeal, but more so for the manipulative aspect of that parental relationship. Another rough patch was my brother and his fascination with molesting me when I was too young to understand what was even happening. These things alongside being "different" and therefore a social outcast in school and sports are things I believe have "triggered" these symptoms in me. Speaking of symptoms, I haven't said them yet. So, here goes:

I believe I am two different people. Not in the sense of having multiple personalities, but in the sense that I hide who I really am. I lie and evade certain things people ask because I don't want them to know that I am hurting and a broken person. Also because I hate who I really am and don't believe anyone could love me. (This obviously puts a bit of a strain on my relationship, so it's a pain in the butt.)

I am suicidal, but too much of a wuss to go through with it. I also see some happiness in life, so don't want to give it up, but it is not a day where I don't think of taking my life, or remember that I felt that way.

I am easily angered, and when I get angry...I get furious. Irascible is what I am. Any little thing can send me into such sudden rage that I begin banging my head on walls and pulling my hair. I don't know how to stop it, either. I wish I could, but it's like a vicious circle.

I have teeter-totting relationships with my friends and family. Well...friends...I hate calling them that since I hate them so much yet love them so much. I have ended numerous friendships because I just didn't want them anymore, or they became annoying to me, when they never even changed anything in the first place...

I had a few years where I felt absolutely empty, like a hallow tree or rock. I felt like my existance was as useful as that of a mosquito. Just sucking up life and resources, not doing much. The only thing that changed that is my current relationship, but deep down I still feel it gnawing at me at times. Like..."haha you think you're full now? because you aren't."

I have mood swings like as if I am some pregnant lady or something. I have flipped out on people after just telling them nice things. I have gone from ecstatic to gloomy to angry to confused in a matter of minutes. I cannot control my emotions even as they tear me and my one good relationship in front of me.

I hurt myself. I am not a cutter, but I purposefully hit myself or make another object hit me, or am purposefully clumsy or not careful so someone causes an accident that hurts me. I have walked into incoming traffic, walked too close to the road, banged my head on my desk until it bled, punched myself, cut food too close to my fingers, you name it.

I also experience the abandonment feeling that I have read a lot about. I feel so lonely and alone when I am without my rock...my boyfriend. I feel like it isn't healthy at all, but at the same time it feels like everyone has left me to rot, so if he leaves I would be done for. So it's just too difficult. I hate goodbyes and I hate being alone. The silence reminds me that I am as empty as I have ever been.

And other things that aren't BPD symptoms(I think), but that I have;

I think a lot, and it gets to the point where my head is spinning and it just stops and I think of nothing at all, like complete emptiness.

I only trust one person, and it is not myself

I find it difficult to cope with sadness, and cry easily, and also cry when I am super angry.

I think I waste people's time when they talk to me, because I am a waste myself.

I hate myself despite people complimenting me or saying nice things.

And after typing all this, I am not sure what I am looking for. Helpful words or wisdom. Reassurance or understanding...

Thanks

hey, I'm glad you decided to post this time. these forums seem to help me out when I feel at a loss with my 'self'. it's nice to be able to relate to people. I suspected I was borderline since I was 15 and was diagnosed at 18. I'm nearing 20 so it's still as if it was yesterday

you seem (from what I can tell, at least) to be pretty self-aware, as I always have been too... I don't want to say that you are or aren't BPD, but I know that when I realized how much I felt I could identify with the likes of BPD I really was 100% certain, and magically, I was right

do you have any adults that you trust? like a friend's mom, or your boyfriend's mom even? it'd be good if you could get the gears spinning on obtaining a therapist or some sort of professional. either way, you'll be 18 before you know it and I'm sure you will be more than on top of getting yourself the assistance you need.

and until then, most everyone here on the forums are very non-judgemental supports

Yeah, most of the posts seem to be nice and positive.

I guess I am self-aware, I just have time to think of things, so I guess I focus on myself a lot of the time.

It's good to know that you were right about your identification with it. Well not in the sense that you have it perse, but that you at least were right about yourself. I hope that happens with me as well, because it has become easier to cope with being the way I am since I found a possible reason for it.

I do intend on getting a professional view on this as is recommended. I just cannot do it at the moment. But, no, I don't trust any adults like that.

You sound a lot like me with your emotions.

You seem to be going through a lot. I understand how it feels to have no one you can trust and be dealing with intense emotions. I think I was 16 when things hit me real hard. I did get some support and I didn't need to get parental approval. I don't know where you live and how it works. If you go to school, talk to some guidance counselor and ask them for help, without getting your parents involved. When i began therapy I told the psychiatrist to keep it personal and I didn't want my family involved. If you have a cell phone, they can contact you through that and they won't have to contact your parents. I just hope you find some help because the earlier, the better!

I recently found this website, and trust me, it's a great place to let out how you feel without being judged. We are always here for you Good Luck with everything *hugs*

P.s. the other things you feel that are not listed as part of bpd are similar to what i struggle with. I think they are part of your traumatic experiences; the root of all our problems is the same, our childhood experiences. I hate myself too despite how many people compliment me, it doesn't change my view about myself. I hope you work things out!!! Message me if you want to!

-- Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:20 pm --

You sound a lot like me with your emotions.

You seem to be going through a lot. I understand how it feels to have no one you can trust and be dealing with intense emotions. I think I was 16 when things hit me real hard. I did get some support and I didn't need to get parental approval. I don't know where you live and how it works. If you go to school, talk to some guidance counselor and ask them for help, without getting your parents involved. When i began therapy I told the psychiatrist to keep it personal and I didn't want my family involved. If you have a cell phone, they can contact you through that and they won't have to contact your parents. I just hope you find some help because the earlier, the better!

I recently found this website, and trust me, it's a great place to let out how you feel without being judged. We are always here for you Good Luck with everything *hugs*

P.s. the other things you feel that are not listed as part of bpd are similar to what i struggle with. I think they are part of your traumatic experiences; the root of all our problems is the same, our childhood experiences. I hate myself too despite how many people compliment me, it doesn't change my view about myself. I hope you work things out!!! Message me if you want to!

Hi there, and WELCOME!!! You may not be diagnosed yet, but you do seem to be reaching out for help here, and that is what we're all here to do for each other.

I feel for you, because if I'd been armed with the tools of self-awareness, and searching for answers when I was your age, I could have stopped a lot of harmful behaviors and saved a lot of relationships in my life. You may not think that you have that many that are meaningful, but we all tend to realize when it's too late. And that's usually after an ugly outburst :0).

I could have been you at that age, and WAS, but just didn't know it.

I do think that you need to explore the avenues of getting with a therapist as soon as possible. It will be the staple of your very existence, and will also help you along through the rough spots. This forum gets me through in between visits, and I have found my very solace and peace on here. You will find that this community is the least judgmental EVER, and the people on here are wonderful to share with you what they know and what they can. And that is a LOT.

I'm reaching out my hand to you, and hope that you will reach back. You have made a big step (PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT!!! It's a HUGE deal!!!) in posting on here, and I believe that you will find that others will do the same for you.

Once again, welcome, and we're glad to have you :0)

AMP

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.

lonelyworld wrote:P.s. the other things you feel that are not listed as part of bpd are similar to what i struggle with. I think they are part of your traumatic experiences; the root of all our problems is the same, our childhood experiences. I hate myself too despite how many people compliment me, it doesn't change my view about myself. I hope you work things out!!! Message me if you want to!

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not alone, and even more so that someone has similar tendencies.