It was all my fault

Been really confused lately. I thought i could keep the bpd relaspe to myself, but depression isnt easy to cover up. People at work could see i was acting different. I was in my world, pushing everyone away, splitting. I hated my bf so much and wanted to leave, but it was all me, me thinking in black and white, everything he said i turned into a negative and convienced myself he didnt love me, until of course he said maybe you should leave if your not happy. No no no i cant leave, abandoment - complete turn around from hate to idealisation anything to stay.
Now he has read up on bpd after finding out i was on prozac he is so annoyed that i couldnt trust him and that i told my boss at work i was on pills and not him.
Now everything is my fault but i never asked to have bpd! I cant help being ashamed to be like this and wanting to hide it from him and the world.
Just want to go back into my world where i cant see i am hurting people and where no one can hurt me. All my posts over the last month wanted to get back to reality, now im back i dont like it! There is comfort in my world, dont have to face the real world.
Is this making any sence to anyone? In an hour or so time i probably wont make any sence of what i have written myself!
I suppose my problem may be that i seek the love you see in films because i dont really know what love is so i want somthing that is not real, or is it? What is love?
Maybe i am really just insane

Hey, I'm insane too, so you're in great company. I prefer to think that I just have a different way of looking at things than the normal/average person.

I know how you feel, and NO - love is not what it looks like in movies. Not that I would truly know, because I don't accept anyone's love, even when they jump through hoops to prove it to me. I just don't believe that they're being sincere, because I don't love myself.

Let me get this straight - your bf told your boss that you're on medication? If I read that correctly, that's pretty messed up. It's not your boss's place to know whether you are or are not medicated, unless YOU choose to tell him yourself.

I do understand your boyfriend's frustration - everyone bf I've had has been frustrated over my actions and feelings. I am doing my best to overcome my issues with self-esteem, but so far I'm only in the discovery phase of my feelings, not the "recovery" or such that I hope to attain (yet). But I WILL get there. It just depends on how long, because I'm feeling a little impatient.

I think you need to evaluate your relationship with this guy. Does he support you?

AMP

Hi ya, it was me i told my boss, but i never told by bf. That really hurt him but i thought i could just take pills with no one knowning but as i work closely with my boss he knew sonething was wrong.
Kinda glad by bf found out as these pills are really spacing me out !!
He is supportive, just with such an age gap (20 years) we dont really seem to have alot in common anymore. And of course the way i think i change everything he says into a negative. I just feel trapped i suppose, like i have to ask permission to go out or have friends over. Its his house i live in and that causes my problem as i dont feel at home if you know what i mean?
Havent told anyone how much i actually want to self harm. I look at things on my desk at work that i could hurt myself with and struggle everyday not to, sometimes i dont succeed but know one knows cos i am so good at hiding it or making up some story like the iron fell on my arm when i was putting it away.
Oh goodness i cant believe i am admitting this.
I am scared the self harm will get out of control but i cant let anyone find out - im 38 years old surely i should beable to stop this by now! Oh i hate myself so much.
Sorry going on again .......

Nutter-

It's okay to feel pain. It can be very therapeutic. However, I hope that you didn't hurt yourself to relieve it. If you did, we are here for you. Please let me know how you are doing. I was just thinking about you today, and thought I would re-post on this thread.

Things going any better?

AMP

Hi Nutter,

I relate to what you said about feeling down lately too, not that ive been wanting to cover it up as much as just feeling whats the point in talking about it and struggling to be able to.

Nutter wrote:All my posts over the last month wanted to get back to reality, now im back i dont like it!

i get that, lol. i don't want to change anything, but its kinda crappy when you get there and find there is a lot of pain and confusion.

yeah, times when i have self harmed i'd most often make up excuses. its not all that hard for me not to self harm cause i know there is just no point cause it will only help for a very short time anyway.

i dont think what i'm going through is relapse, i think its just part of what has to happen along the way, but just wanted to say i relate to some of that, and sorry you're having a hard time too.