Fear of life

I`ve been locked in my room for years now. I dont work, dont go to school, nothing. I wonder if someone else feels so scared about the world and life. I try to sleep as much as I can to forget about life and when Im awake I try to hide as much as I can. It feels safe but also boring to the point of despair. The worst part is that I dont think I will ever want to leave this place. I just want everything to end as soon as posible. My fears are so huge and paralyzing.

7 years ago I was in university and I was trying to live a normal life. Trying because I was scared anyway. Had good grades, enjoyed the classes, found a girlfriend. Then I quit Paxil which I had been taking for 4 years and had terrible crash. My fears became unbearable, I had a terible depression, depersonalization, anxiety.. I tried to kill myself 3 times and last time I almost sucedeed. I went to the er and stayed in a coma for days. At that point I decided I wouldnt try anything else in life. Now I am enjoying the stability, taking effexor and leaving my room only to see my psychiatrist once a week. Thats all I do and I will resist on doing anything else. Even my sessions I dont take really seriously. They take 20 minutes and I never expose myself in there.
I am afraid of life as long as I can remember. I remember as a litlle boy going beneath my blankets and wishing I could stay there forever, in a safe place. I am so scared I dont enjoy life at all. To me its all about avoiding. I am not afraid of people or social situations specifically. I am afraid of life, of living.

I thought I could have BPD but I cant be sure. My doctor doesent believe in personality disorders. I dont know if that could be an answer, would it explain so much fear? HOw weak am I for giving up like that? You all have your issues but I can see you are all trying, not just waiting life to pass you by. I am a prisioner of my fears, and my prison is so tiny I can barely breathe anymore.

It takes a lot to get better. You've taken a good step by reaching out to others who could understand and who might have advice for you. So how are you weak, when you haven't given up? Maybe you're still in your room right now, maybe for the next month, year, etc, you'll still only be able to leave once a week to see your psych, but you're trying to gain understanding.

Do you have any dream for your life? Sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me going. And sometimes a dream for your life can help you move out of the place you're stuck in (:

there are some sucky things about life, but there are also some pretty cool things too. it's okay to avoid the stuff that doesnt appeal, and just stay with the stuff that you do like

Hey Phoenix, thanks for the reply. I have no dreams at all. Maybe my dream is to become less scared, to have a life after all. I just feel so disconected. Thanks for you words.

Hey invisibleghost, I dont even know what I like to do. If you asked me ehat I like to do I would probably say to sleep and thats it. I dont even take advantage of the nice things I have, like a nice family, some loyal friends, a confortable life, etc.. I just feel so guilty,so not worth of it, that I cant enjoy it. I could tell you my life and you would see I ve got no problems at all. Still, I feel so miserable.

do you know what it is about life that you are afraid of?

May I ask how old you are? I'm 25 and I've been recovering since mid-February. If you think we have it figured out or that you are some how inferior, then you are wrong. We don't have it figured out. No one does. Not even "normal" people. Everyone hates their lives sometimes. People are always complaining about their jobs/family/bills/whatever. People bitch about celebrities bitching about how hard it is to be famous and rich. So yeah, no one has it figured out. No one.

Anyway, we are trying. We have to try. It has not gotten any easier. It's the same fight everyday. We are not winning. No one else is either. People look back and wish they hadn't spent six hours of their day off watching T.V. and playing video games. Everyone looks back in regret. That's why there are poems about doors that were never opened and paths that were never taken.

I, personally, have been up and down so many times since February, that I WANT to just throw in the towel. I constantly wonder, "Is it worth it?" I don't know why I go on, but I do. Every other day, I consider suicide. Every other week, I plan on killing myself.

I'm just saying, don't get so hard on yourself. No one is perfect. No one can tell you nothing. No one knows more than you. No one has access to answers that you can't find. Wisdom is common. I have been in the $#%^ as well. I survive. I may never strive. I will try. You can too.