More reckless, less caring..

I'm becoming more reckless, less caring about everything in life. I completely went off the rails on the weekend. Hooked up with 4 guys, drank excessively - I ended up with a bruised bone, smoked weed, cried for 6 hours straight, smoked 4 packets of ciggies, went for a long drive completely drunk with my housemate, didn't eat for 3 days, spent all of my money...

I usually don't act like that, I don't know why I did. I just seem to be caring less and less lately. I've lost all my friends because I've blocked everyone out. I've skipped all my classes this semester at uni. My psych hasn't even called me and I missed our appointment yesterday - which tells me she doesn't give a sh*t, so I'm not contacting her or ever going back there.

Therapy is supposed to be helping me, yet I keep spiralling. Now I'm sitting in bed all day, I've smoked nearly a whole pack and cut myself up. Haven't heard from my family in a few days. I'm at the stage where there's nothing left. I've completely f**ked my life up.

Has anyone else gone through this before? Where everything has happened at once and you feel like everything around you is spiralling yet you don't care? Or just can't control it?

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Or similiar stories.

(((Hugs))) Chaudement.

Yeah, I've been there. Where everything's just totally out of control and I've got no idea how to fix any of it and it's all happening at once and I can't deal with it all. Where I desperately want to be in control, but I can't be. I swing between caring too much and not caring at all. I get like that when my depressive episodes are at their worst and I start to get a bit paranoid about whats going on around me. I sort of just go of the deep end- rant/rave/get nasty/get absolutely furious and then crumble completely. I'm usually seen as very quiet and reserved. I don't know how to deal with it though. I usually just have to try and wait it out until the episode starts to go away.

I have trouble with the therapy stuff too. I can't move forward at all, so I'm just stuck at a point of hopelessness and when that gets too much I fall further backwards.

I can't really offer any advice, but I can say I definitely relate. Take care, and we're here if you want to chat.

Chaudement I'm in the same phase as you. I'm in a reckless/disengaging from life phase right now. Everything I've done in the past two days is probably going to get me hospitalized but I don't care. I have plenty of marijuana to smoke and when I combine that with alcohol AND my medications it really f*cks me up big time, I feel Like I'm dying and it's fun. I've also been cutting lately and am doing everything I can think of to get prepared to quit my job that I hate so much. I actually drive drunk for fun, it's a game to me to see if I can get away with it without running anyone over or getting arrested. I'm also drunk this very moment, and it's been a while. I forgot how fun it feels to be dead drunk. I've been banging my arms at work so I have bruises all over my left arm not to mention cuts from my razor blade. As for eating, I've been binge eating lately until I'm so full that I almost vomit. I'm not in therapy, so I have no excuse for trying to get better. All I know is the next time my psychiatrist sees me, she will be shocked at how messed up I've become. I blame my medications for me being in such a bad state. If I weren't on so many medications I'd be doing a lot better I believe. I guess all I can do is hope it will be better the next day but I'm with you on feeling like you don't care about life anymore.

I hope things get better for you & you can get control back or things get better. Yes, know those feelings, sorta on a different level with slightly different ways of self destruction. I feel myself getting there, so I know its coming unless I am in the cycle that feeling will come and go quickly..Its getting over the first period which for me is about 2 months. Within that 2 months the only way I can stop myself from doing something bad is have something positive within 2-3 months. That has to be a new job or some goal that can somehow change everything. I am near the end of my 3 month cycle..knowing something really life changing is right around the corner, like moving to the mountains and being in a position to start dating again...sounds like a dream, a temporary cure or something positive to help my bpd permanently..well I see the light while I walk along a thin board...like being able to say ###$ it at moments notice and throw in the towel.

Thats my cycle, which is usually triggered by a girl. During the 2-3 month cycle I sleep alot, dont do much, barely eat. This weight on my stomach hurting which usually travels close to my sternum. Its that feeling I know I am either at the bottom or just about there, sometimes it lasts a few minutes sometimes days..its always there when I eat, something about that erry feeling in my stomach makes food disgusting, cant be around or eat it, seems like I want to puke it out and eating is bad because it gives me nutrients etc..thats my signal to say hey, do something now or its done. Hiking anything outdoors, trip to the mountains immediately or go somewhere local or find a friend anyone to see or text with. I also smoke marijuana regularly, its one of the only things that helps, besides the medication. My doc prescribed it for my depression along with an anti depressant. I rarely drink and do no other form of abuse to a drug. There is little to no mixing it with another chemical like alcohol. That could be why it seems to help me most of the time.

Recently I hit alot of stress, it was do or die on this project which almost fell through..which was the last 2 weeks of on and off type stuff. I was very erratic, smoked way way too much marijuana, mixing tons of kinds, smoke from when I woke to sleep, sometimes wake up for a bowl. I stopped that and have control again smoking only a few bowls a day to either give me an indica or sativa depending on what it needs to do and I am getting back to normal quickly and my sleep pattern is normalizing again, taking vitamins and eating twice a day instead of 1 small crap meal.

Thats about my crazy cycle in a nutshell. Be good to yourself! I hope you can find something to either help with the pain which is healthy and not abusive. A few of my friends are hoping I know what I am doing..so do I

lilyfairy wrote:(((Hugs))) Chaudement.

Yeah, I've been there. Where everything's just totally out of control and I've got no idea how to fix any of it and it's all happening at once and I can't deal with it all. Where I desperately want to be in control, but I can't be. I swing between caring too much and not caring at all. I get like that when my depressive episodes are at their worst and I start to get a bit paranoid about whats going on around me. I sort of just go of the deep end- rant/rave/get nasty/get absolutely furious and then crumble completely. I'm usually seen as very quiet and reserved. I don't know how to deal with it though. I usually just have to try and wait it out until the episode starts to go away.

I have trouble with the therapy stuff too. I can't move forward at all, so I'm just stuck at a point of hopelessness and when that gets too much I fall further backwards.

I can't really offer any advice, but I can say I definitely relate. Take care, and we're here if you want to chat.

Thankyou lilyfairy

It does feel like that, like I'm trying to gain control but I'm just falling apart and becoming paranoid about everything around me... I'm seen as quiet and reserved too, but when I get in these moods I'm just angry and spiteful. Thats apparently why my psych has left me as well, because I wasn't "responding" to therapy and was difficult. When you feel so low and hopeless, how on earth are you supposed to feel better and move forward with therapy? Psychologists need to walk a mile in our shoes before they can tell us that.

Your support is all I need ((hugs))

ajrocker8 wrote:Chaudement I'm in the same phase as you. I'm in a reckless/disengaging from life phase right now. Everything I've done in the past two days is probably going to get me hospitalized but I don't care. I have plenty of marijuana to smoke and when I combine that with alcohol AND my medications it really f*cks me up big time, I feel Like I'm dying and it's fun. I've also been cutting lately and am doing everything I can think of to get prepared to quit my job that I hate so much. I actually drive drunk for fun, it's a game to me to see if I can get away with it without running anyone over or getting arrested. I'm also drunk this very moment, and it's been a while. I forgot how fun it feels to be dead drunk. I've been banging my arms at work so I have bruises all over my left arm not to mention cuts from my razor blade. As for eating, I've been binge eating lately until I'm so full that I almost vomit. I'm not in therapy, so I have no excuse for trying to get better. All I know is the next time my psychiatrist sees me, she will be shocked at how messed up I've become. I blame my medications for me being in such a bad state. If I weren't on so many medications I'd be doing a lot better I believe. I guess all I can do is hope it will be better the next day but I'm with you on feeling like you don't care about life anymore.

I know the feeling of combining weed, meds and alcohol. It's a rush, it feels like you could collapse any moment but you just don't care. Thats how I feel at the moment. I think you should quit your job if you hate it! It only drags you down further, it's not bringing anything positive to your life.. I drove completely drunk the other night past the police station a few times to see if I'd get caught as well. Funny how we're similiar in that aspect. It's amazing to feel dead drunk, it's a real high. My legs are completely cut up, it's a horrible sight. But it just releases so much for me, so many emotions. I really hope you start feeling better soon. I know it's hypocritical of me, but I know exactly how it feels to be like this and know that you can message me anytime things get tough.

GanjDroid wrote:I hope things get better for you & you can get control back or things get better. Yes, know those feelings, sorta on a different level with slightly different ways of self destruction. I feel myself getting there, so I know its coming unless I am in the cycle that feeling will come and go quickly..Its getting over the first period which for me is about 2 months. Within that 2 months the only way I can stop myself from doing something bad is have something positive within 2-3 months. That has to be a new job or some goal that can somehow change everything. I am near the end of my 3 month cycle..knowing something really life changing is right around the corner, like moving to the mountains and being in a position to start dating again...sounds like a dream, a temporary cure or something positive to help my bpd permanently..well I see the light while I walk along a thin board...like being able to say ###$ it at moments notice and throw in the towel.

Thats my cycle, which is usually triggered by a girl. During the 2-3 month cycle I sleep alot, dont do much, barely eat. This weight on my stomach hurting which usually travels close to my sternum. Its that feeling I know I am either at the bottom or just about there, sometimes it lasts a few minutes sometimes days..its always there when I eat, something about that erry feeling in my stomach makes food disgusting, cant be around or eat it, seems like I want to puke it out and eating is bad because it gives me nutrients etc..thats my signal to say hey, do something now or its done. Hiking anything outdoors, trip to the mountains immediately or go somewhere local or find a friend anyone to see or text with. I also smoke marijuana regularly, its one of the only things that helps, besides the medication. My doc prescribed it for my depression along with an anti depressant. I rarely drink and do no other form of abuse to a drug. There is little to no mixing it with another chemical like alcohol. That could be why it seems to help me most of the time.

Recently I hit alot of stress, it was do or die on this project which almost fell through..which was the last 2 weeks of on and off type stuff. I was very erratic, smoked way way too much marijuana, mixing tons of kinds, smoke from when I woke to sleep, sometimes wake up for a bowl. I stopped that and have control again smoking only a few bowls a day to either give me an indica or sativa depending on what it needs to do and I am getting back to normal quickly and my sleep pattern is normalizing again, taking vitamins and eating twice a day instead of 1 small crap meal.

Thats about my crazy cycle in a nutshell. Be good to yourself! I hope you can find something to either help with the pain which is healthy and not abusive. A few of my friends are hoping I know what I am doing..so do I

I'm glad you can find positive things to look forward too! I wish I could do the same..

I get into a similiar cycle. I go through bouts of self destruction (cutting, drinking until I pass out, drugs, guys, drink driving, starving myself). But then I get into a different cycle where I don't eat anything, sleep all of the time and can't stand to be around anyone. I know the feeling you're talking about in your stomache. I get it a lot, it feels like an empty pit, a knot so deep in my stomache and I don't want to eat, I just lay there wishing it would disappear. I do weed with a lot of other substances, thats probably not helping. I like the hiking idea though, I might try that. I'm really impressed that you can do that when you feel like this! I just want to sleep all day. You're very strong.

I'm glad you're doing better, and I have a lot of faith in you that you know what you're doing. You've given me a few ideas here to try, so I might give them a go. Thankyou GanjDroid.

Chaudement wrote:I'm glad you're doing better, and I have a lot of faith in you that you know what you're doing. You've given me a few ideas here to try, so I might give them a go. Thankyou GanjDroid.

What a roller coaster the past few days! Stress hit hard again and went downhil, couldnt sleep..slowed down on the marijuana, I was having a few issues & a few friends mentioned it..so I am trying to get control again. I see this extreme up and down going on for a few months until things smooth out. I also raised the anti depressant to where it should be which made a huge difference, as I thought a starter dose would work. Summer has been hot, money is towards work so lots of stress with not as much play for a bit..Get into a gym and another month can hit the trails again. Nature helps a ton! Also just laying out chilling.