Suddenly developing symptoms

So, background: I'm 19, nearly 20, and I've had steadily worsening depression for about as long as I can remember. I've made two suicide attempts and recently had to leave college because I could not get myself up to go to class and was starting to fail and sink toward another suicide attempt. I've done DBT before, but never been diagnosed with borderline.

Lately, however, I've begun to think that I'm developing it. I don't feel like I used to alternatively lionize and demonize people, but now I do. Lately I've often felt very disconnected from my body, both in the sense that I feel like my body is some kind of extraneous fleshy limb hanging off of my eyes and that I look in the mirror and feel no connection between myself and the person I see. A couple of months ago I had a period where I regularly had impulsive sex with strangers, despite not enjoying it and not even actually desiring it at any point. I felt like I was acting in a dream. I've always been pretty reactive, but last night I had a calm conversation in which I had to defend my beliefs against people who disagreed with me but were quite polite about it, and afterward I felt furious at them and became very depressed for a couple of hours. I didn't feel like I was in control of my emotions, beyond just the fact that I have a chemical imbalance. I felt like my mind and my feelings were being controlled externally. And now I feel like my rationality and ability to have balanced, dialectic opinions has been stolen from me. I feel like I'm a different person, and I don't know who that person is.

I hate it because I don't think I used to be like this. It feels new, like I'm losing my mind and it's degrading and I'm losing the ability to know what's real and what's right and what I should believe. And even that sounds crazy to me. I feel like I've suddenly become a crazy person and I've lost my mind and it's terrifying. I don't know that this is BPD, and obviously you can't diagnose me, but if anyone has anything to say on developing symptoms like this that weren't there before it would be a great help I feel.

Hi,

It seems like this has been building-up over a long period of time and that you have already been through 'the system' (i.e. the recovery system) but to no avail. In light of this, I think it's understandable that you're still feeling quite lost. Much of a recovery must come from within you, you know that? You can listen and listen to all of the doctors in the world 24/7, but you'll never get anywhere. You have to make most of the effort in improving your situation. I say this because DBT won't work unless you make a huge effort yourself. You have to want to change your life, and must devote time to figuring out how (with advice from the therapist).

I'll leave you with these thoughts: Your life is in your hands and you can choose what you want to do and where you want to go. You don't HAVE TO do what any doctor tells you. Listent o what they say, analyse it, and then see how you can apply it to your life. If it helps, go for walks in order to think about things. Just don't get stuck in the rut of the downward spital that you're currently in. There IS a way out, but you have to put in a huge effort to find it. I also want to say that it won't be easy. This whole exercise is about getting to knowe yourself better and how you interact with the world.

TAke care and good luck
Kevin

Thanks for your input. I have been putting a good deal of effort into my recovery, it just feels like I'm suddenly having to deal with problems that aren't my problems. In DBT I learned how to combat my depressive episodes and lift my mood and untwist the cognitive distortions I had and not let my anxiety control my thoughts. But now it seems as if I have all these new issues that aren't a part of me and don't make sense to me and I don't know how to deal with them. I've been battling depression to some degree for as long as I can remember, so that always just felt like a worsening of problems I already had, but this feels new and foreign.

Looking back to when I was 19, I had a lot of BPD symptoms get much worse right around then. My behavior spiraled out of control and I dropped out of college as well. I did manage to graduate later, but it was difficult.

I can't give you much good advice other than to take care of your physical health, and trust your most honest instincts.

Yeah I remember having all the symptoms as a kid and throughout my teens but after I graduated from high school when I was 18 all my symptoms became a lot worse and magnified and it made my whole life spiral out of control. I'm still only in my early 20s so I'm still in the chaotic/unstable life period and I can only hope it will get better in time. But that makes sense that your illness got bad when you were 19, that's like a peak age for developing most mental disorders.