Feeling Vulnerable

I've written down everything that is bothering me in my life and what emotions I have around it. I then did a second list of how those situations could work out way better than expected. I then wrote down friendships and validating experiences (recently passed and soon upcoming). That made me feel a bit better. I loathe feeling vulnerable, but it is important that I make peace with it; because I am the queen of emotion suppression. Being on this site, is not just to hang out and have fun (which I do) but also a vehicle to help me accept my emotions and working through them in real time and grow as a person.

I focussed on my body sensations and breathed. I don't feel there is much else I can do when my brain is shortcircuiting and I feel so highly reactive. I'm finding it hard to stay with my emotions, validate them myself, make good decisions and communicate effectively with others. I've could have done better a couple of times recently but I'm also trying to give myself credit for acting well in the majority of cases despite strong emotions. I know this time will pass and I will feel strong and healthy again. I rang mental health to get some info about bipolar, borderline and post traumatic stress symptoms, but they wouldn't give it to me. They were concerned they would confuse me even further, which I suppose is quite a valid point. I just have soooo much to talk to my pdoc about because she is also my therapist, I can't possibly get answers to all the questions I have atm in an hour. I have to accept that even though everything feels urgent atm, I can actually survive without answers to any of it. I just get so much fear about downward spirals that I want to apply "stitch in time saves nine" philosophy. I might just have to accept that I'm going to have to bottom out before I come back up. If I accept that, a lot of the anxiety might dissipate. Well I'll go for a walk and come of one way I'm going to treat myself today that doesn't involve spending money and make sure I do it. I'll also do a body sensation meditation - and set the alarm just in case I fall asleep. Didn't get much sleep last night. I'll keep doing what I can to help avoid a crash but not feel any sense of failure if the crash still comes to get me. That's the plan. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and check in later.

Hi, this is an update... I've cut and copied parts from the bipolar board... with bpd extras

I was lucky that I had a pdoc appt today and she said it was 100% ptsd.

Bipolar Dysphoric Elevation - I asked how ptsd is different to dysphoric elevation (DE) and she said because although I'm being triggered I still really care about the people who held the triggers for me. (She said that BPD can have some elevation within that mood lability too). She said my bipolar dysphoric elevation takes the form of grandiose expectations of others with no leeway and no consideration for their situations or feelings Okay, now I know what to look for with dysphoric elevation is that DE has that "How Dare They!!!" anger associated with it.

PTSD - I asked "But how could I NOT be regarded as DE atm??? I am talking loud and fast and feel like I've got fireworks going off inside me!!" and she said that the difference was that a) there were many big recent triggers and b) there is a severe hypervigilance associated with it. She said those two factors will help provide the clues as to whether it is a DE or whether it is a ptsd response. That was enormously helpful to me personally. I think it might be able to be roughly extrapolated to be very general guides for others here, but nothing as good as asking one's own pdoc about how these illnesses play themselves out or manifest for oneself.

A couple of triggers are that she carefully referred me to two other practitioners recently. She is very cautious who she refers me to because I am so reactive etc. Well neither of these referrals worked out and they were only 14 hours apart. I turned it all in on myself, deciding I must be the one wholely at fault. She said that EVERYONE has lots of bad luck in life, the only difference is bad luck for me triggers ptsd because of my past abuse. She was really pleased how I managed both those difficult situations, I validated these people, asserted myself and retained good relations. This was despite me absolutely falling to pieces inside. I did hold it together really well with them. So it was nice to have that affirmation from her.

She said that my eurphoric elevation (EE) is I laugh, joke and am really extraverted and friendly.

So that is my head shrunk for the day - she is such a good person and I'm so glad she has honed her good character and amazing intelligence and skill into the field of psychiatry - and that she takes me on as a bulk-billed client (means the govt pays but only about half her usual fee). I am truly blessed to have her as my doctor.

Hi Living Well,

Glad you managed to work those things out!

also helps clear things up for me too when i get a little hyper lol (i've had a lot of "must be bipolar" reactions too.)

thanks katana,
now I've got the usual post ptsd depression. Just riding it out. The sun will shine again.

LW-

Seems you've had a lot on your plate lately, and I can understand. I hope that you're feeling better and that the extreme emotions have passed. I'm cheering you on, no matter how long it takes for you to feel better :0). I think you're VERY aware of yourself, which is a HUGE plus.

Take care and *hugs*

AMP