So frustrated at him

What your boyfriend said was extremely invalidating. He may as well have said "Now that we know your headaches are caused by migraines, you have no excuse to get them anymore."

Having a diagnosis is certainly helpful. The more information you have the better equipped you are. However, it's niave to think you're going to turn around over night. It simply doesn't work that way. This isn't some day time TV show where the main character is cured once his therapist helps him realize what his problem really is.

If anything, it's more fair to say you have no excuse to seek therapy and work on self-improvement.
I don't think your boyfriend meant to be insensitive. I think he, like a lot of people, is simply uninformed. It's hard for a lot of people to wrap their heads around mental illness and to think of it as such. Hopefully he'll be willing to educate himself and better understand the reality of what you're trying to deal with.

agirlbyanyothername wrote:What your boyfriend said was extremely invalidating. He may as well have said "Now that we know your headaches are caused by migraines, you have no excuse to get them anymore."

So true.

Information is power, especially when it comes to dealing with mental illness. The more your boyfriend is willing to learn, the better he'll be able to understand you. The more you learn, the better you will understand yourself, and the easier learning to get a handle on your actions and reactions will be. Not that it's going to be easy, but information helps a heck of a lot.

I second I hate you don't leave me. I got a copy of it so I could stop borrowing the library copy!

Nicstar wrote:I would certainly be saying to him "I felt very comfortable telling you about my diagnosis and your reaction made me feel.......". Don't be afraid to set boundaries re: exceptable behaviour.

I agree, except I'd say "I felt (angry/invalidated/upset/etc) by your reaction". Your feelings are automatic responses to others, but they are still your own. Also, by taking responsibility for your feelings, he can't protest. He can't tell you what you should feel, especially when you make it clear that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, it's well past my bedtime.

Boundaries are very important in all relationships, even more so (IMO) when at least one person in that relationship has BPD. It's well worth you and him learning to make boundaries, respect each others and stick to your own.

hey guys,

I SO appreciate the advice and opinions of you all so much and wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply, reading all perspectives is very helpful. I will reply properly tomorrow as I have been awake for 48 hours straight now and forming a coherent sentence is hard work atm!! I am finally ready to crash and hoping some sleep will give me a better and clearer state of mind to deal with my boyfriend calmly. I am very relieved that most of you agree he was out of line, and I told him so too. He has now kind of back tracked and says that that was MY take on it but not what he meant. Umm I am not sure how else to take that. He said what he said and it was cold and uncaring and totally tactless and I do think that its only fair that if I am trying to change and improve myself then he should too.

Anyway, nothing good comes out of sleep deprived ramblings so I will update you all tomorrow. I am armed with the help and advice from you all, so thank you so much, really, it helps more than I can say!

I think the most frustrating part of having a mental illness is having to deal with emotional invalidation. There always seem to be plenty of "normal" people on hand to tell you how "ridiculous" you are being or just misunderstand you constantly.There is a serious lack of compassion and understanding for those who suffer from mental illness. People seem to think that just knowing you have a mental illness means you can stop said problem (mind over matter). Not true. That would be like telling a diabetic to control their insulin without insulin therapy.

It sounds like even though your boyfriend is good for you in the sense that he is stable and reliable, he doesn't seem to have much empathy or understanding of your condition. I don't know about you, but I couldn't be with someone who didn't take the time to understand me and try to work with me through my troubles.

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him that mental illness is just like any other disease and that you need him to be a bit more empathetic and understanding about it. Also express to him that when he says things of the nature you described, it invalidates your feelings and makes you feel x, y, z towards him.