New to BPD, My Daughter's Struggle

My daughter (20) was just diagnosed BPD recently. Always knowing there was something wrong..depression?? But not exactly..Bipolar?? Still not quite..was she just STILL acting out at this age?? I didn't want to believe that.

She is beautiful, boisterous, loud, silly, generous, comical...then sullen, angry, downright mean...needy, afraid of being alone, then claustrophobic and reeling to get away from everyone...hates everyone...loves everyone...blames everyone...and then she'll cry and said she's empty and dead inside and no longer wanted to "be". The abhorrent sexual behavior as a very young teen, substance abuse, a DUI at 17, and then an overdose at 18 had been the climax after years of watching her personality change and her life spiral out of control.

She was raised my myself and her grandmother for the most part until I was married when she was four years old. My husband was a great friend and father-figure to her, but it wasn’t the same as you can imagine for her. She had three additional siblings now as well, but always felt she was separate no matter what we did to show her otherwise. Her father was rarely in the picture and had to be prompted and begged to participate in even the most important events of her life. He went on to become a perfect father and husband in a new family he started when she was 17. I know that it killed her to see that.

At 18 she suddenly became very religious and routinely read the bible, quoting it on her home page often. We had never been a practicing family, rather more of a holiday observant family, but we supported her new interest. Then, almost out of nowhere, she joined the Marine Corps. She wanted to see the world and be “the best” as she put it. Retrospectively, I can say it was the best thing that could have happened. Had she not enlisted, her symptoms may never have come to a head where there were people constantly judging and watching her performance. I cringe feeling that we missed the signs that they didn’t, but it took them some two years to before they did.
After she finished boot camp and graduated (we were so proud), she wouldn’t call for months. The only updates were seen as posts on social networking sites saying she was out partying, etc. When she finally did call, she claimed that she was now not only vegan and gay, but was seeking the alternate religion of Satanism. We welcomed her new girlfriend and cautioned her to educate herself about what it meant to truly to practice this new ideology. She began tattooing herself (which was against regulations) and piercing her body, but we thought it was all an attempt to find herself as she became a full-fledged adult.

As time went by, her relationship fell into chaos and belief system crashed. She would call home upset, but then never want to talk. She would get angry when anyone asked normal things like how she was doing, etc.. Her girlfriend and I had become good friends during the early stages of their relationship and we maintained occasional contact throughout the ensuing months. She confided that my daughter was now seeing a young male Marine and it was quite serious, but wouldn’t elaborate. I soon was informed out of the blue, by my daughter, that she was getting married to this new boyfriend.

Again, we supported her and welcomed our new son-in-law into our family, but their happiness didn’t last long. My daughter had taken to bulimia and then anorexia. She even started smoking cigarillos regularly. When she brought him home to visit the first time, her demeanor ran the gambit of highs and lows. Her new husband was very, very stressed and upset at the random changes in her personality, not to mention that he could barely get her to eat anything substantial.

A few months after their visit, my son-in-law was deployed to Afghanistan. During his deployment she began having daily panic and anxiety attacks. She was afraid to be alone, but didn’t want to be around anyone. She’d call and say she couldn’t breathe and needed an ambulance, but they’d come and she’d refuse treatment. She called once to say that she was afraid to get out of her car and go into the store. Another time she calledto say she was numb, that her limbs actually had lost feeling. I told her to see a doctor immediately, but she refused. This whole time, I tried everything from “talking sense into her” to tough love conversations to offering my support and said I would come to stay with her for a while. She wouldn’t have it and refused everything, every time.
While her husband was away she started relying emotionally on another male friend and made overtures towards him. When he refused, she began heavily doing designer street drugs (bath salts), drinking, and taking unprescribed meds, like Xanax and oxycodone. All this, by the way, just came to light. Had we known the severity of her downward spiral, we would’ve instantly flown to be at her side. We just didn’t know…

Her phone calls were erratic. Sometimes she'd call several times a day, sometimes not for months. Sometimes she’d cry and hang up, sometimes she’d ramble on and on about nothing – just gibberish – and then talk to herself. She told me once, “I’m crazy.” And that I had no idea what was going on in her mind. I was distraught and didn’t know what to do. Later we found out that the only time she felt “normal” was while taking drugs.

Luckily her military command noticed the change in her both physically and mentally. She had become argumentative and insubordinate – something Marines frown deeply upon –and becoming very thin and gaunt. She was very fortunate to have a superior officer that was sympathetic and tried to help. Multiple psychological care givers and group therapies (nine to be exact) followed, but she didn’t improve. She was put on Prozac, but claimed it did nothing for her. Subsequently, it became apparent to her supervisor that she was abusing some type of illegal substance and the military put her in a 30-day rehab. That was when she had her final breakdown and threatened suicide. Only then, during lockdown, a psychiatrist took the time to properly diagnose her as BPD.
I applaud the medical professional that called me (with my daughter’s permission) who spoke very candidly and matter-of-factly. He was honest, brutally so, and made no bones about the danger she was in if her condition was addressed and properly treated.

Her husband has since been returned home from overseas by the military to help care for her and we are all ready, willing, and able to do whatever it is that she needs to get her the right help. It’s sad that it’s taken so long and that she had to live this way for so many years. It’s sad that she had all the warning signs, but no one knew to look for them. We’re looking inward now as well to see where we can be more open and honest with each other (my husband and three other teen children) about how we feel – for real – and what goes through our heads. How we can help each other while helping her.

I’ve immersed myself in literature and forums, feeding my brain any and all information about BPD. I have come to the conclusion that it’s not just understanding the disorder, it’s understanding the human mind and how it works. It’s understanding how things are processed. It’s about what we can do to help those we love with BPD to live with it, and find that balance that they need. It's knowing it may never go away. It’s also, very importantly, broadening public awareness so others don’t have to wait years, or for something terrible to happen before getting help. And finally, it’s about supporting medical research and physicians in finding the right combination of therapies for their BPD patients.

I stand with my daughter. She can stamp her foot in anger and turn away all she wants, but I know there’s always that little hand reaching backwards gesturing a silent, “Don’t leave me”, and I never will.

I truly applaud you. If you could see me right now, I have my hat off, and I'm giving you a standing ovation.

If you haven't passed her "test" of still loving someone after the most ugly of behavior, then she's still in her BPD phase of not being aware at all of what's real and what isn't. Sometimes our perceptions as BPD people are so strong that we simply aren't able to see the difference.

I feel inadequate to give you any advice, because it sounds as if you're doing a TRULY WONDERFUL job in searching for help and information.

I wish you were my mother.

AMP

Does your daughter have PTSD as well as BPD? Wondering sometimes they go hand in hand. With her tours its very possible PTSD started there unless its possible it could have earlier and combat would embed itself with the PTSD and cause a whirlwind..if she has PTSD?

Your post made me cry. You obviously love your daughter very much. Thank you for posting on this forum, it feels almost like you are a mother for all of us on here.

GanjDroid wrote:Does your daughter have PTSD as well as BPD? Wondering sometimes they go hand in hand. With her tours its very possible PTSD started there unless its possible it could have earlier and combat would embed itself with the PTSD and cause a whirlwind..if she has PTSD?

She was still relatively new to her post and had not yet been deployed, however, upon pondering your question deeply I am wondering if the intensity of bootcamp & combat training, followed by being low-man-on-totem-pole everywhere she went (and hazing that happens) didn't have something to do with triggering her. Thank you for asking. Every piece of the puzzle is deeply appreciated. Best to you

-- Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:05 am --

MissAli wrote:I feel inadequate to give you any advice, because it sounds as if you're doing a TRULY WONDERFUL job in searching for help and information. I wish you were my mother. AMP

Your response is so heart warming, brought a tear (and then a few more) to my eyes. I really, really appreciate hearing from you and feel reassured that we're on the right track because of it. Warm thoughts and wishes, hon. Thanks, sincerely.

@mooshoo: Thank YOU for responding and making me feel like I am not alone here. Your feedback is reassuring and I feel better knowing I'm starting in the right places. And thank you, as well, for your kind words. It's been a difficult few weeks and that made me smile.

I have the full confidence that with you behind her, she can begin her journey of healing. That's what we're all trying to do. It's hard, and we're all in different stages, but you have really been an inspiration.

I hope one day if I have children (if I can ever get myself together), I can be as supportive and dedicated as you are. You truly are a special mother.

Please write us anytime!!! We're all here to help each other!!!

*hugs*

AMP

My daughter's former girlfriend and I were talking last night. This morning I found this link in my Inbox from her. She said that my daughter had always responded to and communicated well through music, and that this was something she felt may help me to help her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dG ... ture=share

I wanted to share with all of you as well.

AmbersMom wrote:

GanjDroid wrote:Does your daughter have PTSD as well as BPD? Wondering sometimes they go hand in hand. With her tours its very possible PTSD started there unless its possible it could have earlier and combat would embed itself with the PTSD and cause a whirlwind..if she has PTSD?

She was still relatively new to her post and had not yet been deployed, however, upon pondering your question deeply I am wondering if the intensity of bootcamp & combat training, followed by being low-man-on-totem-pole everywhere she went (and hazing that happens) didn't have something to do with triggering her. Thank you for asking. Every piece of the puzzle is deeply appreciated. Best to you

-- Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:05 am --

MissAli wrote:I feel inadequate to give you any advice, because it sounds as if you're doing a TRULY WONDERFUL job in searching for help and information. I wish you were my mother. AMP

Your response is so heart warming, brought a tear (and then a few more) to my eyes. I really, really appreciate hearing from you and feel reassured that we're on the right track because of it. Warm thoughts and wishes, hon. Thanks, sincerely.

I have PTSD from younger abuse then later working in public service. For me the PTSD seemed to carry into my work causing it to come to light much sooner than the other people who have strictly work related PTSD.

Even being on post could be traumatic to your daughter, not only because of what you mentioned.,.its possible she can somehow hear the stories of her partners and somehow put herself there. I do that, it works good & bad..good because in being able to do that I can run myself through the scenario without actually being there.

Be there for her, send her care packages & encourage her to contact people here

Be there for her, send her care packages & encourage her to contact people here

That's a great idea! Thank you! I will share this forum with her as well. I'm looking forward to hearing from her.