I Hate You BPD

I hate crying every day and not understanding why.
I hate needing someone and wanting someone to never let me go.
I hate being so pathetic.
I hate being alone.
I hate that I made the only person I ever trusted hate me.
I hate that my life was such that I've only trusted one person.
I hate that my mom acted like she loved me and then abandoned me when I needed her.
I hate how that made me feel like I'm worth negative nothing and no one could ever care about me.
I hate that I'll never be sure if my friend cared because I know in my heart I shouldn't be loved.
I hate that the only thing I know is real is how truly digusting I am.
I hate the truth.
I hate that no matter how much progress I make, it just slips through my fingers like sand.
I hate that a therapist turned me away.
I hate that my insurance turned my idea down and sent a list of pills that failed before.
I hate that another place won't accept my insurance.
I hate that another place won't see me until October.
I hate to see people enjoy themselves, to see children play, to think that any one might happy.
I hate your stupid smile.
I hate when my parents ask why I won't tell them things. I was molested, you did nothing. That.
I hate how I don't who I am.
I hate when I really realize what that means.
I hate all my scars. So weak and pathetic.
I hate today.
I hate October 29, 1985.
I hate when I get on here and everyone wants to kill themselves. SHUT UP. ######6 get better.
I hate that I'm just like you.
I hate people younger than me.
I hate anyone who has ever felt loved.
I hate everyone who had a "normal" childhood.
I hate everyone who says there is no such thing as normal.
I hate you, God. You are such a ######6 asshole for not existing.
I hate my cousins for molesting me. You came in my mouth when I was five and I thought you peed.
I hate justice for not being a real thing.
I hate bad people who find Jesus.
I hate Jesus, because, no, YOU DO NOT LOVE ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN.
I hate my father for never once seeing me or calling me or anything. You could have saved me.
I hate that I'm going to feel fine later, but that Hell is always waiting for me.
I hate that I try to be a caring person, but I know I deserve everything bad that i got.
I hate hope.
I hate when I feel good and then instantly bad because I know the vast majority of life was $#%^.
I hate when I feel it's fair to think that I shouldn't marginalize normal people's normal problems.
I hate that everyone hates me. I know you do. I know you talk about me. Just tell me the truth.
I hate love.
I hate the heart.
I hate how weak I am. I was made to be broken. Pain is pleasure! Slavery is freedom!
I hate George Eliot. it's never too late to be what you might have been? I died before I was born.
I hate that I wanted to be molested again until I was about fourteen.
I hate that, as a child, I was attracted to other children.
I hate the new guy at work that no one likes, but he just wants to make friends. I only see me.
I hate me.
I hate my boss. You've done things outside of work with others. What's wrong with me?
I hate me.
I hate that I could just scream and cut and scream but the stars will only watch.
I hate the lack of meaning in the lack of meaning in the la.......in the lack of meaning in the world.

((((((hugs))))))

i hear how you feel.

i have found it hard to see people happy before, because it made me feel sad cause i couldn't be happy.
you are not weak or pathetic. your scars are just a map of the pain from the inside showing on the outside. our lives can leave scars on the inside and the outside too.
your insurance company are beaurocratic tw*ts. they are more concerned with red tape and the bottom line than helping you. their failure should never be a rejection of you, it just shows how inadequate they really are at helping you. - it is their failure, not yours.
we all hate when we see ourselves in other people - or sometimes the opposite, what we reject in ourselves. it can go both ways. sometimes we all want everyone to shut up and get better, stop rubbing it in our faces how we don't feel we can at times?
its easy to hate people for what we couldn't have, because sometimes there is nothing that can give those things that were lost, or that time that was lost back. sometimes we hate the people who had them instead of the people who took them away, cause somewhere deep down we are still waiting for them to give them back. we want to be un-abandoned, but now we have to leave that past behind cause we can only ever un-abandon ourselves.

wanting to be molested again was normal. it didn't make anything about what you thought and felt wrong, the wrong was the wrong done by your cousins. if children are sexually aware, they do feel attracted to other children, they are children too. All that and your cousins gave you those messages. Nothing about how you reacted was abnormal or wrong, and nothing about it was your fault.

i can understand wanting to marginalise "normal" problems when yours feel much bigger and more overwhelming. we can do things like hate them, and want to trivialise theirs, or we can trivialise ours and say we didn't need them. either way, no one can see or feel our pain. it is not that our problems are better that theirs but that they get trivialised and invalidated cause we don't have a way of communicating our pain. we have never been able to deal with it, so instead it has become something that controls us.

for anyone who has been through hell, sometimes we feel like we can't feel good, because we're too busy anticipating the bad - we're afraid that if we feel good it will get ruined like we feel everything else in our lives has been. so we don't let ourselves feel good or be happy. sometimes our past pain gets dragged through life with us and we live through it. sometimes we have to acknowledge all that pain, feel it as we should have done in the first place, and understand it is from the past before we can let it go.

You were not made to be broken. you may feel like you died before you were born, but you came into this world with the same right to love and happiness as anyone else. the people who took that happiness away were cruel and it was wrong.

I feel like the world has no meaning too. but you can come to terms with that and be at peace with it. the world can have no meaning, and still have meaning for you.

I used to want to scream too, but i didn't, cause the walls didn't listen. i didn't listen to the pain inside, there was nowhere to put it, nothing to do to make sense of it. but sometimes we have to listen.

You are heard now. ((((((hugs))))))

You do deserve to be loved.

I feel the exact f*cking way. It's like you wrote my feelings and thoughts down in a list. F*cking BPD, I wish I was never born. And I wish my cousin was never born, my mother cared for me and loved me, my father never went away. And I hate the fact that I will feel fine in a few hours, or tomorrow, but like you said - it's just waiting to haunt me again...

Know that you're never alone... ((Hugs))

Deleted.

Still figuring BPD out..its like there is another demention inside me that seemed normal to me, until one day something seemed strange and pushing the BPD away came back and slowly things are being figured out

You've summed it up perfectly. Thankyou. It made me cry.

Chaudement wrote: And I hate the fact that I will feel fine in a few hours, or tomorrow, but like you said - it's just waiting to haunt me again...

Never quite goes away...

You're definitely not alone. ((((Hugs))))

Well, I just took a 13 hour nap and I feel....amazing. I remembered what I typed on here just before I fell asleep and chuckled. I thought maybe I unleased Armageddon. Well, this is now my official bitching topic for sad $#%^ and #######4.

"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends." My favourite quote. I get so tired of all the deep, sentimental ones. I have plenty of gritty realism in my life, thanks.

Thanks for all responses. Sorry for all the misfortune. I'm going to find a hamburger.

Anyone else relate to my list?

I do!!! And since I've been scattered today, I'm not going to write a bunch of drivel and annoy everybody!!!

I LOVED your list! ROCK ON! I'd love to recite it at the courthouse square, but they would just put me in lockdown again. And that place sucks.

*Hugs* and fist bumps!!!

AMP

Asked someone at work to lunch on the phone. After a long pause, they declined. I feel like I did something bad. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I know I should leave everyone alone so they can be happy. It just confirmed that I'm a toxic mess and I have to avoid everyone so they can be happy. I dont want people to be unhappy like me. I know they fondly remember the day before they met me. I'm tired of fighting for a lost cause.

Z1t23ch3 wrote:Asked someone at work to lunch on the phone. After a long pause, they declined. I feel like I did something bad. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I know I should leave everyone alone so they can be happy. It just confirmed that I'm a toxic mess and I have to avoid everyone so they can be happy. I dont want people to be unhappy like me. I know they fondly remember the day before they met me. I'm tired of fighting for a lost cause.

BPD F*(@ Off! LOL I feel the same sometimes, those feelings or atleast feeling wholeheartedly that way doesnt last long for me. There is always a little bit of it there, been there for so long and this has gone of for so long..I just deal, normally by a sigh, slight depression maybe a few mns or whatever then I go on