Will it ever be possible

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping that I can get some support here because I don't really have any in my life other than therapy. Yet that is twice a month and I need understanding a lot more than that nowadays.

I was diagnosed with BPD about 5 years ago when I was married. My marraige basically ended due to my unstable crazy behavior. Don't get me wrong he had fault as well yet at the time I was so messed up neither of us knew how or what to do about our problems. I'm thankful for what my marraige/divorce has brought to my attention. Which is BPD.

Yet here I sit 4 years later and for the first time since my diagnosis; I'm in a relationship and I feel as if my life is spinning out of control once again. In the past four years I have lived in a controlled bubble. Lived very limited, didn't let many people in and if I did have any type of "relationship" it was emotionaless and detached on purpose, on my end. So I've stepped out side my bubble and I've lost the controlled living I was in. I'm right back to crazy emotions, lashing out on others, explosive temper just because I can't find my brush. Crying one moment, fine the next. The person I'm in a relationship with has no idea of my BPD and we are not at a point I can express this. What I have learned in the my many years of therapy is how to control and own my emotions...yet I'm only controlling it with him, not with my children and other people in my life (not that I have many). I'm scared and I'm beginning to think I need to end the relationship. My therapist feels that because i'm aware of my behaviors and I'm being realistic I should continue but she is not in my head. I'm going crazy. I've had urges to cut (I have not though and haven't in 4 years), I'm spending money out of control again, regular every chores are put on the back burner, I hide in a pit of darkness if I don't hear from my boyfriend in 3 hours. He never sees this yet others in my life do. It's beyond reasonable. Will I ever be able to have a relationship???? How do I function....How do I cope...I don't want to let the BPD control the rest of my life and I know I'm aware of my behaviors and I am doing much better than I was 4 years but I'm scared to death I will go back to where I was. Is there hope???

I've had pretty much the same experience you have described. As much as I want/enjoy relationships, I think they are probably the major risk factor for kicking me off into a bad patch. It isn't always the relationship that suffers (initially) but other parts of my life because of the amount of energy expended mentally dealing with things that come up because of it and keeping emotions about those things in control. The relationship is a new and important so I try really hard to protect if from fallout for as long as possible. This usually works until the other person does something that isn't so great, the kind of thing that would make regular folks go, "hey what did you do that for?" but for me, it's a realy big deal because I'm secretly so stressed by it all and now I have an actual complaint that I can legitimately complain about. So it all just explodes into the relationship arena at last. All this aside, I think there is hope. You are aware of the challenges you have with realtionships now and I think that probably is helping to some degree, even if it still feels stressful. Remember to give yourself some credit for making improvements in a difficult area for you. I did a little therapy recently and found one of the most useful bits of information to come out of it for me was the idea that interest is an emotion. I've been using it a distraction when I'm feeling emotions that threaten to cause trouble. My big thing is history. I find having something I'm reading or writing (for courses) that I'm genuinely excited about sometimes keeps me grounded when I start feeling like everything is dreadful. I've not had the opportunity to try this out in the context of a new relationship yet (that will be the true test), but it's been helpful in other situations that can overwhelm me with negative emotions (social events which don't go well, jobs that I feel simultaneously too good for and not good enough at, family conflicts).

This is exactly what happened with me in that BPD hadn't even occurred to me until I was married, and even then, not until 7 years in. If we hadn't stayed together for as long as we did, it would have never crossed my mind.

It's pretty goddamn funny, really. For 7 years occasionally the topic of my borderline mom and all the evils her borderline caused would pop up, and on occasion she'd bring up one of a few BPD friends from the past (all women .. apparently only one was 'sweet', her 'exception' BPD friend, it seemed).

I'm the one who spat out the possibility to her one night. She'd been complaining constantly about why I can't do such and such, and why I do such and such and that even my depression can't account for it (she'd say) then one night after having done a lot of reading I say "I think I have BPD!",.. I wish I had a picture of her face. Something along the lines of: +

Well, she quickly grew to think so herself. She wasn't interested in being supportive about it, either, but whatev.

My situation was the same also in that she was far from perfect herself, and had her own share of issues -- they simply don't have a label. She isn't a very nice person, really...

Like you, many of my destruction symptoms began to chill out a bit after my ex and I separated. I don't really care though ... I know I need time to myself for a while but I know I'll fling myself right into another relationship when the opportunity presents itself and I wont be stopping myself, either. Life is too short, I'm not getting any younger, and I'm never one to let an opportunity go past.