Whats going on? really scared

I think I've just gone about 10 points up on my borderline scale lately. I don't even know what this is anymore, it's so scary.I feel very, very confused lately. I have problems expressing my thoughts, things I say are regarded by people as 'out of place', I feel like I can't have a normal conversation anymore. I used to be able to express my thoughts perfectly well and as the condition developed, it's just gotten harder and harder. I'm reckless now, hugely emotional, scared- normal everyday tasks are taking me very long to complete. Its so scary. Has anyone had this? Is this just a bad period (I have lots of changes coming along soon- I've never been at all scared of changes before!) or could this be something more serious? Are language problems a part of bpd?

I get this a lot when I am in a bad BPD phase.

For me, "bad BPD" manifests as psychosis and quasi-mania. Not that I am saying this is what you are experiencing, but it sounds somewhat similar. I lose the ability to speak -- my words are clumsy, loose, they seem disjointed to others, and to myself. I say things out of place, and at the wrong times.

Have you read about quasi psychosis/mania in BPD before? If you are able to, if you are in a calm enough state, try to do some Googling about it, and see what you think. You say you have a lot of changes coming up -- sounds like the perfect pickings for huge spikes of anxiety, which is the root cause of BPD mania/psychosis.

BPD mania/psychosis? That sounds like bipolar to me, not bpd.

Edit: Why is there so much discussion of Bipolar Disorder problems in the BPD forum? This doesn't make sense unless you guys are also bipolar.

I would say you're experiencing something like I get when there are a lot of changes coming up. I get stressed and start feeling 'odd' and it seems like there's no reason for it at all....it's only afterwards that I think "well, it was because x, y and z were happening".

Like this week - I had loose plans that I would be spending a lot of time with a new partner....except I dumped him last week and now I have no plans and am feeling rather weird and dysphoric (that's the technical term for it). It's not a big thing - but there are contributing factors that are making it pretty unbearable this morning - like the fact my dad & step-mum are away on holiday for 2 weeks, and my exhubby is taking the kids on holiday this week too....if I were 'well' then it wouldn't necessarily bother me, but it's also raining and dull, I have nothing to do with my time, and nobody to talk to......all combining to make me feel like staying in bed for the next 3 days until the kids get back.

So - I reckon that's what's happening with you. There are changes coming up, and if there are other stressors in your life then you've reached a point that's triggered the dysphoria we all love so much (irony...heavy irony). I wouldn't say it's mania - just that you have so much going through your mind that it can't cope with everything and your speech is being affected as a result. I know when I'm put under stress, I mess up my words, can't think of a word (even really simple ones) and generally feel totally incompetent. Which then doesn't help because it lowers my mood down another notch.

What I would do is make a list of all the things you've go going on at the moment, all the changes coming up. Maybe change doesn't normally upset you, but it never used to upset me quite so much either - when I was about 98% well. Now I'm running at abou 65% well and the least little thing can bother me.

Possibly you need to go to your doctor and see about jigging around your medication to help get you through this distressing time, or if you've done any DBT then take a look at your distress tolerance skills and see if you can use any of them to help you out. The most important thiing is to try and give yourself a break. Accept that you've gone back a couple of steps (which happens with BPD), give yourself some time to be kind to yourself and try to reduce the stressors as much as you can. Good luck