Faking Pattern? HELP!

So lately I have been noticing a extremely un-healthy dating pattern I seem to have which goes like this:

Someone likes me, I tell myself I like them, I will say anything and do anything for them to like me. (It's so fake)

We start dating about 6 months into dating it starts wearing off. I all of a sudden hate them
( Because I know they will stay maybe?)

I start treating them like crap, we fight all the time, than the try to leave I beg them to stay, they don't want to. So they end up leaving.

I have never dumped anyone, I always get left or dumped.

Does anyone else know this pattern? Why maybe they do it?

I think what happens goes a bit like this:

Someone likes you: because of the low self-esteem that tends to go along with BPD we think "WOW - someone likes me. That doesn't happen often. I must like them back". Even if there is nothing about them that we would naturally like, we make up reasons because we long for someone to like us, care for us and ultimately love us and accept us for who we are. Due to the lack of self that is a big part of BPD, it's easier for us to go along with whatever they like or want to do, even if there is a small voice in our brain telling us that somthing's not quite right. We ignore the little voice because "SOMEONE LIKES ME".

Then - eventually our rational mind catches up and the little voice has become a massive shouting "HELLO!!". This can take any length of time - for you it's around 6 months, for me it was 2 weeks. We realise that we have even LESS of a sense of self than we did before, and that p&sses us off. All the little things they do that we don't like suddenly become obvious and the black/white switch suddenly flips on us. All the things we put up with "BECAUSE THEY LIKE ME" suddenly become horrible things that make our skin crawl when we think about them. So we push them away because they are making us feel horrible, but at the same time we are clinging to them because what if they're the only person who will ever like us, even a little bit? It then becomes a complete emotional melt-down as our emotional and rational minds do battle. In my case, my rational brain won and I dumped him. In your case, your emotional brain keeps winning and you end up being the dumped.

Does that make sense? In terms of how to make a relationship work, it's cutting out the cr&p at the start....which maybe means taking a long break from dating to discover exactly who YOU are. Work out what YOU like doing with your weekends, what YOUR favourite restaurant is, what YOUR favourite kind of films/music/books are.....until you feel happy and bout 90% confident of being YOU. I don't think we'll ever get to 100%.

THEN you can see what happens. But always keep asking yourself if you're doing something YOU like doing, or doing something you thiink THEY want you to do. If they like classical music and you're more of a punk person, then don't pretend otherwise. It's hard - because the over-riding thought at the start of a relationship is "they like me and I have to be the kind of person they like for this to work". When you can find someone who likes you for being you, and sticking to being you, then you're onto a keeper and things hopefully won't get to the rational/emotional warfare stage.

Thank you so much for your response Isoko.

I agree with what you say. So how does this process go for you than?

isoko49 wrote:I think what happens goes a bit like this:

Someone likes you: because of the low self-esteem that tends to go along with BPD we think "WOW - someone likes me. That doesn't happen often. I must like them back". Even if there is nothing about them that we would naturally like, we make up reasons because we long for someone to like us, care for us and ultimately love us and accept us for who we are. Due to the lack of self that is a big part of BPD, it's easier for us to go along with whatever they like or want to do, even if there is a small voice in our brain telling us that somthing's not quite right. We ignore the little voice because "SOMEONE LIKES ME".

Then - eventually our rational mind catches up and the little voice has become a massive shouting "HELLO!!". This can take any length of time - for you it's around 6 months, for me it was 2 weeks. We realise that we have even LESS of a sense of self than we did before, and that p&sses us off. All the little things they do that we don't like suddenly become obvious and the black/white switch suddenly flips on us. All the things we put up with "BECAUSE THEY LIKE ME" suddenly become horrible things that make our skin crawl when we think about them. So we push them away because they are making us feel horrible, but at the same time we are clinging to them because what if they're the only person who will ever like us, even a little bit? It then becomes a complete emotional melt-down as our emotional and rational minds do battle. In my case, my rational brain won and I dumped him. In your case, your emotional brain keeps winning and you end up being the dumped.

Does that make sense? In terms of how to make a relationship work, it's cutting out the cr&p at the start....which maybe means taking a long break from dating to discover exactly who YOU are. Work out what YOU like doing with your weekends, what YOUR favourite restaurant is, what YOUR favourite kind of films/music/books are.....until you feel happy and bout 90% confident of being YOU. I don't think we'll ever get to 100%.

THEN you can see what happens. But always keep asking yourself if you're doing something YOU like doing, or doing something you thiink THEY want you to do. If they like classical music and you're more of a punk person, then don't pretend otherwise. It's hard - because the over-riding thought at the start of a relationship is "they like me and I have to be the kind of person they like for this to work". When you can find someone who likes you for being you, and sticking to being you, then you're onto a keeper and things hopefully won't get to the rational/emotional warfare stage.

That was very insightful. Thanks.

I agree with what you say. So how does this process go for you than?

Badly......

I don't have a great deal of relationship experience but I have worked out quite a lot from this last 2 week relationship that I am VERY glad to have got out of! Partly it's because I understand that I have 2 minds - an emotional one that tends to drive my behaviour a LOT of the time, and a rational mind that gets shoved aside whenever emotions come into the picture. I have learnt over the last week that I MUST listen to the rational mind because generally it's the one that makes the most sense. I have spent so long doubting my reactions to things that I didn't listen to it when I should have.

Looking into the dim and distant past (before I met my now ex hubby), I had pattern with guys. When I went on nights out on the town with my best pal at school (who I no longer even speak to, even on FB), I would end up snogging etc with basically ANY guy who stopped to smile at me or talk to me. Didn't matter WHAT they looked like - if they were interested then so was I. Fairly typical for that age (17/18) but I firmly believe that's my low self-esteem that goes along with my BPD. The 2 guys i slept with before Mr-ex isoko - I only fancied them because they made it clear they fancied me. I went along with what they wanted to do, even though I wasn't so sure myself. I was having totally unprotected sex because I didn't feel I could say "only if you've got something".... I am so lucky I didn't pick up something unsavoury!

But when I met Mr ex-isoko, we were friends first. We spent 3 months getting to know each other, going to the same music group, catching the bus home together because neither of us really drank, sitting together in class.....I did get all freaky with him one night and cried for hours. He admitted many years later that he nearly grabbed his clothes and left, but he stuck it out and that really helped because he accepted me. We did break up briefly for 3 months at one point - I still went round to visit him when I got stressed about things and we still saw each other at rehearsals. It helped me realise that he was a separate person from me with his own interests. After that, he realised that we were meant to be together and that was that for 12 years until I tried to kill myself one too many times. I still find I want to talk to him about anything and everything because I feel like he's the one person who really knows me and I trust his advice.

Anyway - in future I am going to pay closer attention to my rational mind and think very carefully about any relationship to make sure it's what I really, truly want for myself. And I will make sure I end up with someone who validates me - this guy last week said he did but thinking about it, he never listened to me when I was talking about something, he was always going on about something similar that had happened to him, or HIS favourite music or the like. He talked all the way through a DVD I liked and he kept trying to organise my life for me - saying things like "you don't need to know how to cook, I can do that; you don't need to worry about parking the car at mine, I can do that for you; when I get my picture framing business running, I can teach you how to do some stuff so you can just help out when you feel like it".....all nice things to hear and looks good on paper.....but I want to run my own life. Maybe that's just me after having had my life run for me in hospital for so long.....but that's the new me and if anyone wants to share my life with me, they'll have to do just that - share MY life with ME!

Readin this post has come at a good time for me.i have currently got myself into a situation that is really confusing me and stressing me out. Just over a week ago I asked my ex to marry me.weve been split up for 6 months and he now has a new girlfriend which he admitingly says he first got together with tryin to get over me.i split with him twice whilst together coz I didnt know if I wantd 2 be with him or anyone in general.we have been talking a lot lately on the phone,it sometimes feels like he the only one who is tryin to undertand BPD. i know how much he loves me and my son but understandably he needs to think this threw after me splitting with him before.i want it to work so much,but there a big scared worried part of me hoping he will say no.i want to love him more than anything but I no im not capable of constantly bein able to do that. Am I being unfair to him? To me? To my son? He an amazing guy but my intimacy issues cause me a lot of problems.i no that no matter who I am with it causes me problems thats why I try to avoid meeting guys.i jst wish I new that if I could sort out there intimacy issues I would feel what I should feel for him.oh im so confused,i wish I new if I had done the right thing.i guess I should go with whatever he decides.x

-- Mon Jul 04, 2011 11:38 pm --

Isoko,i completly agree with the rational and emotional mind.it so hard knowing which one is which half the time and trying to work out what is right.one minute I listen to the one mind,the next hour I go bck to the other...it so flipping annoying.x

(((hugs)))0...it's a toughie isn't it?t

If my ex hubby turned around and said he wanted to try again with me then I would be back like a shot because I know we CAN make things work for a large portion of the time. But even then I had intimacy issues, which is just a big pain in the a%%. I've just been reading a novel that's based around a kid with high-functioning Asperger's and I'll swear it's just got to be related to BPD in some way.....the way we think and feel about intimacy and social situations is just so similar at times.

If I do end up in a relationship again, the guy is going to have to understand 100% what life can be like to be prepared for all the times I will be literally clinging to the other side of the bed ready to snap if he so much as breathes on me.....yet I will cling to him ferociously before he leaves for work the next morning.....

Anyway - the situation with your ex is a difficult one and you are going to have to leave the ball in his court. the problem is that you can't promise you won't split on him again because none of us can say we won't do it as it's built in to our brains and is most often out of our control for at least a brief period of time. However, if you both understand more now about WHY it's happening then maybe it will be easier for him to handle and for you to control. I'm not saying you can stop it happening, but you can maybe recognise that you've done it and apologise.

Ye I was hoping he would see it like that,bt he seems 2 b completly ignoring my texts and calls. I no how it will be a massive decision for him 2 make but at the same time I asked him over a week and think hes being a bit unfair completly ignoring me,its like hes trying 2 make me feel bad 4 the first time ever telling him I love him.i took the decision out of his hands 2day and told him id save him the hastle of telling me no. That must be what he wants as otherwise he would want 2 talk properly. And its probably the right thing all round,i would probably hurt him in the end...and most importantly my son.i would rather him grow up around no arguin,and knowing me thats what I would do and more than anything I dont want my son 2 grow up like that.maybe it just best this way all round.x

I'm glad you guys can relate!

isoko49 wrote:Anyway - in future I am going to pay closer attention to my rational mind and think very carefully about any relationship to make sure it's what I really, truly want for myself. And I will make sure I end up with someone who validates me - this guy last week said he did but thinking about it, he never listened to me when I was talking about something, he was always going on about something similar that had happened to him, or HIS favourite music or the like. He talked all the way through a DVD I liked and he kept trying to organise my life for me - saying things like "you don't need to know how to cook, I can do that; you don't need to worry about parking the car at mine, I can do that for you; when I get my picture framing business running, I can teach you how to do some stuff so you can just help out when you feel like it".....all nice things to hear and looks good on paper.....but I want to run my own life. Maybe that's just me after having had my life run for me in hospital for so long.....but that's the new me and if anyone wants to share my life with me, they'll have to do just that - share MY life with ME!

that plan sounds pretty good!

Needadiagnosis, that sounds really hard situation to be in, if he has another girlfriend, did he even give you some sort of feedback? i imagine it would be hard choice cause he'd have to end that relationship too, but it sounds like he owes you more of a response than ignoring you.

Crimson, I did it too - with that ex i kept talking about - he kept me at a distance so that 6 month thing never happened, but i can understand how that could, cause thinking back on it now i wouldn't be interested in him if he asked me out nowadays, but i sort of "became" someone he was interested. last time i saw him i just thought - you really don't know me, i'm really not who you think i am, and not in a way that reflects badly on anyone, just that we are so different as people, and not in an opposites attract way! lol

i think i would have done it more times if i'd done the relationship thing more times, but cause i reacted to that by not wanting to have relationships it didn't come up in exactly the same way. but i think i can understand. i've been doing a lot of finding myself too - the biggest bit is accepting that there is a lot you just don't know, and that you don't have to decide on everything right now, just give yourself a chance to do that without feeling you have to "be anyone" for anyone else. for someone single, not dating might be helpful, and for someone in a relationship, it means making sure both you and your partner understand you need to have the space to learn to be you.

either way i think so much of it comes down to progress in therapy cause at least from what ive found, i think it turns out sense of self doesn't actually come down to knowing exactly who you are in every way, it is a little more about not having to look in exactly the same way. you don't stop wanting to know at all, there is just

I agree with Isoko with the figuring out what you like being a good idea.

At the same time, I think there is no such thing as 100% - you don't even need to know what you like 100% - what the problem is with that stuff, is being able to feel secure enough in yourself not to need to pretend - to want to connect one person to another more than needing to be with someone (attachment/abandonment) and doing oh, they like me > sudden attachment. you don't need to know everything about yourself to love another person, but you do need a "sense of self".
...and it turns out a sense of self isn't really knowing who you are through all the things borderlines keep chopping & changing to try to find it, it turns out its emotional security in knowing "the real you" even if you are unsure of the things you actually like...

cause when you have emotional security of self and and you don't know what you like, you say something more along the lines of "i dont know!".