fed up

just needed to rant, im so fed up with all this.......

i just met a girl i realy like, and my head is so fked up what i cant seem to see any future

i mean she realy likes me and i realy like her, her family is great, and she has saved my life since my breakdow, i met her at a time were i didnt know anything about my self, were i was fully depersonalized and so so messed up its unreal, she herd my crys and came and hugged me and took me out to meet her family, since then i have been getting abit better day by day, but im still verry ill.

but last night the old patterns started to come back, the lonely ness, the need to push away for self protection of getting hurt and or wanting some sort of confermation of her feelings for me.

i didnt do anything, i just sat in scilence about it but it was there.

shes so nice, i dont want to hurt her, or mess her up.
im currently at the point were my head pownds all day (due to the breakdown) i have to rest at 5pm every day because my head is overloaded with weerdness, stress and if i worry that im going to do somthing i get a mental image of it, and that scares me so i lock up.

we have the same wants and dreams to a huge extent, but how can i forfill them wen im like this.

i understand grey and that is what gets me through without doing anything, but it still doesnt stop me being ill, and not being able to see my self giving her what she may need.

she sead to me last night, that she has seen me at my worst and eaven if i was ill for the rest of my days she wouldnt care, i sead that it was so lovely to hear but there are no apsolutes in this life and lets just see how we go.
i guess that is pesiminsm and protection for me, but there is also the understanding that there realy are no apsolutes, things change people change.
but sudenly i feel that sadness indide, i havent felt that in a long time eaven with all the pain ect, i think i miss her but its like a well of hurt from the past.
i guess it will pass. i just hope my head gets better so i can go forward.

edit, on the upnote, i have a girlfreind that i realy like whos family i realy like who shares the same dreams.
i am happy and greatfull for this eaven in my current state.

What exactly are you ###$ up about?

Albert,.. sorry but let me get this straight: You've found a woman you like who not only likes you but is aware of your difficulties and seems more than willing to support you with them, and on top of that her family likes you.

So,.. what the hell is the problem?!

i just dont know how im going to be able to do anything outher than break down every day, i mean how can i forfill what i want to do and know she also does with all this physical pain and confusion.
i get about 2 hours a day were i am sortov ok and then then it all starts again.

i just want to be able to sleep get up grouchy go to work, swere at somone if i want to and the come home and eat. but right now i get up, feel like i havent slept then my head hurts so bad then i have to sleep but i cant then i go out and mabe get 2 hours were i can hold a convosation and then come home and break down because of all the stress and head pain again, and to top it all there is no stress...

then go to bed and sleep 8 hours but never feel like i have slept and t just adds to it. and trying to hold up a relationship at the same time is so tough yet without it i dont know were i would be right now.

aggghhh!


sorry its just all too much right now and all i did was walk up the road. i mean its not outher people that get to me, its the fact that i simply cant stop thinking and the anxiety of the past and then i feel ill.

might be easier if it was outher people but its purly my head that scares me, nothing else...