And another one bites the dust.....

...well, that relationship lasted all of 2 weeks.... And it is me left feeling like a complete heel because it was me that dumped him.

I was more in love with the idea of a relationship than with him. He was very intense, saying things like "I'm in this for the long haul", taking me to visit his parents etc. Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely lovely guy.....but.......

I felt like I "should" be falling in love with him too, and I wasn't. Just because we had lots in common and could talk for ages on our first 2 dates - doesn't make a relationship. Because we met on a dating website and because we got on, I felt like I 'should' be making it into romance....but at the end of the day my screwed up brain screwed it up. I wasn't deliberately leading him on and I very deliberately didn't say things like "I can see us together in years to come" or the like, but I did go along with what he was saying. I even told my ex yesterday that I was going to tell the girls about him today! But after spending all yesterday together (I'd already asked him to stay over ) I ended up realising it was a HUGE mistake and spent the night with my back to him and I got up this morning as quick as i could and ended up texting my ex and my psychologist for advice.

He still wants to be friends but I can't see myself managing even that. The black/white switch has been flipped and even thnking about him makes my skin rting....mostly shame at myself for hurting him. But 2 weeks is a bit too soon to be saying "I love you" and "when we move in together".....bleah.....I don't think BPD and relationships work.....

That's nice, but what are you complaining about what? You ditched some guy you knew for a few weeks and it was your decision. What does this have to do with BPD?

Hi Isoko

Sorry it didn't work out for you. Hey, I think it was pretty brave to meet up with someone and give it a go- I can't even get that far.

Are you ok?

I understand your discomfort and your guilt. It's incredibly awkward to end a relationship - even one that's still in the early stages. However, I think you should give yourself credit for giving a new relationship a chance. I also think you should trust and respect your instincts. You didn't lead him on, you didn't sabotage the relationship, and you didn't go out of your way to be accepted.

You knew this person for two weeks; you noticed some red flags and decided that it wasn't going to work. Sure, it feels crummy to break up with someone and possibly hurt their feelings. But I think you did a good job of observing/describing the situation and doing what was best. I don't think this was so much a BPD thing. I think this was more of a typical "relationships are confusing and sometimes we're not sure what we want" thing.

I think a lot of people would have felt the same way in your position - the guy seemed nice on the surface, you got along, but something.... something was off. He moved too quickly too soon and that's a red flag. That kind of situation is a lot less obvious; it makes it harder to make decision or see things clearly.

It's okay to feel bummed, but don't feel bad about how you handled this. No one messed up here. No one failed. It just wasn't a good match. I think you did great. You totally deserve a hot fudge sundae for this. If you don't want one, I will have one in your honor.

He was an asshole anyway

No, really, I'm glad you didn't settle for guy A. Shows security.

If you were not feeling chemistry for this guy, then I think you did the right thing by letting him go.

However, I do think you should always ask yourself whether or not you sabotage when starting relationships?

I just ended a 2 month relationship with a guy who had an avoidant attachment style so I know I was both smart and right to get rid of him.

However, there have been other guys I have ditched or driven off by unconsciously sabotaging the relationship via splitting, distancing, etc.

So, just try to be aware and always make sure that it's not the BPD creeping in to ruin a chance at a good relationship.

I feel totally rotten and horrible....

I know I've done the right thing, but my brain is a complete mess and I don't know if I've done it for the right reasons or if I have sabotaged something that could have been great. I don't think so - I just don't know.....that's what pisses me off and has me upset.

I'm getting stroppy with the kids and can't even explain to them why. the problem I'm having is that on paper this guy was one in a million - he accepted my condition but didn't necessarily understand it. His mum suffers from depression and i think he thought it would be just like that - tell me often enought that I'm the woman of his dreams, that I'm gorgeous and sexy and wonderful, that he'll never leave me, etc etc....I felt completely suffocated. Yet on paper that's what I want from someone.....but in my head it's sheer hell! In a way he was too caring, too much wanting to just please me and make me feel good. Watching a DVD - he couldn't be pushed to make any choice. Same with lunch, same with dinner. I forced him to pick wine (and then he picked one I didn't like).....even this morning he's still messaged me on FB to say he got home OK and was going out with his mum & dad (even though he didn't feel like it) and we'd always be friends. I do have to meet him sometime to collect a picture from him (he offered to frame a tapestry for me - his dad has all the mounts and frames etc) and return books (his mum lent me one and I lent them some books on BPD). I just get the impression he's going to think that if I have some space I'll change my mind but I know I won't - and I know I won't be able to be just friends with him because every time I see him I will remember how i led him on and dumped him and basically treated him like sh&t.

Is this what's going to happen for the rest of my life? Why the hell can't I just be normal and be able to handle things when they get the least bit emotional? I ended up falling asleep wanting to beat my head off a wall or self-harm....and I can't even work out why I should feel that way because I know I've made the right choice....why should this be making me suicidal? I just can't handle this feeling of knowing I can't even manage a relationship with a guy who onn paper is the most perfect caring guy in the world....if I were asked to describe my ideal partner, most of the things would describe him - so why did I feel so utterly horrible?

And ajrocker - That's why this is about BPD....what a bloody stupid comment to leave.

Isoko,

I feel the same way. I am very bad at handling the end of relationships, even when I am the one who initiated the breakup. This most recent one has me feeling very anxious, angry and with thoughts of self-harming too.

One thing that strikes me about this story is how STRONG this guy was coming on to you. That would be a red flag for me. I think you definitely made the right decision by breaking it off.

Typically, love/intimacy avoidant people come on really, really strong, idealize you and then within a certain time frame completely devalue you (it's very similar to BPD). It sounds like this guy may have that issue?

I would also say he's lacking proper boundaries if, within two weeks, you have told him about your disorder and he is already swearing life-commitment to you. Not that we Borderlines aren't lovable, but I think it is very odd that he isn't showing any concern at all and is plunging in head first anyway despite your warnings. Borderlines tend to attract people with poor boundaries who are initially drawn to Borderlines' vulnerability. But they rarely stick around for the long haul.

Again, I think you made the right decision from the sound of it.

I agree with Cat Eyes. You only knew this person for two weeks and he was already making declarations of love, long-term commitment and moving in together. I understand the excitement and butterflies that come with a new relationship, but these are red flags in anyone’s book. You can’t really know someone in two weeks, much less two months.

It sounds like this ordeal has really rocked your confidence. It’s not uncommon for things to look much better on paper than they do in reality. Think of any romantic story or movie. It sounds exciting and wonderful in the confines of a story, but in reality most romantic clichés would be inconvenient, exhausting, impractical and a big pain in the butt. (That means you Twilight.)

In the words of Dan Savage, every relationship ends until one that doesn’t. Just because this relationship ended doesn’t mean it was a failure. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’re doomed to never be happy. If anything it was a good learning experience. You now know that what sounds good on paper – isn’t that great in practice. Part of getting yourself out there and dating means learning what works for us and what doesn’t. This is just part of that process.

I’m sorry you feel horrible. I don’t think your decision to end this relationship was a mistake or reflects badly on you. I hope you can give yourself the credit you deserve.

I hear you. I had another one bite the dust last night. Also only a few weeks long, but unfortunately, I was on the other side in this one, which is rare. I'm usually the one playing it safe and not really falling for the guy. But this one I fell too hard and too quick and he apparently had other ideas. I got misled and then when some of my BPD influence emerged during the split, he thanked god he saw it now.

Thanks for the support jerk. We all have baggage.

And I really liked him too.

Can BPD's ever manage to date and form relationships successfully?