Scared. (reads like gobbledegook lol)

Something happened to my dissociative disorder, which i think is good. But i also feel like its made my BPDish issues worse. I cant control those emotions or just watch them go past cause they're not outside of me any more they're inside of me. I'm posting this in the BPD forum not the DID one cause this is about where i am now not what made things different before.

I've been beginning to panic about it a bit cause ive noticed myself acting/thinking WORSE which is predictable cause some of the issues i had dissociated were pretty bad and some parts of me were very typical BPD, just trying to think deep breaths, I will learn how to cope with this, - and if i don't i know where i can get DBT without a wait (but it would cost me an arm and a leg.)

I've figured out why i could control myself better than made any sense (dissociation) the change is not a bad thing, i like it, i feel more real, my emotions feel "right" again, but I'm afraid i'm going to end up acting as erratically as i used to, of course i shouldn't ive dealt with so many of the issues i've had this is just learning now, right?!!?

i'm trying so hard to stay calm its not working very well

whatever you do please don't tell me its normal to feel this way and it wont get better even if u feel that way too cause i dont think that's what i need to hear right now

ok... all wrong way round: facts emotion is supposed to respond to those, i am sitting in a room with a laptop, its nice outside, i have no reason to feel like this. i can't believe reading a post that was nothing to do with me and just reminded me of something that made me unhappy triggered me like this, no wonder ive felt up & down & all over the place if this has been whats going on inside my head!!!

"dissociating your emotions means dissociating your BPD" ???

ok. plus point its all inside me now, i can deal with this. i can change this. its just shock, this is my feelings & thought patterns now, i can change it.

i wrote that a few mins ago. i feel a bit calmer now. now i'm annoyed at myself.

Plus side: I KNOW how to be emotionally stable, cognitively. Parts of me were very emotionally stable before. I just need to retrain my own feelings, not let them control me, right ?

I know this post is garbled nonsense, someone please tell me to shut up.