Bpd - rant

Bpd - why do you do this to me?

You make me feel loney and empty inside,
You make me want to just run away and hide.
I hate you so much, but i hate myself more,
You make me feel so sad to the core.
You let me get close then make me push them away,
This is not a game and i dont want to play
You confuse me and make me hurt inside
Then take me from realty and make me hide,
Please leave me alone and just go away,
I dont want you to control me for another day.


Sorry, just feeling crap so thought i would just write........

What happened to reality?
Existing not living.
Who am I?
Ask me whats wrong,
I want to tell you,
But i cant talk,
You will think i am crazy,
I am screaming inside,
I need help,
But i cant ask you,
When i say im fine - im lieing!
I cry alone
So no one can see.....
Please dont give up on me
I am in there somewhere
Just lost inside me.

I really relate to those especially the second one, i feel like i have been there so much too. Please try to hate the BPD and not you! You don't deserve to be hated and no one here will give up on you. You don't need to apologise, writing is what this forum is for or it would be very empty! if it helps, keep writing. (((hugs)))

Nutter wrote:You make me feel loney and empty inside,
You make me want to just run away and hide.
I hate you so much, but i hate myself more,
You make me feel so sad to the core.
You let me get close then make me push them away,
This is not a game and i dont want to play
You confuse me and make me hurt inside
Then take me from realty and make me hide,
Please leave me alone and just go away,
I dont want you to control me for another day.

This is how i feel alot of the time..... Sick of letting it control my life and my relationships with people, and of all the pain building up in me about the smallest things.

Hi, I'm a non Borderline.. but my partner of 3 years is BPD. I've just come here to post that he did one of his worst BPD rage/rants tonight I've ever experienced.. and yes today in particular we had been the happiest for ages. He has problems with boundaries and social skills ( I think he is Aspergers too - lucky me ) the thing is.. tonight he gave away a present I gave him out of pure love, I sent it a few weeks ago.. In his drunken/sleeping pill state.. he gave it to a neighbour for their kids.. but over this week he has obviously been in a terrible anxiety about what he has done (which in the grander scheme of things isn't important..) His rant was based on pure guilt.. even after the initial shock.. he relentlessly over and over accused me of being a bitch just because I said.. Oh no why did you do that.. why didn't you give something else away.. but after a couple of minutes I adjusted like any average person and accepted.. that is what he does.. however he spent the next 30 minutes in the most verball and emotionally abusive rage I've ever experienced.. it's like his guilt was so consuming he'd just lost it.. This fear of being rejected came up this time.. he said so will this end the relationship.. can you imagine.. a relationship being ended because one person gave a novelty phone away.. I said to him that cheapens our relationship slightly hon lol but this rant was ceaseless.. mocking.. abusive and clearly.. it was not about me but the need to get guilt out of his system and scream in a fashion that was often supressed in childhood I feel by his dominant family members.. Sorry to post but my BPD SO really believes he has been slighted and it's so sad.. I was literally encouraging him to calm down and not panic.. I said everything is OK.. but this was prolonged and tourettes ridden.. They say BPD eventually burns itself out.. he gets very nasty when he drinks.. but he usually drinks to numb things.. He basically puts all his guilt onto the person concerned and has learnt to rant to not hear people to win whatever he thinks he is winning.. but I seriously just want to calm him.. it's very sad because I know when he has calmed down he will be fine.. but when he is raging he does stupid things.. that he will regret.. this is the bit that worries me.. Unfortunately for the non BPD partner.. it takes quite a few days and weeks to forget the trauma of being so verbally abused by a loved one.. which in turn makes me sad.. Anyway.. maybe I'd just like to speak to BPD people who are in their calm phase at the moment.. I can't believe he thought I'd dump him because he gave away my present. What I've finally learnt is not to buy him anything any more.. or maybe not buy him anything over £5. He has been arguing with his dad today.. When he has been in his dads house for 2 months he has by then built things up to demonise that person.. then comes to me for 2 months then demonises me.. running back and forth.. he has come far but he needs deep deep therapy.. so at the moment.. he is demonising me and his dad at the same time.. he was in a good mood this afternoon.. but the slightest thing can set him off.. I don't really know what I'm seeking.. maybe just hanging out with BPD people who are seeking recovery.. as mine STILL has not even taken his first course of CBT at nearly 31.. x

I wanted to reply to this thread before and say I like the poetry and really relate to the second one especially, but i think i pressed the wrong button!! lol

Hi Amazonia,



If it helps, I would say he felt you were going to leave him because there was an argument of some sort he was afraid there was a risk you could leave him, so in his eyes it all gets blown up into the idea you WILL leave him, even though you really won't... i am so sorry you're both going through this, i can understand how hard this is for both sides. im more a panicker than a rager when it comes to abandonment, i used to have a big problem "not letting things go" until i knew i wasn't being abandoned (which would make me really annoying!)

but i sort of do get the raging thing too, cause if he feels guilty and that guilt means he is wrong recognising that guilt would be like validating the possibility of abandonment, i have got like that at times when i have known i am in the wrong (...with my mum again - LOL) cause it made me feel like admitting that wrong would make her being mean justified... lol (which of course was not true) interesting, cause this could be similar with percieved abandonment.. ? i dont know if that helps anyone else here who has that problem or not.

coming from a BPD-ish abandonment-scared perspective, i can really understand needing to not feel that being abandoned would be justified in any way - if this is what that bit is about - idk, im not in his head so his reasons might be different, these are just my thoughts.

I can understand the whole running back and forth, i had that with my parents, like they played a tug of war with me, and i have done that too in my lifetime, with people in general. i think its learning that's the way you need to relate to people, and of course that is all messed up, but when you get told that emotionally, it can become a natural way of relating to people.

I've never had formal CBT. I've found it too hard to identify my own thoughts and feelings! But have done some online CBT as stuff has come up, and found therapy and self-help very helpful. Its hard... to even face your own feelings sometimes. I can understand why it would be hard to go to CBT.

Yes, being verbally abused can be a bit here's some (((hugs))) - and a nice hot cup of virtual tea, (if you like tea that is)!

Your other half is welcome to come and chat here too if he likes