No contact

Hi folks,

My bpd ex BF and i parted ways 5 weeks ago. I am avoiding all contact for now however there will be times where we cross paths. When that happens I need to be sure about what to say if he approaches me. Does "I wish you well, however I don't want to have contact with you" sound ok. I need to keep it succinct without hurting anyone.

Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks

Why don't you say that your own plate is too full and that you need space for yourself? Maybe that would be more tactful.

That is a much better way of saying it...thanks heaps for that.

Be persistent though. They like to pretend to offer help. You have to act moody and emotionally unavailable. In other words, mimic their behavior.

Fairytale wrote:Be persistent though. They like to pretend to offer help. You have to act moody and emotionally unavailable. In other words, mimic their behavior.

??????!

Does he agree intellectually that you weren't working as a couple while he still has the emotional desire to be together?
It's tricky because you have to be very clear while remembering he's probably very sensitive to any sort of rejection.
I would avoid making excuses, especially false ones. Personally it would just make me split you black as a liar. On the other hand, splitting an ex black is sometimes the only way a BPDer can eventually move on.
I'd try something like, "It seems to me that the best way for us to eventually be on good terms is to take plenty of time apart to really, really get over each other. Our relationship was an important part of my life, but I need to move on and leave it in the past so that someday we can have a different kind of relationship as just friends. I feel like having any more contact than just saying hello for a good long while is going to endanger any chance of us getting along at some point in the future. How do you feel about that? Would you be okay with not talking for a fairly long time, except to say hi, until it's clear we've both been able to move on?"
Also, if he makes accusations or complaints about things you've done, accept some (not all) responsibility and say, "I'm sorry - really sorry - I upset you or hurt you. I didn't realize I was doing that, and I'll be thinking seriously about what you've told me so that I don't do it again."

This might not make any difference, but in my experience the important things are:
1) don't lie, and be CLEAR about what you want; he isn't psychic and he's going to hear what his emotions want to hear,
2) try not to let him feel like you're blaming him,
3) give him a chance to feel it's a shared decision,
4) let him know you value him as a person.

I'd like to hear more opinions on this, though.

Hi Guys

This is certainly a tricky one. @passenger - I think intellectually he knows but in meeting up after the break up (once) he was blaming me for a lot of what happened. He then back tracked and said that he was not in a good place and did not want to drag me down (his words).

I certainly do not want to hurt or blame him or make him feel any worse than he does but at the same time I have to look after myself. I am concerned that if I say too much it will confuse the situation and potentially lay the path for him to blame me and if I say too little he will feel terrible. In the info I have read about this topic it suggests to keep it simple because if you engage in too long a conversation I could end up back where I was...heart broken.

In saying that I need to work on myself seems reasonable to me and that is certainly not a lie. I am not in a good place at the moment and finding it difficult to grasp it all (hence the reason for no contact at this stage).

Yes, we have to take the disorder seriously, I think. It is of course wonderful if we can each own our responsibilities and reason with the other person. Sometimes it's just too hard. My experience is that you don't want to expose your vulnerabilities too much. Try not to have to explain or elaborate too much.
I suggested that you say you need space for yourself because he probably knows that he cannot really understand or satisfy your needs.

-- Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:42 am --

It is also my experience that people with BPD or other PD don't really see the future. So it does not mean anything to them to talk about being friends again at some point in the future.

I do find Passenger's comments illuminating and honest.

That's a really good point about looking to the future. It would actually just get me mired in the present, going "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

The irony is that even the present doesn't seem real to people with BPD. It's almost always attached to the sufferings in the past, or somehow it's just never good enough. So future is sometimes imagined as an illusion, as if some ideal future will somehow compensate the deficient present. But there is no timeline as to how to get there.