Over-feeling other people's problems.

When I hear about, witness, or interpersonally experience other people's problems -- to wit, a random assortment of the typical things that I over-feel: difficult family issues, death, mental health problems -- I think and feel them to death.

I can't stop thinking about the pain that they are in. And I desperately want to fix it, even though I know that I cannot and, ultimately, probably should not try if it is a problem that they alone theoretically can (and should) address. I over-think and over-feel these things to the point of nausea.

I will ruminate over the issues for hours, alone. It's almost like GAD, in a way, when I am presented with an emotionally challenging and intense situation that belongs to another person. I think about all of the things that can (and have gone) go wrong, and I pursue each haunted avenue until I can't bear to think any more.

I agonize over what I assume they must be feeling. Like, agony. I brood about how sh*tty life must be for them due to their situation, and I can't stop until I've either knocked myself out from crying or I've mentally snapped and physically injure myself to deal with the imaginings of my mind.

Recently, a previously estranged family member of mine has been going through a very rough time. Probably exiting the prodrome of schizophrenia and is now in full acute first episode psychosis, from my limited view of understanding. Making contact with him was very, very hard. It didn't go well, due to what I suspect were auditory hallucinations and episodes of schizophasia happening during the encounter, as well as intense anxiety arising from the reunion itself. He's been isolating himself for the past 5 years, just as I have, because of difficulties dealing with reality and interpersonal relationships.

I didn't tell him about my BPD or my experiences with psychosis; the meeting was too tense and brief. Also, I am not sure he is completely aware of what exactly is wrong (refuses to get medical attention). But now, all I can do is think about this. And I'm terrified for him. I can't stop thinking how he must be feeling, how afraid he must have been today, how his life has been (is homeless).

I can't stop feeling. I shake with the terror. And I can't turn my mind off. And I don't know why.

It doesn't help him. It doesn't change anything. I am worrying over something that I cannot control. I believe all lived experience is beautiful experience, and I am able to apply this doctrine in a limited fashion to him. I can see how the intensity of his anxiety, fear, and suffering come together to make the person before me -- an incredible soul. But I can't let the tranquility of this knowledge calm me down.

I just want to make it stop, for him. Want to make everyone involved feel better, at ease, relaxed.

But I can't.

/rabbit-hole thinking.

Strangely, an ex-boyfriend of mine is in a similar situation. He has schizoaffective disorder and is on the verge of being homeless. We still talk and I help him out with money sometimes. I feel overwhelmingly empathetic towards his situation. It weighs heavy on me all day long and I cry intermittently. I also go through the feelings of desperately wanting to take away the pain and save him, but at the same time I know it's not my problem and ultimately I can't do anything to stop the downward spiral. Only he can. I can't stop thinking about it and it breaks my heart.

I am, truly, very saddened to hear about what you are going through. It feels criminal, in its inability to be reconciled with.

What do we do?

-- Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:15 am --

Some random Googling revealed that I might be sicker/less normal than I think.

Mirror-touch synthesesia.

I never considered the possibility that other people cannot 'feel' when others are touched, physically and emotionally. I feel this all of the time.

http://www.livescience.com/1628-study-p ... -pain.html

http://www.nature.com/neuro/journal/v10 ... n1926.html

...I'm going to sleep now.