My Mother Robbed Me, Too

My Mother Robbed Me too
2/16/10

I thought it was just my Dad,
who was bad.

Externally, an oh, so unctuous sweet –
delightful;
not at all unlike hot, fragrant cinnamon rolls -
fresh from the oven.

Enjoy them now, pay for them later.

The fat and sugar you anxiously
lick
from your fingers
shows up
on your hips
in time.

Tragically, he was
internally rotten: think leftover goulash
sitting
horrifically helplessly
in a Tupperware dish

for six months in the fridge.

Oh, I knew from a young age
that he was
in bed with the devil
to ruin my self-esteem
and crush every dream
I ever did dare to reach for.

But, I thought he was the only one
who wanted,
indeed needed
(for his own selfish reasons)
to undermine my own sense of me.

‘Til one day,
out of the clearest of blue skies
came an urgent
and unwelcome
feeling.

A knowledge,
as certain and true and real
as the nails on my toes –
(even without polish.)

My mother
robbed me, too.

I never knew
I never saw
Now that I do
It’s dropped my jaw.

My mother,
I can’t believe it -
robbed me, too.

She agreed with every thought
I had -
with every inclination
every justification
every examination
and every
fixation, temptation and interpretation.
Damn!
That’s like being
on permanent
vacation.

Nary a once
did she complain
about a single thing
I did.

Is it any wonder one grows up
believing in oneself to a fault
with that kind of
indoctrination?

I never knew,
I never saw.
Now that I have,
It’s dropped my jaw.

I never, not once, not ‘til now
had any
indication.

But, my mother, she robbed me, too.

Did you write that yourself? Sounds like it came straight out of a poetry book (and by that i mean you have some skill with poetry if you wrote it, not implying it was copied! )

Sorry your mum was like that. mine criticized me a lot, but more by putting me down and complaining, not helpful criticism like telling what to do better & how, so i feel like there is a lot i never learned too, mostly "emotional skills" - how to deal with them & with life at the same time. so can relate to how that might cause problems.

katana wrote:Did you write that yourself? Sounds like it came straight out of a poetry book (and by that i mean you have some skill with poetry if you wrote it, not implying it was copied! )

Sorry your mum was like that. mine criticized me a lot, but more by putting me down and complaining, not helpful criticism like telling what to do better & how, so i feel like there is a lot i never learned too, mostly "emotional skills" - how to deal with them & with life at the same time. so can relate to how that might cause problems.

Yes I wrote it. I did not take offense to what you said! Thank you for commenting on it! I appreciate that.

Well, it is weird, but it's like she gave me TOO much skill. Yes she criticized me at times, like you say yours did, but only when drunk really, but it's hard to explain. In her eyes I didn't do much wrong, but that is the problem! I was never taught to distinguish things, or how to decide if my feelings were true and real, or how to tell if I really did like something or not...or if a guy was good for me or not...because she agreed with everything. It's almost like she "helped" me split. Like she enabled me to split. Like she purposely taught me how to never know myself, so she could keep me helpless. Geez, I don't know if I'm making any sense or not. I lack emotional skills, too. Thank God or whomever for you and this forum.

Let me know what happens with the car!

That is an excellent poem. Very emotional and well written. I can identify with it very well. I had pretty much the same type of relationship with my parents.

Lollirot wrote:That is an excellent poem. Very emotional and well written. I can identify with it very well. I had pretty much the same type of relationship with my parents.

THANK YOU, Lollirot! I so appreciate the feedback. I am feeling a tad wee bit better each day knowing I am not the only one who has gone through these things. When everyone else tells you that you're just nuts you being to think you are...it is so much easier to deal with things when people take the time to tell you that they've been through some of the same things.

And I'm sorry that you've gone through this stuff, too.

By the way, //off topic// I love your username and your avatar.

hey thats really good uscitizen1966

ycinsha wrote:hey thats really good uscitizen1966

Thank you so much ycinsha!

I appreciate the nice compliment.

uscitizen1966 wrote:Yes I wrote it. I did not take offense to what you said! Thank you for commenting on it! I appreciate that.

I like a lot of the poetry i read on these forums, but i dont always comment, cause i'd end up saying, I like that, i like that, & i like that! lol. i guess it would be nice if there was a "like" button for poetry.

uscitizen1966 wrote:Well, it is weird, but it's like she gave me TOO much skill. Yes she criticized me at times, like you say yours did, but only when drunk really, but it's hard to explain. In her eyes I didn't do much wrong, but that is the problem! I was never taught to distinguish things, or how to decide if my feelings were true and real, or how to tell if I really did like something or not...or if a guy was good for me or not...because she agreed with everything. It's almost like she "helped" me split. Like she enabled me to split. Like she purposely taught me how to never know myself, so she could keep me helpless. Geez, I don't know if I'm making any sense or not. I lack emotional skills, too. Thank God or whomever for you and this forum.

Let me know what happens with the car!

Do you mean credited you with too much skill? My dad made sure i had lots of practical skills, i dont think that is a bad thing, its one good thing he did for me, even if he only did it to make me more "superior" it has given me ways of expressing my feelings too and hopefully in the future ways of making a living.

But I know exactly what you mean with mums. Yeah, mine helped me split, she helped me rationalise,

*edit: told me i "get like this every time i have a boyfriend" (only 2nd time anything like that could kick in. lol) told me she feels like she's walking on eggshells, that im oversensitive, then took one look at the bpd criteria and said, no you don't have that, but i bet your dad does - cause i showed it to her cause someone had "accused" me, so she walked on eggshells/gave me the answer that would get positive reaction from me*

she never gave me any real advice except if i complained about something she would start putting me down for not splitting up with boyfriends, telling me to quit courses, etc. the only thing she didn't do it with was dead end jobs, (just ignored my complaints and tried to brush them off as if i was just moaning) or the last time i tried to take a course where she told me to stay cause she thoight i was being melodramatic and playing things up ?for attention? when i didn't want attention i really wanted out but never came close to even saying anything liike that, just said i hated college. but it kinda makes sense cause she moans/scolds/nags about everything and everyone around her constantly lol

I let you know by PM... not as bad as it could be but not great. how is yours doing?

katana wrote:I like a lot of the poetry i read on these forums, but i dont always comment, cause i'd end up saying, I like that, i like that, & i like that! lol. i guess it would be nice if there was a "like" button for poetry.

ROFLMAO! Yes, that would be great, like FB, with a feedback option if you want to comment! I really enjoyed the way you put that.

katana wrote: Do you mean credited you with too much skill? My dad made sure i had lots of practical skills, i dont think that is a bad thing, its one good thing he did for me, even if he only did it to make me more "superior" it has given me ways of expressing my feelings too and hopefully in the future ways of making a living.

Maybe that is what I mean. Never thought of it that way. Just like I wrote, it's just that she never thought I said or did anything wrong. When I've asked her about it she has said she just believes in me, trusts my instinct, knows I will always survive, that kind of thing. Maybe I split with her for no reason. Dunno. I mean, I don't see a BAD mom, really, it's just more that she never gave me a feeling of WHAT I was good at, or HOW I was good at it...she just always believed I would find my way. I think she believes that was teaching me to think for myself. But, she does admit now that maybe she should have had more "opinions" about things I did. My grandfather was very controlling and always HAD to make points, criticize, etc., so maybe she just went the opposite way? I wrote that poem over a year ago...feelings have changed, rechanged, divided, split. LOL. Peat and repeat.

Well, your remarks about your Dad giving you practical skills, yes, not a bad thing, I agree. My mother has always told me that her father, the one that was so highly critical, did the same. She tried not to see him as bad. She can do all sorts of things many women would never attempt. She can drywall, fix cars, paint, repair nail pops...all kinds of things. So yes, I do see your point.

katana wrote: But I know exactly what you mean with mums. Yeah, mine helped me split, she helped me rationalise

Well that's what I mean. Yes, helped me rationalize, too. It's like cause I didn't get ANY feedback, I started splitting MYSELF. Argh. LOL

katana wrote:*edit: told me i "get like this every time i have a boyfriend" (only 2nd time anything like that could kick in. lol) told me she feels like she's walking on eggshells, that im oversensitive, then took one look at the bpd criteria and said, no you don't have that, but i bet your dad does - cause i showed it to her cause someone had "accused" me, so she walked on eggshells/gave me the answer that would get positive reaction from me*

Ouch! Do you view her as having trouble accepting any kind of reality that is negative? I am sorry! Funny, my Mom says the same. You didn't get that from OUR family, you got that from your Dad. Ugh.

katana wrote:she never gave me any real advice

Yes! I so understand! Well, ok, that is a white lie. She taught me how to do the wash, balance a checkbook (that's easy, just hold it on your head and don't wiggle), keep a house clean. Practical skills. I guess maybe like what you said about your Dad. But never advice regarding how to FIX a problem...like with relationships or feelings, etc.

katana wrote: except if i complained about something she would start putting me down for not splitting up with boyfriends, telling me to quit courses, etc.

I did get that once. When a guy had hit me. She FLIPPED. But in that case, I get why. Not sorry she did everything she could to get me to break up with him. I'm so sorry. I don't think it's right for parents to tell their kids to quit things...I mean, shouldn't they be encouraging them to find a way to cope? Well, we've talked about that.

katana wrote: the only thing she didn't do it with was dead end jobs, (just ignored my complaints and tried to brush them off as if i was just moaning) or the last time i tried to take a course where she told me to stay cause she thoight i was being melodramatic and playing things up ?for attention?

Ugh. It's so strange. Well was this AFTER she knew of your DX? Did it get WORSE after she knew of your DX? It just sounds like she didn't want ANY negative feedback/reactions...because then she'd have to deal/acknowledge/help...and that takes energy? Just wondering. Not trying to mindread. Just guessing.

katana wrote: when i didn't want attention i really wanted out but never came close to even saying anything liike that, just said i hated college. but it kinda makes sense cause she moans/scolds/nags about everything and everyone around her constantly lol

It just sounds like she is so unhappy. Do you think she's miserable?

Will finish replying to PM soon!

Maybe, i dont know, have you asked her? Mine really is just uninterested. I was talking to her the other day & she said she was tired of having to pretend to be cheerful for lots of different things and she doesn't have time to - or see why she should really be interested in my stuff. she always has an excuse - says she doesn't have time, or doesn't know/understand what im talking about but that is cause she doesn't bother to listen cause she is REALLY impatient. (i mean she's impatient about everything, lol) she doesn't know how to give advice, if i ask her opinion most of the time its like she only knows how to tell me what to do.

Glad yours said something positive, the closest mine got to that is "oh well if you're acting the wrong way, it'll sort itself out in the end" well, mine just sent me to all the "best" things and made sure i could do lots of (sometimes possibly useless) things. things that he didn't want me to know as practical skills, more like stupid pointless cultural "accomplishments". he never got anything done round the house at all, looked down on people doing anything non-intellectual with it. said he didnt look down on practical work, but not good enough for his daughter. lol im the opposite i like to try to take practical skills out of everything, i think his attitude is the reason i often try to do *everything* myself. i mostly taught myself how to do stuff like DIY. just needed to do it so i... tried. lol

uscitizen1966 wrote:Well that's what I mean. Yes, helped me rationalize, too. It's like cause I didn't get ANY feedback, I started splitting MYSELF. Argh. LOL

That sounds confusing

uscitizen1966 wrote:Ouch! Do you view her as having trouble accepting any kind of reality that is negative? I am sorry! Funny, my Mom says the same. You didn't get that from OUR family, you got that from your Dad. Ugh.

yeah, lol "there is no mental illness in our family its all on his side!" lol.

uscitizen1966 wrote:Yes! I so understand! Well, ok, that is a white lie. She taught me how to do the wash, balance a checkbook (that's easy, just hold it on your head and don't wiggle), keep a house clean. Practical skills. I guess maybe like what you said about your Dad. But never advice regarding how to FIX a problem...like with relationships or feelings, etc.

mine had me help her cook a little when i was very small. after i reached a certain age she got annoyed if i would ask to cook stuff. mine didn't teach me any of that stuff, just expected me to do it with no teaching and snapped at me if i didn't. i guess i had been watching for most of my childhood, so found it all easy enough, my housework skills are all ok. stuff like chequebooks.. i learned maths at school.

uscitizen1966 wrote:I did get that once. When a guy had hit me. She FLIPPED. But in that case, I get why. Not sorry she did everything she could to get me to break up with him. I'm so sorry. I don't think it's right for parents to tell their kids to quit things...I mean, shouldn't they be encouraging them to find a way to cope? Well, we've talked about that.

I can understand flipping about that. Mine would have probably blamed me "you always choose the wrong boyfriends" :/ i guess the way she sees it, and has said so i can take care of myself in that sense, which i guess is true, im not so bothered by that cause i'd probably feel more uncomfortable if she got protective or something, i don't feel comfortable with anyone putting themselves in a parental position even my parent. the only person i can deal with being protective of me was if a boyfriend did it cause the relationship would mean there was no "parent-child connotation" ...yeah im a bit screwed up i dont talk about my relationships with her any more. but last time she saw my ex she was all over him - he's a bit of a superficial charmer and she falls for it every time. agree about quitting stuff.

uscitizen1966 wrote:Ugh. It's so strange. Well was this AFTER she knew of your DX? Did it get WORSE after she knew of your DX? It just sounds like she didn't want ANY negative feedback/reactions...because then she'd have to deal/acknowledge/help...and that takes energy? Just wondering. Not trying to mindread. Just guessing.

which dx ?
its hard to say. her first reaction to the idea of me having mental health problems was to start treating me like a small child that needed caring for. before that, i don't think she really paid much attention at all to anything i said. :/ only just realised that.
she doesn't know dxes about what problems i have now. she has no interest in finding out about them, and i dont really want to tell her the details cause i know it will mean about as much to her as last weeks shopping. she's not interested in that stuff.

uscitizen1966 wrote:It just sounds like she is so unhappy. Do you think she's miserable?

sort of, yeah. she treats people like that and pushes them away from her, keeps them at a distance, on one hand she seems constantly annoyed with everyone and everything and then on the other hand its like in some ways she is just like a small child saying "what about me?!" which makes sense cause she came from a big family, but then at the same time she doesn't pay attention to other people's feelings or needs properly, she's said about me a lot of times "this is what she wants, this is what she likes..." when i could speak for myself and that is not what i wanted at all. i think on the surface she is annoyed at everyone, and its like she has to have something to complain about. underneath that i think she is unhappy and lonely and probably doesn't understand why other people (like me) get pissed off at her. but then she tries to wind me up!

its like she is angry and resentful at everyone. and i feel angry and resentful at her. sorry i dont think im in a very good mood right now. lol i feel quite threatened and i tend to respond to threat by attacking. (her, not anyone here lol)

Will finish replying to PM soon! [/quote]

ok, i sent a reply to yours.