How do i cope with rejection and build off it?

I have listed several topics, and so far I have found this forum a lot more helpful then 15 years of therapy. It always makes the answer a lot more valid and ligit, coming from people who have actually been there, who have experienced the same things and can relate. So far all of those who have posted on my other topics, thanks...it's helped a ton

This one, comes down to three questions, all dealing with coping. The first one, is how do you deal with rejection, especially when your entire life, thats the only thing you have known. People feel awkward or uncomfortable around me, because I am different, because they dont understand or can not relate to what i am going through. People are scared of that which they dont understand. They dont know how to react to it. I try to put myself out there, to try to over come this, to try to build myself up, my self confidence, and actually start living. Obviously, the more you put yourself out there, especially when you are just starting out, you are going to be faced with more than enough of your fair of rejection and criticism. But like i said, when in your life time, thats all you have ever known, at this point it has literally become impossible for me to cope with. It has pretty much come down to the waiting come, where I just wait it off until the emotions start to wear off. Have any of you experienced this, and if so, how do you cope with it. How are you able to look past that, and actually be able to move forward with it, continue to progress with your social interactions, rather than letting it bring you down, and most of the times even make your conditions that much more crippling? How do you put yourself out there, when you havent been able to develop any normal social skills, and actually come out with a successful interaction? Maybe not an instant friendship, but at the same time, not someone that they are uncomfortable around?

I don't think there's an easy answer to that question....if it were as easy as saying doing a b and c then none of us would ever struggle with the condition in the first place.

Saying that, there are things you can do, but it's internal things mostly. On the outside you just need to keep on putting yourself out there. The easiest way to do this is to find a way of meeting people who have similar interests. So whatever you enjoy doing, and feel relaxed doing, try to find some sort of group to join. For me, this is tai chi, creative writing and going onstage. It's refreshing to mingle with totally new people who don't know anything about me unless I choose to tell them. That doesn't mean I hide my past or my condition, but it's not all that important for the activities we do together.

The real battle though is inside yourself. It's accepting your condition but not judging yourself. it's learning to be compassionate to yourself - which is where I feel you struggle. It's important to understand that BPD is not something we choose, the way we react and feel is not our personal choice. When we can accept that fact, and not judge ourself for the way we behave when our 'old' brain (the emotional instinctual part of our brain, our animal instincts) takes over. It's very easy to blame yourself for this type of behaviour, but while there is any blame then you lose hope that you can change things. I think if you can feel completely settled within your own body, accepting the times when your emotions take you over, being mindful when that happens so you can lessen the impact on yourself and others, then and only then is it possible for you to realise your full potential and start building positive relationships with people. That doesn't mean keeping a tight lid on your emotions and blocking them off, it means learning to live with them, learning ways to cope with them and be happy within yourself.

The problem with "rejection" is that it's our "new" brain - the ability to imagine, reason and reflect. We have an emotional reaction to the negativity of being pushed out somehow (and for us with BPD it's an exaggerated reaction, as most of them are) but then we jump in with a whole pile of unhelpful negative thinking. We make the problem (already 100x worse for us because of the exaggerated emotions) a million times bigger in our heads. We assume all sorts of things and think all sorts of things are implied by the 'rejection' so it's imperative to be mindful when you have an emotional reaction of any sort, to work out what the trigger is. Then you make a huge effort to work out a more appropriate emotional level to react at. Take away all judgement and negativity and simply state the fact - anything from "I wasn't invited to the group" to "they weren't able to meet me for coffee"....not the stuff we normally add on to it like "they must all hate me, they never want me around, they just want me to go away, they always shut me off, I must be a horrible person, what's so wrong with me that they don't like me, nobody likes me, I'd be better off dead". Wheras the fact may be something simple like "they couldn't make it for coffee because they had another engagement they couldn't get out of". Of course, sometimes unfortunately it is rejection and they don't want to spend time with you (me too - I mean you in the general term). And that's where you have to say "they don't want to spend time with me. that's their problem, not mine" and immediately think of 3 things about them that have annoyed you in the past. It can be hard to do - rejection really hurts but at the end of the day, it's our own thinking that makes it hurt. So work on the thinking and try to be very rational and logical about it. Logically, not everyone you meet is going to like you. It's a fact. Unpleasant, yes, but the truth. Accept that and you're another step closer.

Sorry if that's a bit rambling and disjointed - I'm trying to pull otgether stuff from a few different therapy sessions, including one from this morning on compassion.

No, that actually was perfect. I know i beat myself up far too much. I have had several people tell me im too hard on myself, that i beat myself up more than anyone else could in a life time. They always say stay away from those who will bring you down, and fill your life with as many good people as you can, people who are patient and understanding, people who do care, and will be there for you no matter what. The one person who will bring you down more than anyone else ever could, you cant avoid, and thats yourself.

You're right, if I can just accept myself for the way I am, accept the fact that at this point it is who i am, and be ok with it, that will help out at least some. At least thIat will bring me to a point where i can stop the self harm (emotional beating) and actually be strong enough, confident enough, to start handling the emotional issues I have with others, learning from them, and building from them, learning from them.

Maybe they are busy, maybe they do have other stuff going on, or prior commitments. Maybe they themselves have issues they are going through and are trying to work on those first. Or like you said, maybe it really is rejection, The hard part with that though is, youd never know the difference. A person can say everything is fine, depending on the person it is coming from, it could have two different meanings. From one person, they might really mean it, that everything is fine. With someone else though, they may just be too nice and would rather sugar coat it rather than being open and honest with you, and just saying how it is. Same with someone who stops talking to you for a while. Maybe they really are busy, maybe they do have other things going on in there life, or maybe it goes back to the rejection and they just arent interested, but would rather avoid it all together by avoiding you. So that leads to mixed emotions to the same situations, youd never know. When two people are saying the same thing, but each one is trying to send you a different message, obviously its our natural instinct to reflect more on the negative, to focus more on that than the good. So with that, any time a girl says they are busy.....rejection. Any time they say everything is fine.....sugar coating it. Any time someone says they have other stuff they are trying to get resolved on there own end.....avoiding the situation. Now while all these points may be true, they very second someone uses it in the terms i just listed, it leaves the possibility that others might be meaning the same thing. So no matter what answer I get, whether its true or not, it always has me second guessing. I was told by a friend at work, that I could go talk to this one girl that I work with, I could ask her if something i said or did had offended her or upset her some how, and regardless of her answer, I would still be convinced that something was wrong. So it would pretty much be pointless to even worry about it in general. At this point, I would agree with that. I really would still be convinced that something was wrong, simply because it has happened all too often.

At this point, it goes right back to what you were saying. Accept the answer for what it is, and leave our own personal opinion out of it. She is busy......then she's busy. Everything is fine.......then everythings fine. I need to stop adding in my own personal opinion, she cant hang out today.....because she's not interested in me, or doesnt want to have anything to do with me. She didnt answer her phone......because she's ignoring me. Its more my own personal opinion which either turns a good healthy relationship into a pretty quickly ended one, or turns a bad situation into an even worse one (putting salt on an open wound). Either way, they are going to go on with there life, they are going to move on with there lives, im the only one that will end up hurt by it. I need to stop putting myself into the position where I let my own personal opinion at this point get the best of me, and let it effect my interactions with others. It only makes things worse between others and myself, and much much worse with my own self esteem and confidence. It only leaves that much more room, adds one more reason for me to beat myself up, and drag it into future interactions with others. So no, everything you said hit the spot perfectly, and made perfect sense.

Thats why im on here. Im starting to find it more helpful, more useful, gaining information from people who have actually been there, who are experiencing the same things that I am, who understand what im going through, and how i feel, how i react to them, rather than a therapist who knows nothing about it first hand, they just give there own personal opinions based on studies from others, who also have never experienced it first hand. It makes the comments, statements, and suggestions on here far more helpful and validating. So thanks for your input, i really appreciate it.

How do you mean, people feel awkward around you, that they don't understand you or fear the unknown? Do you mean people you have just met or the ones who know about your diagnosis? If it's new people, how do they sense you're 'different'?

Hi bloverboy99,

I can relate to your OP so much at the moment, sort of from a different angle and then again some things from the same too. I'm also coming from a place of feeling very rejected at the moment and trying to go forward into living - in a slightly different way, (and then again, the same cause it has also made me feel rejected all my life, so I also do really understand that.)

Great advice Isoko

I used to call people and they'd be busy, so then I'd think they are rejecting me, and I'd bombard them with calls like crazy and then then maybe they would start ignoring me! lol and as someone with BPD traits myself I can see how other borderlines would also find that sort of BPD behaviour hard to deal with with their own issues! lol

I can't speak for all women, but only for one of them, but i can say if its a girl as in someone you're dating or a girlfriend, if i am busy, i am just busy, if i say nothing, I'm probably just in some sort of psychological pain and have "frozen up" and can't communicate, or I might be angry/upset and need to calm down before i communicate in any way that makes sense. People DO use being busy as an excuse, but when its someone you're genuinely close to and know well I would say telling them you're busy when that is not the real reason would be unfair.
One of the things that has made a big difference is being able to hold back and let yourself get to know people - i think most people with BPD type issues struggle with is attaching fast and suddenly based on abandonment/need, so really when you hardly know people being that "emotionally invested" that soon is making you vulnerable to abandonment, when you don't know people so well, and later on if you get to know people slowly you learn you can trust their communication, when people are emotionally healthy they can learn to communicate openly, but even without open communication there isn't exactly deception either - (i have a friend who says "i'm fine!!" in an irritated voice when she is really not fine, and everyone knows it means "i'm upset!" lol)
of course when you have spent your life just suddenly attaching to people in some way without getting to know them slowly first, you're very vulnerable to that sort of thing and even after you deal with those issues it takes a lot longer to be able to process that.

...i think bpd doesn't only cause problems with abandonment, but often causes people to "invest emotionally" too much in people who will abandon them, which reinforces the idea we will get abandoned...

As far as sugar coating goes, I think you begin to learn emotionally healthy people don't sugar-coat stuff cause there is no need to - honesty is communication even when there are things you might not be 100% happy about, you learn that's ok, but it hasn't been something that has been ok for me either cause I grew up learning if i said the "wrong" thing i would be rejected. Which is not true at all.

I get the seeing the negatives more than the postitives - I'd sometimes be constantly on the look out for them and read some potential negative into everything that happened like i was preparing for the worst to happen! things are getting much better now tho.

but yeah, i have had problems with the same thing.

THANK YOU!

I have been feeling like this all day! I have no ######6 idea how to cope with it. No ######6 idea! It sucks. I was with my ex today and he was just treating me like crap. I am like always doing something wrong! ALWAYS.

I'm either too distant. Or too in your face. Or I don't share enough. Or I don't talk enough. Or I don't seem interested enough. Or I'm too clingy.

LIKE WTF DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? I have no idea how to be perfect like everyone else! SORRY! I just don't. I don't get it. I just don't ######6 get it.

Sorry for the vent. Just been a rough day. Great blog though.

Wow, your ex sure sounds like a real winner. It's starting to feel like everyone is that same way. People will tell you that you just need to put yourself out there. So you put yourself out there and all of a sudden, you're labeled as a stalker, or being too clingy, needy, or just weird. Funny thing about it, and this is something ive been paying real close attention to the past couple of weeks. We are just doing the same thing everyone else is, it's because we are different that make the same behavior accetable for anyone else, but not for us. It's like they can see it, or sense it some how. But we are just acting the same way everyone else does. It's like you were saying, what do they want us to do, what do they expect. We're fighting a losing battle either way.

It really hit hard tonight. My roommate and i went for a walk, and it was going great, he was giving me a pep talk, starting to motivate me in various aspects of life, the weather was nice, it was calm and relaxing. It was just nice, thats all there is to it. Then I talked to him about this one girl that goes the the same church that we do......biggest mistake ever. All of a sudden, it went from motivating, to "yo just need to forget about her, she's not your friend, she never will be, she's just being nice." I asked him if he thought I will ever be accepted in the church we go to, if i will ever be able to actually fit in and maybe make a few new friends. his response......"no, you wont. You're too different from everyone else, people are afraid of that which is different". Now while he is right on that last part, the rest of it literally crushed me. It was a complete 360 in a matter of 3 minutes, if that. It went from him saying there is hope, i just need to not worry so much, yada yada, to youre a total reject, theres no hope, just give up. It really hurt. The more i tried to let him know that it hurt what he was saying, he simply said "sadness is a form of selfishness, we feel sad because we dont get what we want" So that just hammered me into the ground a few more levels. At that point, I just tried my best to keep from crying. Why do people have to be so mean, especially when we are trying everything we can to recover, to work on our weaknesses and actually make a few steps forward, just to have them pull us right back. Its not right.

Wow, I'm sorry man. That sounds unpleasant indeed. Maybe he was just trying (ham-fistedly) to keep you from getting your hopes up too unrealistically high? Or trying to say, "Look, the reason you're unhappy is because you want stuff too much. If you can live more in the moment and not be yearning for what you don't have (because there will always be stuff that you don't have), you'll be happier." Also, wanting things too badly from other people can sabotage your chances of ever getting them.

Do you think maybe you were hearing him in more black-and-white terms than he really meant?

bloverboy99 wrote:Wow, your ex sure sounds like a real winner. It's starting to feel like everyone is that same way. People will tell you that you just need to put yourself out there. So you put yourself out there and all of a sudden, you're labeled as a stalker, or being too clingy, needy, or just weird. Funny thing about it, and this is something ive been paying real close attention to the past couple of weeks. We are just doing the same thing everyone else is, it's because we are different that make the same behavior accetable for anyone else, but not for us. It's like they can see it, or sense it some how. But we are just acting the same way everyone else does. It's like you were saying, what do they want us to do, what do they expect. We're fighting a losing battle either way.

It really hit hard tonight. My roommate and i went for a walk, and it was going great, he was giving me a pep talk, starting to motivate me in various aspects of life, the weather was nice, it was calm and relaxing. It was just nice, thats all there is to it. Then I talked to him about this one girl that goes the the same church that we do......biggest mistake ever. All of a sudden, it went from motivating, to "yo just need to forget about her, she's not your friend, she never will be, she's just being nice." I asked him if he thought I will ever be accepted in the church we go to, if i will ever be able to actually fit in and maybe make a few new friends. his response......"no, you wont. You're too different from everyone else, people are afraid of that which is different". Now while he is right on that last part, the rest of it literally crushed me. It was a complete 360 in a matter of 3 minutes, if that. It went from him saying there is hope, i just need to not worry so much, yada yada, to youre a total reject, theres no hope, just give up. It really hurt. The more i tried to let him know that it hurt what he was saying, he simply said "sadness is a form of selfishness, we feel sad because we dont get what we want" So that just hammered me into the ground a few more levels. At that point, I just tried my best to keep from crying. Why do people have to be so mean, especially when we are trying everything we can to recover, to work on our weaknesses and actually make a few steps forward, just to have them pull us right back. Its not right.

Passenger wrote:Wow, I'm sorry man. That sounds unpleasant indeed. Maybe he was just trying (ham-fistedly) to keep you from getting your hopes up too unrealistically high? Or trying to say, "Look, the reason you're unhappy is because you want stuff too much. If you can live more in the moment and not be yearning for what you don't have (because there will always be stuff that you don't have), you'll be happier." Also, wanting things too badly from other people can sabotage your chances of ever getting them.

Do you think maybe you were hearing him in more black-and-white terms than he really meant?

Yea maybe that is it or maybe he was being way rude. See the 3 second change happens to me too. I wonder if we say something that like upsets people or like people think we " can't do it " since we are so upfront about our weakness people look at that as not being strong in this society. When really being honest with yourself is one of the hardest things to do. But most people rather walk around acting like they are this tower of strength and nothing bothers them. It's rare to see people being vulnerable and I think people don't know how to re act to it. Especially men maybe? No offense.

<<< That is a just thought you know.

Yea, that's another thing that he kept saying. "You're not a tree, you're not a pole" Apparently he was saying girls need a pole, someone who they can lean on emotionally and turn to. Heres how he explained it, the girl leans on the man for strength, and the man leans towards god. At no point is the man ever supposed to lean on the girl for emotional support, because its not her job, its not fair for a guy to put her in that position. Im thinking, that makes no sense whatsoever. All of a sudden, men are not supposed to have emotions or feelings, and if they do, they just go to god so it doesnt show. Blah

I know im not strong, in fact as soon as he said the part about "she's not your friend, non of them are, they are just trying to be nice, you'll never fit in or be accepted, yada yada yada'", I immediately sent the a text message to the girl we were talking about, asking if i could PLEASE talk to her (it really hit that hard). So she sent me a text message this morning when she woke up, and she's like sure, what can I do to help. And now I dont know what to say. Maybe my roommate is right, maybe this entire time when I thought i had a good friend, the girl was just being nice, maybe I am too different, and even by talking to her expressing my concerns about her friendship, would be putting her in an unfair position. So now i have the girl wondering what I needed at 5:00 in the morning and I dont know how to respond.