Courage

Hello all...I have recently discovered this forum and read many of the posts and can relate very much. I was dxed a little over 2 years ago, just before having a violent toxic reaction to Effexor which caused me to have to leave work...I've struggled tremendously since then to stay afloat, filed for SS disabilty and am 8 months into the run around and now awaiting an appeal hearing that unfortunately may come too late as I had bought a home shortly before having the reaction to Effexor (had a great job as a pro web designer). Now I can no longer take meds (have been through them all, Effexor was the last nail in the coffin) and only being able to worked on a very limited basis from home doing music stuff and web design has left me pretty much poverty stricken. God has blessed me with a Mom (parents of origin were abusive and the reason I have BPD in the first place) who has helped me tremendously, but is not in a position to completely support me financially as I await the SSI run around. It's been most difficult dealing with the dx and all that goes with it, along with the financial difficulties along with facing losing my home, all on top of not being able to take meds AND having no money/insurance for therapy. I have an excellent therapist (who dxed my BPD) but she works for a clinic and cannot treat me pro bono so I'm stuck.

I'm a Christian and a musician and both have helped me through this...I can't say I have unending faith because I don't, I struggle and scream and rage and fight, all the BPD stuff, but I do my best to encourage myself and hold on through music and my relationship with God. I added a page to my website with 3 songs (1 is one I wrote a few years ago) that have encouraged me a great deal through this situation and I wanted to share it with the forum so that perhaps some of you may find some encouragement. The link is: http://www.isaiah61psalmist.com/courage

I've appreciated all the feelings expressed in the posts I've read and can relate a great deal. Tammy

Wow I looked at your web page and I enjoyed listening to Silent Cry. I can relate to all your saying, because I have BPD but I'm glad you believe in God. I'm sort of on the fense w/ him right now. I guess "borderline" in a sense because sometimes I feel like he's abandoned me like everyone. I hope you continue to grow in your faith.

Glad you enjoyed Silent Cry...if you haven't, take a listen to the other 2 songs on there - they're not songs I wrote but they're very encouraging for what we go through.

Don't get me wrong, I often feel "on the fence" with God, feeling like He abandoned me, hates me, wants to kill me, sound familiar? Total BPD. That makes faith very difficult. But I guess like therapy works, if you keep consistently putting something into your brain eventually even if it's in a subconscious act some of it gets through. So I read the Bible as often as I can (when I'm not too furious to do so) and listen to music pretty much constantly and when I can I play guitar and sing, all of which is therapeutic for faith. Somehow it keeps going, but it's just as hard as every other relationship if not harder sometimes because He's God and He can fix these things. I try to remember the Footprints poem about the guy walking on the beach and only seeing one set of footprints in his most difficult times - when he asked God about it and said "why did you leave me during those times?" God said "I didn't leave you, there's only one set of footprints because I CARRIED you during those worst times." God is big enough to take our BPD - maybe He's the only one who really is.