Positive relationships

I know this forum in particular has tons of threads about relationship problems, and some of them sound truly terrible for both parties in the relationships I'm reading about. I know it goes with the territory of bpd but for a change I am in the mood to focus on some positives about my past relationships.

One in particular was a long term relationship I had with a woman who had bpd. We dated for almost three years. When I first met her, she had just been released from a hospital for attempting suicide by cutting her wrist. We were both borderline, but compared to her, I was more on the impulsive and emotionally manipulative side, and she was more about unstable moods and being suicidal. Both of us having the same underlying problems, we ended up having an instant attraction to each other and we both had a role to play, with me being wild but generally life affirming, and her being thoughtful and very romantic. She is still the only person I have ever genuinely loved. We had our ups and downs of course, but every couple in the world does. And we were a very successful couple for three years and then we mutually grew apart and ended the relationship on good terms, and to this day we are still on speaking terms. I wish I could have more relationships like that. And at the end of the relationship, I took away her suicidal tendencies and she gave me more depth and maturity.

To those of you who are married, think of all the positives in your relationships for a change. I read a lot of complaints here, and many of them sound unjustified. If you focus more on the good in your partners, it might lift you out of your depressive states and help you relax more, to realize how lucky you are to have him in your life to support you. Maybe I'm going overboard suggesting this, but all the moaning and complaining about your partners is disheartening to me and I don't think you are understanding the positives that your husbands are providing to you.

My husband does not have BPD. He has lived with my crazy ass for ten years. I can be a cold, calculating, manipulative bitch sometimes, and I don't always remember to tell my husband how much I appreciate and love him, but he deserves the husband of the century award. He has stood by me through things no one else has. He refuses to give up on me. He loves me when I hate myself. He's my biggest fan. It kills me to think of the things I have put him through, selfishly trying to cope with my own emotions, while forgetting about his... I don't know what I would do without him, and I mean that with every ounce of my being. He loves me as I am, which I still find almost unbelievable. After ten years, the fears of abandonment haven't left, but I haven't given up the fight either. This man deserves the best from me, as I so often get from him. He has the patience of Job, bless his heart.

Also, an understanding therapist who gets bpd and works with couples is a huge bonus. I suddenly feel, as you suggested aj, very lucky about what I do have. A few hours ago, I was lamenting my life. Thanks for your post.

See miss_taken, remembering all the positives about the relationship can lift your spirits so to speak and help you overcome your negative thoughts. You sound like your husband is a great influence on your life, and since he is sticking by you, how bad can your life be really? Long term relationships can take patience and they require trust and respect. The only true long term relationship I've ever had is the one I already mentioned when I started this post. We both had issues, sometimes we got in fights, sometimes we went through periods where we devalued each other, but it never lasted very long. We always remembered how happy we made each other. Relationships are so healthy for us, it's kind of tragic that relationship problems are a part of our condition, and we have to remember it's a disorder, it's not healthy and it's only causing dysfunction in our life. But like you said miss_taken, good therapy, maybe even couples therapy, could be of great benefit, and remembering your rational and healthy thoughts about your life and husband should be your goal when you become overwhelmed with your unhealthy emotions.

I think the reason that there haven't been many responses to this thread is that for many of us, it is damn near impossible to see the positives. For me, I know I have my children, a fantastic dad and step-mum (who are buying me a car this week!!!) and a possible new partner (and def a friend if nothing else). But unless I have the people there with me, I have emotional amnesia and the positive feelings just mean very little to nothing. I can see photographs of my 2 lovely daughters and they make me smile (they have infectious smiles the pair of them) and I get a brief "awww" feeling but then it's gone and I couldn't really care less. I do care.....but the feelings are all mixed up. That's why many of us end up dependent on just a few people in our lives -the ones who make us feel good. If they're not there, then we literally forget how to feel good....that's why there are abandonment issues, dependency issues etc.

So although I KNOW I have positive relationships in my life, they don't MEAN anything to me until I am right there with the people. It's not my fault - it's just the way my brain works. But maybe other people will read this and recognise it. Now, when I look at the photos I can say to myself "I might not be missing you heart and soul right now, but I will as soon as I see you and have to leave you again a few hours later". In a way it's a blessing - because if I had to live with the mental anguish of missing them all the time then I would probably kill myself. That's what's happened in the past - I have been with them and had lots of positivity and then they've gone and I've been sucked into a darker abyss because of their absence. Then if I have the means to be imulsive I will self-harm to some extent. Perhaps it's a protective mechanism I've developed without even realising it? It hurts too much when people I love aren't there, so I forget the emotions? Interesting theory.....might mention that one to my psychologist.

Anyway - if anyones reading this far, I hope it's maybe helped. It's not that you lack positive relationships in your life - you just don't feel they are positive for whatever reason.

If I remember correctly isoko49, you don't currently have a long term hubby or boyfriend, do you? My point of this thread was a reaction to being disgruntled at all the negative posts of people with loving husbands or boyfriends. Unless it is a bad relationship, I cannot understand all the complaints really. I do understand separation anxiety, I have that myself but in terms of living day in and day out with a supportive romantic partner, the complains I feel are misplaced and unreasonable. Many people in this world have no one who loves them, no one who cares about them, so it irritates me to hear complaints about people who have a support system in their lives.

i agree, it is possible for people with problems to have relationships that are healthy and not just their problems playing out! - and that there are good things to focus on, not just bad.

do borderlines and positive relationships go together??

it dosent sound right

katana wrote:i agree, it is possible for people with problems to have relationships that are healthy and not just their problems playing out! - and that there are good things to focus on, not just bad.

There's your answer jessica. Your illness isn't who you are, it's a set of problems you have but you don't have to let them take full control of your life. While some people with this particular condition have terrible relationships, others can have highly successful and rewarding relationships.

miss_taken wrote:My husband does not have BPD. He has lived with my crazy ass for ten years. I can be a cold, calculating, manipulative bitch sometimes, and I don't always remember to tell my husband how much I appreciate and love him, but he deserves the husband of the century award. He has stood by me through things no one else has. He refuses to give up on me. He loves me when I hate myself. He's my biggest fan. It kills me to think of the things I have put him through, selfishly trying to cope with my own emotions, while forgetting about his... I don't know what I would do without him, and I mean that with every ounce of my being. He loves me as I am, which I still find almost unbelievable. After ten years, the fears of abandonment haven't left, but I haven't given up the fight either. This man deserves the best from me, as I so often get from him. He has the patience of Job, bless his heart.

Also, an understanding therapist who gets bpd and works with couples is a huge bonus. I suddenly feel, as you suggested aj, very lucky about what I do have. A few hours ago, I was lamenting my life. Thanks for your post.

My husband has been the same as miss_taken has described for the last 11 years, I can't thank him enough in fact I don't but he knows. We live a life of friendship unfortunately lacking the love from me buts he's a rock and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I believe it takes an extremely strong person to stand by us and his help has enabled me to be strong enough to help me and others around me dealing with this illness.

My biggest wish is that I could love him and the guilt I feel from not loving him kills me. Why he sticks around I don't know but he is the best man anyone can ask for, I'm just sorry he's sticking around when someone else could benefit from his love and that maybe he could be loved back.

ajrocker8 wrote:

katana wrote:i agree, it is possible for people with problems to have relationships that are healthy and not just their problems playing out! - and that there are good things to focus on, not just bad.

There's your answer jessica. Your illness isn't who you are, it's a set of problems you have but you don't have to let them take full control of your life. While some people with this particular condition have terrible relationships, others can have highly successful and rewarding relationships.

I agree 100%