Rant - and selfharm

So after all these years of appearing fine to the world i thought the bpd had gone. Maybe because i spend most of my time working stupid hours and i had finally got what i wanted "a relationship". Although little things still sent me into a low it didnt last long and eventually i could manage the bpd or maybe just hide it. Didnt matter so much that the realationship is not the best - why would it, i was not on my own thats all that mattered.
The relationship nearly ended last week and wow did that show me that the bpd is defo still there. At the suggestion that i would be better off moving out as he cant make me happy in the way i need, i went straight into a "low". I can see i need to go but i cant all because of this stupid bpd. Drives me mad - way do i stay ? Because i cant go!
Since last sunday i have gone from being really low, unable to concentrate, feeling so lost and unloved - to self destruct mode. Hate myself so so much for being like this. Crawdled into "my world" away from reality and kept going in and out of my world, you know the world where i can see myself existing but thats not really me. At work i could see myself communicating with others only when i had to and in a way that was obvious i was sad, but really i was screaming inside saying "stop it, you look so stupid, what will people think". But i couldnt stop in. I couldnt get back out of my world and that scared the hell out of me. I found a way out today, the way i used to get out and back to reality - selfharm.
Ok so didnt think i would go down that road again but it worked . Now i am no longer low. And no one knows.
But now i feel like a failier. I am so embarrassed as to what people at work think about me- they have no idea about the bpd. Dont know whether to let someone know. My director kept asking if i was ok and said whatever it was he would never judge. I just said i am ok everytime, even though i just wanted to scream out "help me - dont let this happen to me again - i dont want to go back on meds and therpy after all this time". But no "im ok" or "sorry" was all that would come out. Arrggghhh! I am dreading going to work now, part of me wants to go back to my world and stay there. Too many questions at work - why wont u eat? Why have u started smoking ? Whats happened to you hand?
Would love to say "its because i have borderline personality disorder and its been controling me now leave me alone"! But thats never gonna happen.......
I have written my director an email trying to explain but i cant even press send so its saved in my drafts.
Sorry for going on and on

Press send, darling.

I wish there was something I could say that would help ease the pain for you. But ultimately, you and I both know that only you can become the healer you need.

What I feel that I can offer you, however, is comradeship. I felt every word of your post, and I am truly anguished to hear that you are in so much pain. Sometimes, the only way out of the rabbit hole is to close your eyes, breathe as deeply and carefully as you can, and just start talking. Keep writing on here, keep working it out in your head. You're only as alone as you allow yourself to be; you're only as 'in your world' as long as you let yourself remain there.

Keep calm, and carry on.

Press send. And keep posting. We're listening.

I agree; press send.

Of course, this is a "do as I say, not as I do" situation. I don't know if I could do it, but if, despite your reservations, that's what you want to do deep down inside, then do it. I think BE's right; this may be one of those times where you just say "d*mn the torpedoes, full speed ahead." It definitely won't be easy, but it may be easier than the alternative.

Regardless, if you ever need to vent, we're here for you. Scream, shout, cry, laugh, whatever.

"Remember, I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together." - Red Green

BPD is insidious.....and we are led to believe that we can be 'cured' of it. Some therapists still believe so strongly that it is NOT a genetic or brain condition that is built in, but something that is purely learnt behaviour that can be 'unlearnt' and then we're all better.

It's not - quite clearly it's not and I'm really wishing the world would catch on to that....research is getting there but not quicly enough for those of us suffering NOW.

Anyway - the point I'm trying to get across is that you are NOT a failure for having the BPD flare back up again. It is always going to be hiding at the back of the closet, waiting to jump out when you are placed under too much stress. And then, depending on which emotions are triggered (e.g. anger, sadness, guilt, shame) things can lead to a bad depression and a return to old coping strategies. You might feel that you 'should' have been able to deal with things better but no, you shouldn't. It's not that you have forgotten your new coping strategies, it's just that they are not sufficient for the amount of emotional distress you are finding yourself in. I firmly believe that when we 'recover' from BPD it's simply that we learn how to improve the circumstances and situations around us to avoid big triggers. Unfortunately life likes to throw those triggers back in our path and we have to find ways of getting through them....again......

SO - you're not a failure. You are someone with BPD which is a nasty condition under stress. I don't know if you 'did' DBT before, but if so, try really hard to think back to the Distress Tolerance skills you may have learnt and brush them off. Don't worry about Emotion Regulation skills right now because you are in Distress mode. That's what you're trying to do when you go into your 'own world'. That is the detached protector mode and it's a recognised behaviour for people with BPD. Your vulnerable child mode is feeling so threatened that you have tried to shut everything off to protect yourself. Unfortunately the detached mode can often mbe one of the most dangerous modes, in terms of self harm and suicidality.

I would try really hard to send that email to your director so that SOMEONE has a vague idea of the problems you're having right now. IF they see you falling to bits and think it's 'just' because your relationship has ended, they are going to wonder all sorts of things about you. If at least one person understands WHY it has upset you so much, it will make work much easier for you and remove that additional stressor from the equation. We can only handle so much stress with BPD and you need to remove the work one or else you're not going to be able to pull yourself back up so easily.

I hope that helps. We're all here to help you if you need us.

I have to say I agree- send the email. You might be surprised as to the conversations that follow. I was when I eventually managed to tell my boss. (Some of it was in conversation, and recently I wrote a lot of stuff out in a letter to him.) Things became a whole lot easier once I did tell him. Not everyone at work has to know about it. I told my boss and his wife (I work for a small family-owned business), and asked that any information about my "issues" remain confidential, and if and when I feel comfortable I will discuss it with the other staff. They don't know everything about it, but just enough that they are aware of the kind of stuff that is going on and can work out when they need to give me space or when they might need to lower their expectations (in a helpful, not a demeaning way) for a bit in terms of what I can achieve.

BE's words summed it up pretty well- really has a way with words.

Don't beat yourself up for falling back down again. I know what it's like to fall back down after having held it all together for so long- it really hurts- it's hard to even describe.

Keep posting...we're all here with you.

Lily

Thank you all for understanding and lisening to me - means alot and makes life a little easier.
I didnt send the email saying about the "bpd" (failed) but i did send one just saying "thankyou for bearing with me for the past week or so, had alot on my mind and sorry for acting the way i did but didnt cope very well".
I got a reply saying its not an issue as i have done my job but would be nice to see me smile.....
Ummm, well now feel like shouting - did my job? What planet are you on? I have messed up nearly everything i have done for the last week or so!!!!
Dont be nice to me!
Then suddenly think arrhh bless is that accepting me even though i have not been coping?
Half of me wants him to push me into telling him about this bpd and the other half doesnt cos i dont want to be looked at as being a nutter! Plus i just clam up when people ask whats up and say im ok which must annoy them i guess.
Anyway feel better today as relationship is not going to breakup.
Oh i am so kidding myself that i can be happy but i know im not but i have to stay because if the threat of it breaking up made me lose the plot, what the hell would actually breaking up do?
Going on and on again sorry

Oh the joys of BPD...nothing is ever simple is it?! But gotta laugh or we'd just cry ourselves to death.

All I will say on the relationship front is that sometimes the fear of breaking up is worse than the actuality. Sure it's bl**dy unpleasant and can feel unbearable....but i guess one of the positives of BPD is that once someone has hurt you enough (by breaking up with you and having the damn nerve to get on with their life without you) you can switch them to the black side of your thoughts and it's a lot easier to deal with. I don't have any particular ex-husband who refuses to let me see our children as much as I would like in mind..... If you'd asked me 16 months ago about how I felt if we broke up, I would have been much the same state as yourself...a complete nervous wreck with huge amounts of adrenaline coursing through my body and making me feel sick. But we're just over 12 months separated and it's OK now.....even though I have to see him every week when we pick up and drop off the girls. I still have emotions about him, don't get me wrong, but I have been able to put him to the dark side (so to speak) rather than idolising him in the white light.....sorry if that sounds a bit fanciful but it's late and I really should head to bed. Try not to spend the next few days/weeks/months fearing what might happen - live in the moment as much as you can and work on what YOU need to work on to get yourself back up to a more manageable level. Good luck with it all.....we're here when you need us.