Can Anyone Relate/Understand?

When I think about when I was at my worst; between all the dissociation, hyper-sexuality, the self-abuse and acting out, I feel as though I have gone through a kind of self-inflicted trauma. To put it bluntly, I feel as though I have raped myself.

I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. I do not intend to trivialize sexual abuse. Nor am I necessarily shifting blame to those I interacted with during that time. It’s just when I think about that period in my life, there were often great inner-conflicts and even greater distances between the identities I wrestled with. My sense of shame, self-loathing and disgust are bottomless. Whatever little sense of self I had back then, I think I violated it.

Yes, I can relate. I still feel like I'm horrible when I make a mistake. I try to talk myself up, but deep down, I feel like I'm horrible.

agirlbyanyothername wrote:To put it bluntly, I feel as though I have raped myself.

I don't think you could have described more aptly the effects of rape. The quality of violation is a shared one, and is universal to rape and abuse survivors, self-harmers, and those who have experienced social or cultural violation. Whether internal, external, self-inflicted, or sustained -- the resultant effects (and affects), I think, are analogous to one another.

I don't think you could have done the construct better justice.

You got my pain, perfectly. Eerily. So -- you haven't offended this particular individual. You've helped me get one step closer towards shedding the injury of violation by showing me your identical scars.

I am obliged to you.

Yes, I can relate and understand.

It's one of those unspeakable horrors that never comes up in therapy but should. I really feel like the disgusting feelings surrounding it has changed me.

Thanks. I'm glad I didn't offend anyone or come across as melodramatic. Perhaps I should try verbalizing this to my therapist sometime... not sure if my therapist is the right guy for the job, though.