I don't know how to quiet the demons!!

I am confused and uncertain. I'm nervously walking on eggshells. My demons are screaming my faults out to me. I am boggled over who I am or who I have become. I am drowning in dread over anticipation of erring unforgivably. Yet, I am the happiest person, I've ever been.

That's right!! I am head over heels in love.

She understands me better than anyone I've ever met. She's seen my pathetic attention seeking, manipulative behaviours and has never held them against me. She just hugs me harder and soothes my soul.

And all I believe is that sooner or later I will fcuk this up!! I am certain of it.

But maybe not!! I have shared my darkest secrets. Things I have literally never shared with another person, ever in my entire life. And she remains. This release she allows me, has changed me. I am the most grounded and stable version of Iwoya I have ever been.

But fear of failure constantly haunts me. The shadows whisper this.

How do I quiet the demons? How do I care for her without holding back? I need help!!

I feel exactly the same way with my wife. I don't have an answer.

Someone once said to me in correspondence:

"Having faith is a terrifying thing.

Having faith in God is one of the worst burdens that there can conceivably be. One has to surrender to the concept that there is an invisible force outside of oneself that knows all, does all, and loves you utterly. But I beg another consideration. To have faith in God is terrifying, surely. But there is ease in it, because it is, essentially, unknowable. You can always comfort yourself in the concept that you might be right, even if things seem wrong. It is unprovable!

But I submit that having faith in oneself is the most terrifying concept of all. How can I have faith in something that I know is broken, imperfect, and finite?

After years of soul and reality-searching, the only answer I have to that question is this:

The only thing that I can have faith in is the fact that I am broken, imperfect, and finite. I will fail at the things that I do not want to fail at. I will lose the people that I do not wish to lose. I will let people down. But if I did not do those things, then I would not be who I am. So I am learning to have faith in my horrible self, and the possibility of losing the ones that I love.

But, it is an ugly f!cking struggle. But I am slowly realizing that having fear is the first step towards losing it."

MrEmMak wrote:I feel exactly the same way with my wife. I don't have an answer.

All I can say is you're a fortunate man to have married somebody who makes you feel that way. At the very least, you did that right!!

biitchelectric wrote:After years of soul and reality-searching, the only answer I have to that question is this:

The only thing that I can have faith in is the fact that I am broken, imperfect, and finite. I will fail at the things that I do not want to fail at. I will lose the people that I do not wish to lose. I will let people down. But if I did not do those things, then I would not be who I am. So I am learning to have faith in my horrible self, and the possibility of losing the ones that I love.

But, it is an ugly f!cking struggle. But I am slowly realizing that having fear is the first step towards losing it."

That, my dear BE, is deep!! But I like it. Thank you!!

yeh I don't trust my mind much

do I have a choice how it operates?

actually...now that I've used my mind to think about itself...

it's just a sometimes blunt, sometimes sharp instrument!

stuff it!

.....just have to be MUCH tougher in spirit than some

and I don't care what I or me think about it...I like it!