When Non's Are Complaining

I'm sorry but it's really hard for me to feel sorry for them sometimes.

Like try living with a mental illness day in and out. Knowing there is a huge chance you'll never be cured. It's like having cancer except there isn't really an end at sight.

Being born in a third world country with no one to take care of you. Never seeing your mothers face or barely being feed or held for the first three months of your life. Than being takin into a world where you endure more pain, of physical and sexual abuse. Struggling with health problems. Struggling with loss, identity, trust, depression, meds, doctors, the list goes on but mostly Love.

You don't even know a concept like that existed.

Than being expected to be as everyone else....or as if none of it ever happened.....

The thing is I know this is just life. It's never a pretty picture for anyone. It's full of pain and sometimes it's blissful. Always bitter-sweet. It's never fair either.

But having a mental illness made all of that 1084392849032 times worse. It is just the most painful thing to have.

And it's just really hard to hear from someone with out one say " Your life isn't that hard. "


Yea..ok.


Bless you BPD's. <3 sorry about the rant.

crimsonandclover wrote:And it's just really hard to hear from someone with out one say " Your life isn't that hard. "

Yeah, I agree with this.. It just makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do when someone says this too me.
When I was suicidal and had to go to the hospital, the psychiatrist I saw at the intake started comparing my life to people in concentration camps and the dali lama (i know, wtf??) and telling me that if they can survive then I certainly can too, and that my life is easy compared to theirs.... It made me feel a billion times worse and so guilty for being there....
Gah... people..

Thanks for the post. I generally keep my mouth shut and keep the comments to a minimum because I learn so much from just sitting here and reading what you have to say. However, as a non, I do have to speak on this. I'm not saying you're wrong as much as that there is a broader perspective.

For one, unless you're the type to tell your life's history to everyone you meet for 5 seconds, your typical non doesn't know about the backstory until much time and energy has been invested. Often, there isn't a hint of this during the time where they've known you. I know you aren't trying to bait and switch, because this is the only life you've known. However, seeing something like this come out of nowhere is a bit disconcerting, to say the least. This isn't to say that nons are saints. Heck, many people have run from lesser stuff. What I would say it's pretty unrealistic to not have a reaction. Also, there are a number of people who have been in similar spots who have managed to bounce back. Apparently, there's a part of the population that's just built of tougher mental material. It isn't necessarily fair to compare the two groups. It's like comparing Michael Jordan to the average guy playing basketball at the Y. However, unless someone knows your story chapter and verse, there's no way to compare.

The other big thing I'd mention is that people have their own issues in life. I won't deny that your life stories aren't painful. If I didn't know any better, some of the stuff I've seen on this board, from my own BPD wife and from other people with BPD I've met in person sounds like this sick humor of a fevered mind. That said, when someone has to focus their energy on someone else's pain while ignoring their day-to-day struggles, or even their own deeper issues, it's draining. Some of the reactions I see from nons can be flat out foolish, and they should be called on it. However, not taking care of yourself for an extended period of time for any reason is painful, and unfortunately, not everyone knows how to deal with that pain. Doing that while taking care of the pain of someone that either doesn't acknowledge that the pain is there, or refuses to deal with the source, can do a number to someone's psyche.

My advice is to not worry about the nons and own your part of things. Of course, the nons have to do likewise, and I've had to own my part of the issues in the marriage. Unfortunately, you have never had anyone take care of you or have been shown how to take care of yourself. That said, in order to function, it's incumbent on you to learn how to take care of yourself and your issues. Whatever happens to the rest of the world is their problem.

crimsonandclover wrote:And it's just really hard to hear from someone with out one say " Your life isn't that hard. "

I accept that there are people who are worse off than me, but I hate being told that I need to thing of people in worse situations- just makes me feel guilty that I feel so depressed for no reason at all and that no matter what I do it just won't budge.

lilyfairy wrote:
I accept that there are people who are worse off than me, but I hate being told that I need to thing of people in worse situations- just makes me feel guilty that I feel so depressed for no reason at all and that no matter what I do it just won't budge.

Yes, that brings me down sometimes too. Especially when it's the psychiatrist or therapist saying things like that! They of all people should know that a "normal" person has better coping and stress skills than a person with BPD. I believe they mean well, that thinking of people in worse situations helps to motivate them to be more appreciative... but when a BPD is faced with that kind of thinking it induces guilt at not being able to resolve the trauma or emotion fast enough.

For one, unless you're the type to tell your life's history to everyone you meet for 5 seconds, your typical non doesn't know about the backstory until much time and energy has been invested. Often, there isn't a hint of this during the time where they've known you.

Which is why I've cured myself of the habit of saying "Your life can't be that hard" to others. I know my life is hard - I don't know how hard the other person's life is or isn't. I really wish that more people would do that too.

As for psychs and doctors and others involved in the care of people with mental illness, they should absolutely never say that to a patient!

lilyfairy wrote: makes me feel guilty that I feel so depressed for no reason at all

No reason at all? That sounds like exactly the type of invalidation which, when impressed upon a child over an extended period, leads to BPD.

accidental post

HarveyDent wrote:No reason at all? That sounds like exactly the type of invalidation which, when impressed upon a child over an extended period, leads to BPD.

Well, I know there are reasons for it, but it's not an immediate reaction to an event that's just taken place, (as a relatively short depressed reaction is in a "normal" person) it's a reaction to many things that have happened over the space of many years, and the real reasons behind it get lost, confused, totally messed up or sometimes blown out of all proportion in the ridiculously tangled web that is my brain. But yeah- I guess it is invalidating (I'm only just beginning to realise where the invalidation fits with a lot of stuff- invalidation is a term I've only recently learnt). I had my father just recently say in reaction to me being depressed "but we have nothing to be depressed about". Thanks very much- you're basically proving to me that you have absolutely NO IDEA about any of it and that it makes me wonder where you have been for the last 10 years while your daughter tries to live with all this on a daily basis. (I don't come from a broken or abusive family background).

Sorry, I've gone off on a bit of a tangent.

Constantly having your feelings invalidated is a form of abuse. When children are subjected to it long enough, they internalize that voice that tells them their own feelings aren't valid. Next thing you know, they're feeling guilty about being so depressed for no reason at all.