The influence of Mother with BPD on children

I would be grateful if You would share Your opinion or some insights on this:

My mother shows all the signs of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She was raped when she was little, had a weak mother and a cold father. My mother tried to kill herself many times since she was twelve and is suffering from depression constantly. What is interesting is that my younger sister also was treated from depression since she was fourteen. Me and my brother went the other way. We are somewhat cold, detached and incredibly reserved. Although my brother is very controling and maybe despotic he still has a strong sence of morals and I totaly lack it.

I don't feel remorse and although I have emotions they are very very short-lived. There are times when I feel sad or angry and I choose to experience them.(I can stop feeling them instantly if I am interupted by a phone call or anything else).I start feeling terribly sad, almost like it will never end, but the feeling never takes more than three to five minutes. It is like I want to feel those feelings because they are so strong and after they are finished I just wipe my tears and think "that was cool, I should do that again sometime". I think of it as it is an emotional masturbation: it feels strong, it is interesting but certainly not a real thing.

I know I am a bit different on the emotional level, although I prefer being the way I am to the way I see other people are. My question is do You think my emotions are weak because of growing up in a family with some issues or might it be genetically predispositioned? My mother wants us to go to a therapsit to "solve our problems" because she feels I don't love her (I do in my own way but I don't trust her and don't feel related to her). Do You think it could change anything?

Thank You

Hey there, I'm BPD, and I'm a very amateur scholar, so I did a bunch of reading on this. Results below.

Maternal BPD is very strongly correlated with some abnormality in child and adolescent development. (As in maternal depression.)
Namely, children with BPD mothers have a higher (~12%) chance of developing BPD. They also have marked social problems, are more prone to depression, and have lower self-esteem compared to normal and depressed mothers.

Your emotional control is a bit atypical... children of BPD mothers are generally MORE impulsive and have more difficulty controlling their emotions. To a lesser extent, there is role-reversing... acting as the mature, responsible one despite being the child of your parent.

My (totally non-professional) opinion on your emotional disposition is that genetics do have some contribution, but in this case it would be heavily biased towards your exposure to your mother's behavior (depending on the severity of her BPD). I think therapy would be a good idea simply to monitor your own development, especially if you're concerned about your "weak" emotions. It's worth a visit... it's all about changing the behaviors that you want to change. For example, explaining the emotional masturbation thing (great description, btw) wouldn't really incite a therapist to recommend you change unless (a) you wanted it to change or (b) it was dangerous to you or others.

(I understand you not wanting therapy to change you... but it really doesn't have that kind of powerful, fictionalized "brainwashing" effect... if it did, therapy would be a hell of a lot more effective in solving people's problems, but as it is, it takes years, and you have to be actively seeking that change, IMO.)

I browsed some lit for you. PM me if you need copies of these papers.

Development in Children and Adolescents Whose Mothers Have Borderline Personality Disorder
Representations of the caregiver–child relationship and of the self, and emotion regulation in the narratives of young children whose mothers have borderline personality disorder
Maternal borderline personality disorder symptoms and adolescent psychosocial functioning

Genetics plays a strong part in setting temperament, which can often be the only thing that is required to 'give' someone BPD. But the environment in which you then grow up also plays a strong part. With my own children I am very (hyper) aware of making sure they feel loved, learn that as long as they do their best that will be enough for me etc etc....if you have the genes for BPD and are also brought up in an invalidating household, then you're screwed basically.....

SO, given your family's history and the things you've said about them.....I would suggest you jump at the chance to see a therapist. From your descriptions, you could quite easily have a PD of your own, but I'm not knowledgeable about anything other than BPD really....but I wouldn't say you fit BPD yourself, probably more antisocial (sorry).

What I'm trying to say is that being brought up in a house where mental illhealth is apparent (and your mother trying to kill herself a lot counts) is going to mess up a kids head. throw in the likely genetic factors and you've got issues.....throw in other aspects of life and you have even more issues.

By the way - just because your mother was raped does not mean that's why she's developed BPD. Sure, traumatic events can help trigger it, but her underlying genetics had to be such as to make it that way. Not everyone with BPD had a trauma in their past - just an invalidating childhood...it annoys me when people assume there needs to be some massive trauma to set it off.....there's not. In my view genetics has a heck of a lot to answer for.

isoko49 do You have BPD? If You do, I understand You try to give all the love You can to Your children, but what do You do when You can't control your PD?

isoko49 wrote:....if you have the genes for BPD and are also brought up in an invalidating household, then you're screwed basically.....

Ha, made me smile

And talking about being antisocial I have strong tendencies for sure and that is the reason why I doubt the therapy would be effective. I have seen some therapists when I was a child and I couldn't be honest with them. In fact I was disgusted by how emotional and simpleminded they were. I imagine the only way I could be cooperative is if the therapist would intrigue me enough with his thoughts. I guess it is worth a try then...

As for my mother trying to kill herself, that is a common thing in my family. The difference is she didn't succeeded. And she didn't tried to do that because of the rape, in fact she couldn't remember that she was raped at all till her early thirties, she said she just hated herself. Only after a long therapy her memories came back about that rape. That is really interesting how the mind works.

littleslip wrote:Your emotional control is a bit atypical... children of BPD mothers are generally MORE impulsive and have more difficulty controlling their emotions. To a lesser extent, there is role-reversing... acting as the mature, responsible one despite being the child of your parent.

You are actually right, she was always the child and I was an adult, taking care of her and my brother and sister (my father works a lot and is distant though very nice). And I do protect them as they are my family. I am not sure if I love them though. At least not the way other people love as I am not interested if they get hurt by me or themselves. I simply wouldn't allow anyone outside the family to hurt them. I would see it as an insult I guess.

Yep I have BPD....I have only been 8 months out of hospital after a short 2 and a half year stay (I'd have got less time for committing a crime!) LOL

My children are still very young (they will soon be 4 and 6) so they don't understand exactly what happened or what goes on now. When I am tired or have had things upset me during the day, I do find myself getting stroppy or wound up about things. I get anxious when they start making too much of a mess or spill juice - things like that. But I notice myself getting snippy with them and I apologise. I have told them that if I get annoyed with them then they are allowed to tell me "mummy you're getting cross". I am blessed because they are very good girls and it's not often that I genuinely have to get cross with them.....I try to talk to them as much as possible about emotions and why I am sometimes sad or angry or tired. Hopefully they will grow up with a good understanding of their own emotions and feel validated.

I think I am at a point in my recovery where I will not completely blow my stack with them...or if I did there would be enough self-control left to phone their dad or someone else to come and help me out. I've had to do that once or twice when I was run down and just couldn't manage. I don't have them with me very often (working up to 50:50 custody but it's a slow process) so I don't know how well I will cope when I have to get up early in the morning for school etc....but I think the key for me is understanding that I have BPD and accepting my limitations. Therapy has helped me so much in the last 2 years. 3 years ago I was in hospital under constant observations and awaiting ECT after a 3rd suicide attempt. I was in no state to look after my children. But after 3 years seeing a psychologist plus 2 years of DBT-style therapy and something called Behavioural Activation (which helps me get on with things despite my depression) I have the skills in place to manage my emotional reactionjs to some extent. I just need to avoid too much stress so I may discover that work and me do not get on.....but at least now I understand WHY I may start the day OK and end up suicidal because my boss asks me to do something unexpected (that has happened in the past!). It's all about balance in your life and filling it with things you value.

As for your assumption that therapy will not help you - how do you know for sure? When you saw them in the past, that was the past. If you do feel ASPD is something you might have, there is a forum. You can maybe chat to some people there and see what helps them. The key to therapy though is WANTING to make your life better for YOU. If you don't want to change and don't see the point in changing they you'd just be wasting everyones time. But if there are aspects of your life that bother you, those are things that CAN be worked on.

Yeah... I am not really interested in You, I just needed an answer. And I asked about Your kids because I believe in good manners. But that is just too boring, sorry.

As for ASPD forum, I prefer it to others, but most of the time it seems like a kindergarden...

How charming.....

I strongly suspect that my stepchildren's mother has borderline personality disorder, and the oldest stepchild shows the same signs of cold, distant, unemotional behavior that you've described in yourself. It is my belief that I am witnessing the first stages of borderline personality disorder being developed. I say "developed" because psychologist do not believe that a person's personality is fully formed until late teens.

That being said, I think you should seriously consider therapy. If not for the burgeoning stages of borderline personality disorder, maybe to find out why you are so hostile.

Amelie9 , no need to be rude to people who have been considerate enough to post in this thread.
This is a support forum, so please try and be kind.
One

Amelie9 wrote:Yeah... I am not really interested in You, I just needed an answer. And I asked about Your kids because I believe in good manners. But that is just too boring, sorry.

As for ASPD forum, I prefer it to others, but most of the time it seems like a kindergarden...

You do this thread, this site and it's peoples a disservice by being so rude to someone who is reaching out to you as YOU asked. If you can not treat your fellow posters with courtesy and respect then please refrain from posting here ever. If you truly want advice then you will placate yourselves to those offering and always be subjective and thankful to those who open up to you.

-- Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:24 pm --

isoko49 wrote:Yep I have BPD....I have only been 8 months out of hospital after a short 2 and a half year stay (I'd have got less time for committing a crime!) LOL

My children are still very young (they will soon be 4 and 6) so they don't understand exactly what happened or what goes on now. When I am tired or have had things upset me during the day, I do find myself getting stroppy or wound up about things. I get anxious when they start making too much of a mess or spill juice - things like that. But I notice myself getting snippy with them and I apologise. I have told them that if I get annoyed with them then they are allowed to tell me "mummy you're getting cross". I am blessed because they are very good girls and it's not often that I genuinely have to get cross with them.....I try to talk to them as much as possible about emotions and why I am sometimes sad or angry or tired. Hopefully they will grow up with a good understanding of their own emotions and feel validated.

I think I am at a point in my recovery where I will not completely blow my stack with them...or if I did there would be enough self-control left to phone their dad or someone else to come and help me out. I've had to do that once or twice when I was run down and just couldn't manage. I don't have them with me very often (working up to 50:50 custody but it's a slow process) so I don't know how well I will cope when I have to get up early in the morning for school etc....but I think the key for me is understanding that I have BPD and accepting my limitations. Therapy has helped me so much in the last 2 years. 3 years ago I was in hospital under constant observations and awaiting ECT after a 3rd suicide attempt. I was in no state to look after my children. But after 3 years seeing a psychologist plus 2 years of DBT-style therapy and something called Behavioural Activation (which helps me get on with things despite my depression) I have the skills in place to manage my emotional reactionjs to some extent. I just need to avoid too much stress so I may discover that work and me do not get on.....but at least now I understand WHY I may start the day OK and end up suicidal because my boss asks me to do something unexpected (that has happened in the past!). It's all about balance in your life and filling it with things you value.

As for your assumption that therapy will not help you - how do you know for sure? When you saw them in the past, that was the past. If you do feel ASPD is something you might have, there is a forum. You can maybe chat to some people there and see what helps them. The key to therapy though is WANTING to make your life better for YOU. If you don't want to change and don't see the point in changing they you'd just be wasting everyones time. But if there are aspects of your life that bother you, those are things that CAN be worked on.

I know you know this but please accept my apologies for Amelie. I found her comments so infuriating and insenstive. You know that that is NOT how we treat each other onthis forum. Thank you for your candor and ability to attempt to share your story with someone.