Relationship Venting

Our relationship is awful sometimes. We have wonderful times together, but we 'fight', mostly me getting upset with him over seemingly trivial things while he becomes more and more confused, and I get sick of him extremely easily, to the point where I demand to sleep alone, ask him to leave, etc, then act panicked when he hints that he might, then demand that he leave again out of fear that I'm going to be left without it being under my control, then get more panicked and confused and distressed and start weeping uncontrollably. All of this can happen in the SAME DAY. Sometimes I feel terrified when he has to leave for something as normal as school. We're probably unhealthily close--as much by his doing as mine.

Whenever we're separated, he becomes the one who acts distant and uninterested. He's very bad at checking in even once a day, and I have to smoke endlessly to deal with the stressing thought that he might leave me for months at a time during an extended break, for example. Other signs he might not care: not volunteering for simple, easy chores even after I work my ass off to feed and wait on him, refusing to look up information on BPD even though I've told him gently that it might help somewhat if he understood more of where I was coming from, general thoughtlessness when I'm in need (I could be sick for days without him doing something as simple as fetching a glass of water or going to the grocery store for food--he'd do it if asked insistently, I suppose).

I don't know if I love him, a lot of the time. Occasionally I think about cheating on him, for reasons I don't fully understand. I've gone so far as to write Craigslist ads for anonymous sex just to see if anyone would respond, but I'm so cut up I doubt I'd appeal to anyone and that would be an absolutely abhorrent thing to do to a very kind person in any case. Sometimes it just seems like we're tied together by mental illness--his PTSD/#######5 childhood and my depression and BPD--both of which lead to us needing someone else to be like a stable, trustworthy family member, and putting up with a lot of mild abuse to make ourselves think we have that.

That's it, I suppose. If anyone can identify with any part of this (especially the not-so-pretty parts), please, please tell me--most of the time I feel like I'm infecting what could be a stable relationship with my unstable codependent unfaithful #######4, and like I should probably just break up with him to save him further suffering.

To be honest, I would not be with a guy who I have to repeatedly ask to get me a glass of water or go get some groceries when I'm sick. Asking once - I can understand that, no one is a mind-reader. But to have to ask repeatedly for simple, basic things when sick is not something I personally could handle.

It doesn't sound like a stable relationship at all, from both of you. I was in a relationship with a particular guy for quite some time, and we both made each other sicker. I was demanding and needy; he was looking for someone to fix. It doesn't work well when both people in a relationship find that their ill sides fit properly together.

When you are in a relationship with someone who does care for you (be it this particular guy or another), then you need to work on your thoughts. You need to find ways to remember that he does care for you, even when he's not there to say that.

When hubby and I fight, it's sometimes hard for me to remember that he loves me and isn't going to leave me over one fight. So when my head starts saying that it's all over, that he can't stand me anymore and he's going to pack up and leave, I remind myself that it's not true. It helps to have other facts to back that up - I can tell myself that he says he loves me all the time, he says he won't leave me and he hasn't left me over our previous fights, things like that which are facts and evidence that he won't abandon me.