Letting go of that last control. . . .

So. . . . . .

I've gone from fretting every little thing people said and did to pretty much letting a lot of the control go. I can go to work, and people could not talk to me for 2 months, and literally, I wouldn't care. It would hurt a little bit, in the moments (and sometimes it still does if I'm left out) but it doesn't spiral. A week or two ago, I had a little mis-step with the inlaws, but I learned from that too. I haven't been around them for several months really so I was still working through that part of it.

I still have some of that insecurity. It actually gets better every time I experience rejection. It's an opportunity for me to feel even more OK with myself. But it's not gone and it was hiding on me in my home life. I had it hid behind a good intention, but behind many good intentions can be selfish motives. In this case, it's my hidden need to feel accepted, you know, the one that I allowed to destroy my life pretty much. Yeah, well it's still there, I don't think it's nearly as severe, but it's still there. In personality disorder terms, you could call me Dependent I suppose (and one psychologist did.) Oh, and now that I'm on the subject, I think that's why the inlaws can get to me a little more than the people at work. First I was closer to them, but maybe most importantly, now that I'm really contemplating it, I fear they can divide my family.

So I'm still putting too much of my emotional well being in the hands of other people. In this case, my wife and kids. I don't want to go to bed unless she's happy. I don't like being alone, etc. . . .

So here's my last letting go. From this point forward, I do what feels natural to me. If I feel hurt, I'll feel it, not think, act on it, be myself. I'll recognize where the most hurtful feelings are coming from (usually that strong need to be accepted) and I'll be able to self sooth in a new way. I'm a dad and a husband. I'm not perfect. I can only do my best with each step. In order for this to work for me, I have to accept the worst possibility right off the bat. I have to accept that it might not work out. With every action here forward, I'll be myself, no matter the result. Oh, and my wife stuck by me through the worst, something tells me this will work out.

Wish me luck. Hopefully I'm not here in 3 months crying like a borderline baby cuz my wife divorced me.

MrEmMak wrote:So. . . . . .

Wish me luck. Hopefully I'm not here in 3 months crying like a borderline baby cuz my wife divorced me.

...well MrEmMak,...thats an easy one

I wish you luck in excess

but..also

I believe you have a heck of alot more goin' for ya'!.