PTSD, Grief and Triggers

I mentioned in a post last week that I was having some issues dealing with my trip home to Canada to visit my family. Because of reasons that were then unclear to me, I was unsure as to why the whole idea of traveling to my native country had me spinning... Not just nervous, but terrified.

I went into therapy yesterday determined to figure out why I was so deathly afraid of going home... And when it was explained and looked into a little bit, it made perfect sense.

Let me back up a step. My life in Canada was incredibly stressful, and I endured some really tough times growing up and in my first marriage when I was barely 20 years old. When I moved here to the US, I tried to just leave all the 'baggage' behind, and start a new life. Of course it doesn't work that way. And the older I get, without dealing with the triggers from the past, the harder my recovery will be. After giving my therapist some detailed background information, and breaking down into tears several times, he was able to communicate what was going on. (I also have a teenaged sister who is going through the same issues with our mom as I did, and every time we talk I get pulled back into those old feelings and frustions.) My therapist said that it was very likely that because I didn't deal with the past trauma, I was re-experiencing the old trauma all over again every time I deal with my little sister's pain. When I began to describe how it felt when I talked to my sister and heard the abuse she has to deal with, I broke down in sobs and said I ' feel like I get sucked right back into the whole thing and the feelings get so overwhelming.' I sat and cried as my therapist handed me tissues. Where did this pain come from? I left home 15 years ago, when I was 17, so why did things still upset me so much? My therapist said that was a classic PTSD response... I've read that PTSD can lead to BPD, or rather, BPD is a form of PTSD. I haven't researched much on post traumatic stress, but that certainly makes perfect sense.

My therapist also asked for some additional background, since he only knew about my life as a married woman, being that he was our marriage counselor before he ever took me in. So, I gave him a brief run down of my life after I left home for college, and the things that happened leading up to my first disasterous marriage. One of those things was something I have left buried since the day after it happened. I was a freshman in college, and I was out celebrating with some friends because my finals were done. I remember drinking my first couple of drinks (I had a HUGE tolerance to alcohol back then, after all, part of college was the partying and drinking age back home is 18) and then, the night is a blur. From the time I finished that second drink, all I remember is being in a some guy's bed, thinking I was going to lose my virginity (I was 18). Everything else was a black out. When I woke up the next morning, I was in a stranger's t shirt and did NOT recognize the man sleeping next to me. I saw a condom wrapper on the floor, but couldn't see the condom. Talk about a feeling of panic. I got out of there as fast as possible, and went to a very good friend for advice. I was scared shitless, and we decided the best thing to do was see a doctor. Unfortunately, they wanted to do a rape kit on me, and I refused out of fear.

When I told this story to my therapist, he said very matter of factly, ' You were probably raped. It sounds like a classic reaction to the date rape drug.' More sobs from me... I always knew that was likely what happened, but hearing it had a huge impact on me. The secret was out, and now I have to deal with buried feelings from 14 years ago...

Ok, to the point of this post...I realize now why I am so reluctant to go home- I have never dealt with anything from my past. Be it issues with my not so sane mother, being bullied at school, my first marriage, joining a cult, my college years- none of it has been properly dealt with so that I can move on. I've just been pushing it all down and letting it affect me subconciously, and dealing with the ramifications of extreme avoidance. Now comes the hard part. Dealing with this crap. I was told I needed to start letting myself grieve everything, which is something that feels very foriegn to me. To me, grief is what you experience when someone dies...

I guess I'm just curious if anyone else has their own correlation between PTSD and BPD. I'd also like to know how you deal with situations that make you want to jump out of your skin- ie) dealing with an event from your past that makes you feel like a crumbling mess... What do you do with the feelings that get triggered? And how has anyone grieved their past? I am clueless about what real grieving is, and wikipedia doesn't really help me understand. So can anyone here help?

...........I'm going to have a go.....



there is obviously HEAPS of pressure on yourself going home, presenting yourself to these people that I guess you want them to see you at your best.

FACT, you are not at your best! and what the? lots of people are NEVER at their best. It hurts knowing we are inadequate and all the evidence we need is in our minds and in our memories.

You are returning to a place where many of these memories formed and became an identity.

ptsd and bpd can ride in the same car.
ptsd can display all bpd symptoms and they will and they go together. Any pain that is above threshold will introduce our very own little back-up system. This groovy little system will flash little lights and blow whistles every time something associated with the ORIGINAL pain arrives.

It is a BEAUTIFUL self preserving but naively mechanical feature of us as people. It is the little girl trying to protect you....
...And you are a woman now....let the little girl do her thing and let the woman love the little girl... she is, after all, just frightened.
you and the little girl are the same. what you are feeling is nothing to be scared more about. Life is about making mistakes and sometimes about mistakes being made to us. the mistakes made to us...these ones we are NOT prepared for EVER. Your fears have credibility. It was NEVER your fault miss-taken. you are pure and beautiful and only tainted by sadness. It is possible to love your future, and accept your past.

...miss-taken...I am so sorry...I kinda feel that I just winged it' there. I did read you post and i did feel compassion and I wanted you to feel OK!.. I just don't know if I made any sense. I don't mind lookin' silly I just don't want you to think you were not special enough to at least try.

Sometimes I don't know. but thats ok

I hope you go ok...(thats probly good enuff)

from Australia with love

noname, I was touched by your post. Made lots of sense to me, and I think you winging it resulted in an honest and to the point response. Cried a bit afterwards, thinking about the little girl that you spoke of because it's so true. But no need for apologies!!

...cryin' is our very own soothing.

the tears blur our eyes but they make us see clearly. x

..I am touched by your generous reply.

Be safe lady... look after the little girl inside you. She is there to let you know whats goin' on...

She was the one that was there FIRST.

You can trust her.

She needs you now.x

miss_taken wrote:I've read that PTSD can lead to BPD, or rather, BPD is a form of PTSD. I haven't researched much on post traumatic stress, but that certainly makes perfect sense.

I think it's a pretty much given fact that Borderline symptoms are a developmental coping strategy of the autonomous nervous system for past trauma. But I think it spreads much wider than that and encompasses many more "disorders".

If you want to understand this concept better then look in to developmental psychology.

brief interuption. sorry. sent Simon A(tt)wood a message