Social Life: Do I want it?

I am terribly bifurcated when it comes to my social life and developing friendships. There are friends I keep in touch with minimally through Facebook and occasional texts, but I'm referring more to real life interactions. I do find myself lonely for friendship and wish to socialize more, yet at the same time I find the idea exhausting and lose interest the moment I attempt to make it reality.

I can't tell whether making social contact simply isn't that important to me right now or whether I'm just being lazy/sabotaging myself. I do maintaining friendships to be exhaustive and I worry that I won't be able to give as much as I should; I want to avoid making friends with someone only to have that relationship fade into nothingness and thus feeling like a failure. I guess my problem is that I don't know what I want or how to even tackle this.

Yes, I feel the same way. I know that I'm introverted and that's partly why it exhausts me, but I think I use a LOT of energy trying to keep my BPD stuff under control when interacting with others... and that makes it difficult and tiring.

Wish I had advice. I know that I want a social life, and it hurts me that I don't have one, but what's involved (meeting new people, maintaining and building friendships) is just too much to deal with and I don't know how to do it.

agirlbyanyothername wrote:I am terribly bifurcated when it comes to my social life and developing friendships. yet at the same time I find the idea exhausting and lose interest the moment I attempt to make it reality.

the owls wrote:Yes, I feel the same way. I know that I'm introverted and that's partly why it exhausts me, but I think I use a LOT of energy trying to keep my BPD stuff under control when interacting with others... and that makes it difficult and tiring.

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Had to look up 'bifurcated'...what an amazing word, does the job to!

My bpd has sent me all over the place....moving dozens of times and something like 55 jobs over the years...always having to start 'friendships' or whatever they are ...from scratch. I agree how tiring socializing is.

I also like people at the times when the sky clears above my own self loathing. Somehow I get so drawn into other peoples 'selves' and their 'lives'...I end up completely losing myself. Then there usually follows a crisis of some description, and I'm right back to the start.

Seems only natural for me to choose the alternative and settle for being in my own company...but that also can be a drag!

A couple years ago I became rather outgoing and socialized quite a bit. Unfortunately I was also partying a lot, drinking a lot and was more or less psychotic. So the one time in my life that I was really good at chatting people up, I was also out of my mind and very bad with setting boundaries. I seem to have returned to my previous state of being shy, highly uncomfortable and insecure. So as much as I want to laugh and party and have fun, I also find the whole ordeal extremely awkward.

Perhaps if I were still into drinking and staying up late this wouldn’t be such an issue; but neither of those things interest me. Without alcohol to loosen me up and the party scene to provide a distraction, I feel utterly lost.

I signed up to volunteer at some Lung Cancer Walk next weekend. I don’t know anyone there and because I know I’m going to become flustered, I’m going to find it difficult to follow instructions. I worry that I’m going to get in the way and not be any help at all. I’m considering just backing out now. Blargh.

...hey "agirlbyanyothername".
thats a damn valid concern...Yeh and I hear ya. Take away the universal social fluid of comfort and what are we/they left with.

My entire lifes interactions have developed from some kind of substance ( except when I was a lad obviously).

I had to remove all that to get better.

During that process I also volunteered at various places, homeless shelters, drug units and the like.

DONT worry, ok. The other people that VOLUNTEER at these events and stuff are real nice down to earth people. guaranteed. and sometimes you meet the best people. don't worry

Thanks nonameatall; funny how we both went the no-name route. I already panicked and backed out of volunteering. I will probably try again another time. I'm just so uncomfortable with myself - especially when it comes to taking directions. I require...special attention.

I have to identify a lot with what the owls was saying above. I'm 28 and would love to have a social life and date, but trying to keep the BPD stuff under wraps is so hard that I become too focused on that and forget to enjoy being social.

And people who last long enough to figure out this side of me usually freak out, think i'm nuts and bail.

Talk about lonely.