Hello Friends, I am new to a GF with BPD

by **Metalfan4158** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 5:11 pm

I never push her and I am sweet all the time lol she says thats one of the things she likes about me. Do you go on aim or anything? maybe email? Its interesting to talk to someone else that has similar expieriences, you know, like a inside look kinda thing. i would appreciate all the help i can get. I love her so much I dont want to lose her and the boards help, but dont show many positives for me

my aim is Metalfan036 I think...ill have to check. do you use an IM?

the thing I find is that I cant predict what she is thinking. With her having BPD I feel unsure about everything because the solid foundation in other relationships isnt there. I do feel alone most of the time and i cant talk to anyone because im sure she doesnt want me to tell the world she has BPD and my family wont understand. i really dont have any alternatives to find help with simple things...you know?

by **mick11** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 5:44 pm

I have mixed feeling on if this can work or not. I have a very good friend who suffers from this and is on meds and sees a therapist. She and her husband have been together over 20 years and will be together for another 20 years easy. I feel that if someone is on correct meds, communicates openly with their partner about their feelings, and has a very understanding partner that sets boundaries, they can make it work.

Being a doormat, like I was, does not help your partner. It actually feeds the bad as the feel they can continue the abusiveness. You can be nice and set boundaries as well. If they are being mean you can nicely ask them to stop as it hurts you. If it continues, you walk away. Eventually, it won't happen as often. I have been in therapy for a year now because of being a doormat for so long, so don't do it. Make sure you are taking care of yourself first before you help them. If you aren't good, you can't help anyone including your GF and soon baby.

Talk to your GF's mom and ask her how she helps calm down her daughter. You can learn to help her as well. Her mom won't be there forever, but you will be.

Continue seeking therapy. It will only do good.

My situation was way different than yours. My partner (14 years) didn't/doesn't know she suffers from this, but knows something isn't right. I didn't know of this condition, so I did everything wrong. I do feel bad that things ended up in divorce, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a lot happier to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't suffer from this.

I hope that you succeed and have a great life together. It is possible for a long relationship if you both work at it. You just have to work harder than most.

by **Metalfan4158** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 5:53 pm

Thank you for your input

I find it encouraging to hear of your friends together for 20 years so far. It isnt easy but it makes me have hope that its not impossible. Her and I do compramise often so im not at the doormat stage yet. She is not abusive, and listens to what I say for the most part. I think If I could just learn to interact with her better it will make a world of a difference. Little things bother me sometimes and talking to her I feel like sometimes I don’t get a straight answer, or maybe an answer isnt very convincing…Its hard to learn to trust being so early in the relationship but I understand that I have to.

by **Metalfan4158** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:31 pm

Ok I edited my AIM SN from my last post

My AIM SN is

Metalfan036

I appreciate input that’s positive and supportive. Even negative comments will be acknowledged but please don’t write like “ITS HOPELESS! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!” because I’ve seen a lot of that.

by **biitchelectric** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:35 pm

The only thing that works with me in relationships is being completely, painfully open. I tell my partner EVERYTHING that goes through my head. And a lot of it ends up getting understood as coming from a place of irrational fear. If a BPD man or woman has a partner that is willing to listen; to truly listen -- and the BPD woman or man themselves is willing to speak; to truly communicate, then a relationship between a BPD individual and a Non is perfectly attainable.

When I 'filled away' my insecurities, frantic fear of abandonment, and self-hatred away from my partner, the relationship became very troubled. A lot of my silence became misconstrued as a lack of affection and a lack of honesty. My issues with physical intimacy always stemmed from my issues of self-hatred and lack of self-worth. If you honestly want to start working on these issues with your partners, gentlemen, then you need to be willing to listen, and you need to be honest about yourself in return. It will be very hard, and very scary. It may, at times, seem like it is not worth it.

But with my partner's incredible strength, patience, and willingness to listen to what I say instead of react to it, the relationship has become, dare I say, beautiful.

* * * *

Just as an aside, I am finding this curious -- both of you seem to be indicating that sex is the indicator of whether she finds your presence in the relationship desirable. Sex seems to be the gauge with which you value the relationship's shelf-life. May I ask why this is the case? Is it similar with most men?

(Which I realize is a VERY loaded question, and if you don't answer it, I understand. It is not my intention to hijack the thread with gender rhetoric).

by **Metalfan4158** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:41 pm

Thanks for your response.

The reason why the sex thing came up is because without any other sense of affection, sex is the only thing left that makes me feel loved. Im not a selfish pig or anything. I feel just as good when she puts her arm around me and tells me she loves me…the problem is she never really does. The sex is all I have left to get an idea of how she feels about it as strange as it seems. Without the sex part, the relationship would be comparable to roommates sometimes. Theres no hugs, kisses, cuddles, she pulls away even I just kiss her before I go to work early in the morning.

by **biitchelectric** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:48 pm

Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining that so well.

All I can do to attempt to guide you, then, is use my own experience with the fear of intimacy. When I have shrunk away from physical touch, it ALWAYS comes from the place in my head that says: "You're disgusting. You're worthless. You're not worth the pleasure of this. Anyone else would be better for my partner than I am".

Your GF might not even, at this point in time, be aware that is what she is feeling when she pulls away from you. But I'm willing to bet everything I own that it is part of what is going on. The only fix, in my mind and experience, is honesty. Painful, wretched honesty, that, in the beginning, may feel like lies and manipulation on the behalf of you both. But it truly is the only way forward.

You need to tell her, without anger, how all of this is making you feel. Don't make it an attack. Just tell her how you're feeling. And ask her to tell you the same.

by **Metalfan4158** » Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:14 pm

She does tell me often things like “Wow look at how fat I am” and once or twice it was “You don’t have to stay with me if you don’t want to” I felt almost insulted.

I reassure her that I love everything about her. I tell her that she is extremely attractive and that’s why I want to be loveable all the time. And in all honesty what I say is true, that’s how I feel about her. I tell her constantly that she looks cute, beautiful, adorable, and I buy her lots of stuff and spoil the crap out of her because she is everything to me. She was self consious about sex too and I assured her that she is really good at it lol. TMI i know

by **crimsonandclover** » Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:14 am

sunking101 wrote:I am a non and I too experience this lack of affection you talk of. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be the loneliest thing in the world. I feel starved of affection, unloved and abandoned for a huge part of my week.

Like you say, for the first few months the affection, sex and love was so strong from her that I felt a million dollars. Then she started getting argumentative, controlling, withdrawing sex, showing me no affection, refusing to compromise, doing exactly what she wanted even if she knew it hurt me etc.

Whenever I attempted to explain to her how I was feeling, she'd just say I was 'needy' or childish. These BPD women create 'needy' men because of the way they treat us. If we were given the usual and normal amount of love and affection we're entitled to, then we wouldn't go searching for it. We pine for what *should* be there, we need it and we crave it.

As for the sex thing, you're lucky that you can attribute that to pregnancy hormones. My BPD partner comes to me for a kiss and a cuddle when *she* wants it...which is infrequent. She comes to me for sex when *she* wants it...which is even more infrequent. Usually she only wants sex when she's drunk! If I try to initiate it at *any* time I am rebuffed, we only have sex when she initiates it. BPD women in my experience are very selfish and don't respect or give a damn about their partner's needs. Blame it on the illness but the end result to nons is pure and unadulterated emotional abuse.

I also hear what you say regarding avoiding conversations. If I want to discuss something and it doesn't fit-in with her requirements, she will blank it. If I walk on eggshells constantly, don't pull her up on the lack of affection & sex, don't criticise her at all, let her do exactly what she wants, accept the blame for *everything* and basically act like a complete doormat, then the relationship is 'ok' for her. The trouble is, how can anyone sustain such a relationship?

I am madly in love with my BPD partner but a growing increasingly fearful for my own sanity!

WHATEVER all I wanna do is have sex and cuddle with my non and he just wants to hang out and be boring. We use to have great sex but ever since we broke up and did so much fighting all the time we only have sex usually 1 or 2 times a night.

I am the needy one in the relationship, he NEVER wants me around it feels like. He use to be so needy and nice to me and than ever since he saw my darker side, he got sick of my $#%^ and became an asshole. He still loves me and is with me but it isn't feel like it was. I've been trying to get that before love back for 2 years now......!!!!!!!!

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