Hello Friends, I am new to a GF with BPD

Hello, My name is Josh. I am 25 and started dating a girl with BPD (since November of 2010). I love her dearly and she is everything to me. 6 months later we find that we are expecting a baby boy due in November. This is my first child and her second.

My commitment to her is great. I do everything I can for her. She told me about her BPD and I didn’t understand it. I read a book she let me borrow and I passed it off as a simple disorder not knowing what was fully involved. It wasn’t until I observed her interactions with her parents, me, and others that I realized that something was a little different in the way she processes things.

Here's what I’m looking at:

1)fast paced relationship since we started. We moved in together after only 2 months of dating.

2)Junior is on the way, so commitment is obligated at this point (although I don’t think of it this way because it was never an issue before because I love her to death)

3)Pregnancy is added and hormonal irregularities amplify my perception of her behavior. (with any given incident, is it the result of hormones? bpd? is it because i dont know her well enough? Is it because pregnancy shifted her meds and she is getting used to new ones or changing from old ones?)

What drives me through this is that I am extremely committed, persistent, and she is worth it all to me.

Yes she was professionally diagnosed with BPD.
Yes she is on medication and she is in therapy for herself.
And Yes we are soon starting another therapy/counseling together to help us with our relationship.

When I moved in with her from my apartment I moved away from friends that now don’t care to even bother with me at all. So I find that I need someone to talk to that understands the BPD. Her parents understand it but I am a respectful individual and that stops me from conversing with her parents because topics like sex and arguments and things like that come up. I guess I need someone to talk to to help me understand her way of thinking so I can change myself to make a life for both of us. I need advice from someone in my position or a similar one to help me keep our relationship sound. For now I find myself popping klonopin to cope with (her) bpd/pregnancy/stress/being a new father/ and so on.






I have researched BPD and I find so many bad experiences. It certainly doesn’t look good but I am persistent and I love her dearly so I want to do anything to make this work. From what I understand now, before she met me she was much worse. Now that she has had help and therapy with medications she is much better. Almost normal in fact (most of the time). I have started a journal to keep track of events and issues and how I feel with our relationship and I think this may help with the therapy/counselors.


The issues that come up usually stem from me. I am a loveable kinda guy. I like cuddling and I try to find that something from my SO that tells me that she loves me. As you all know, these are scarce with someone with BPD. She often wants nothing to do with me and she hates hugs and kisses and all that (even though little things like that mean a lot to me).

She is a stay at home mom and I work first shift. When I get home from work I do my best to make arrangements for dinner for her, making sure she is comfortable, and now that she’s pregnant I find myself constantly rubbing her feet and back.

Anyways…I feel that I miss out on the lovable-ness from non-BPD partners I’ve dated before. I understand now that she is kinda oblivious to exactly what it takes from her SO to care for her. I certainly don’t mean to offend anyone here Im just saying there is some extra effort involved. I don’t judge and Im happy to do it for her.

So here’s what I see on an average night:

I come home from work and we make conversation of our days and what’s happening in our lives. I make/arrange for dinner and we eat. Then usually we go to the bedroom where she watches TV and I play computer games or whatever and watch TV with her. Still in conversation we talk about family and message boards. She will ask and I will rub her feet for 15 to 30 minutes and she usually falls asleep. I go to bed about an hour after to give her a head start so I don’t wake her getting into bed.

When I met her, sex was insane! We did it like every night for almost 3 months and it was heavenly. I had NO stress, nothing bothered me, I walked into work and owned it, then came home and cooked and cleaned like a champ lol…Then she felt sick (pregnant) and lost her sex drive. Even now we try every so often and she ends up throwing up afterwards. Tonight actually we tried and she tossed her cookies as soon as her clothes hit the floor. But I understand. It sucks being on a dry spell with so much on my shoulders, but I know its not a walk in the park for her either and she felt bad that she couldn’t take care of me tonight like she wanted to. I appreciated her wanting time with me and rubbed her feet for her more (lol she loves that).

When I go to work I think about what’s going on and sometimes it gets the best of me. Its because I think about it too much. I think that maybe she is faking our relationship because of the lack of loveable-ness. Sometimes I try to think of ways to make her want to be more intimate and lovey with me. When I get home and she is here in front of me I feel much more relaxed. She has a way of relieving tension and thus avoiding potential arguments…This also gets annoying because she sometimes can use it to dodge some communication points I try to make to her.

I love my GF so much, and leaving her is the farthest thing from my mind. But it is difficult for both of us. I understand now that my needs as far as a loveable cuddly spouse is out the window because I am almost sure that’s not going to change. But she didn’t ask to have BPD - I know this…

I hope to read things from you guys and hopefully there’s good here too.

I appreciate you reading my story so far.

I am a non and I too experience this lack of affection you talk of. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be the loneliest thing in the world. I feel starved of affection, unloved and abandoned for a huge part of my week.  

Like you say, for the first few months the affection, sex and love was so strong from her that I felt a million dollars. Then she started getting argumentative, controlling, withdrawing sex, showing me no affection, refusing to compromise, doing exactly what she wanted even if she knew it hurt me etc.

Whenever I attempted to explain to her how I was feeling, she'd just say I was 'needy' or childish. These BPD women create 'needy' men because of the way they treat us. If we were given the usual and normal amount of love and affection we're entitled to, then we wouldn't go searching for it. We pine for what *should* be there, we need it and we crave it. 

As for the sex thing, you're lucky that you can attribute that to pregnancy hormones. My BPD partner comes to me for a kiss and a cuddle when *she* wants it...which is infrequent. She comes to me for sex when *she* wants it...which is even more infrequent. Usually she only wants sex when she's drunk! If I try to initiate it at *any* time I am rebuffed, we only have sex when she initiates it. BPD women in my experience are very selfish and don't respect or give a damn about their partner's needs. Blame it on the illness but the end result to nons is pure and unadulterated emotional abuse.

I also hear what you say regarding avoiding conversations. If I want to discuss something and it doesn't fit-in with her requirements, she will blank it. If I walk on eggshells constantly, don't pull her up on the lack of affection & sex, don't criticise her at all, let her do exactly what she wants, accept the blame for *everything* and basically act like a complete doormat, then the relationship is 'ok' for her. The trouble is, how can anyone sustain such a relationship?

I am madly in love with my BPD partner but a growing increasingly fearful for my own sanity!

Those are my thoughts exactly. Our relationship is new so I fear that things are “just getting started” so to speak. I don’t know if it going to get better or worse. I mean, we are still getting used to each other and she is still pregnant. So even thought I know that things will never be absolutely perfect, I have hope that after the pregnancy and she recovers and goes back on her regular meds and not the substitutes that she will go back to the way she was. Im trying to adapt myself to wanting affection less. She does call me needy and childish like you say and its usually over the smallest things. A hug or kiss when I get home from work or one of those “spur of the moment” kinda things. She pulls away and I get “Babe, Im not in a touchy mood” (I tell her that she usually never is).

Are you still with this girl? Has she been diagnosed properly and on meds/therapy?

Yes she has been diagnosed BPD with HPD tendencies. I am still with her but don't know how much more I can take. I think I know now that I will never get the girl back who I fell in love with. After approx 3 months she morphed into a different person. It's hard. We nons have to deal with so much yet get very little by way of 'reward' for our troubles. Reading these boards I think we both know what the future holds!
The trouble is, as soon as I get some affection, as soon as she gives me an evening of romance and sex, I start to thinking that the relationship can maybe work again...only for the exact-same cycle to begin again. It's like Groundhog Day!

For the most part you sound like you've got a pretty good handle on all this.

And it's a bonus that she is in therapy already, plus if you are prepared to go to therapy together, that is great.

It's important to be aware that the major trigger for any destructive behaviour is stress; the person displaying borderline traits has a poorly regulated stress response. Things that you might not intend to be attacks can be intepreted as attacks and responded to almost as if they are life threatening (i.e. kick off a fight or flight response). She may start fights with you because something you do or represent is perceived and interpreted as a threat and she will do this to drive you away, or she may run away because something you do or represent is perceived and interpreted as a danger.

I am sure you don't need anyone to tell you, but you may have a bumpy ride ahead and you may get hurt. And there will be times when nothing you do will be right. There will be times when you will be perceived as a danger and you will need to withdraw to a safe distance, but reachable and available, and then wait for her to reach out to you.

Try to devoid demeaning her, criticising her, being too confrontational with her. All these could be perceived as attacks.

Try to avoid letting her dominate you, etc. Borderlines can sometimes be very controlling, it's a way of controlling their fear.

One thing;

She pulls away and I get “Babe, Im not in a touchy mood” (I tell her that she usually never is).

This response could be perceived as a form of attack (even if she doesn't outwardly respond immediately, she will be filing it away to use later). Try to avoid absolutes, like "never".

Good luck

I just wish that she knew how much it takes to make this relationship work. We have been together since november or december and I still think it can work. I don’t want to leave her especially now with a little one on the way. On the plus side we live in a basement apartment and her mom is upstairs. Whenever she has an issue she runs to her mom and her mom knows how to deal with her. I envy this and I wish I could do whatever it is that she does. All in all im scared that im going to lose hope.

If you think that you can cope with a lifetime of scant affection, irregular sex, zero empathy for your plight and all the pressure that bringing-up a child with someone will bring - let alone one afflicted with BPD....then you had better get used to your role as a doormat! My experience of spending 18 months with a BPD partner offers me no scope to be positive I'm afraid. Like the previous poster said though, at least she is actively pursuing therapy and that can only be a good thing. Personally, I'm finding the prospect of a lifetime of 'walking on eggshells' and putting my own relationship needs on the back burner (permanently) an increasingly unappealing prospect. With your little one on the way, you're kind of resigned to it at least in the medium term. Best of luck mate.

Thanks. It sucks that it has to happen to the girl I really love. Sometimes I feel like why couldn’t it be a girl that I didn’t really care about (I know that sounds awful but I have no other way to say it :/ ) I love this girl and everything about her, and its not all bad! We do go out and have fun doing things and she’s kinda dorky just like me. But the affection thing idk…I just got out of my last relationship that lasted 9 ½ years because of a lack of intimacy. But I still have hope because my last relationship to a non BPD girl was bad. It felt like we were roomates. We never did anything together and I started to dispise her complaining and her not willing to change small things to make it work.

In comparison of the two im still glad that I have my BPD GF. She started to get curious and I reassured her (the new one) that no matter what happens, I am not going back to my ex. I actually left her because I started to feel like a doormat in that relationship too lol. I felt that way for years before we split, and it was far worse than my BPD GF…well…kinda….

My GF’s parents tell me that it was much much worse in the past and I came in on an upswing. I hope it stays up. It bothers me that they don’t have the perception of their daughters BPD from a lovers point of view.

For the time being its not so bad. I think I can cope with it and enjoy her as I hope to. Im optimistic that things will get better in the future when she gets back on her meds and we have a therapist that understands BPD so…I am still hopeful.

I know its nice to have encouragement but I don’t see much of it on this topic. So I hope that I can stick this out and make it a success story. (even if it seems to be the only one). I pray often that God helps me to make this relationship work. Its not too bad now but nobody knows what the future holds.

Ok reading that again i have to clarify...the parents perception from a lovers point of view:

I mean that it bothers me that they dont see a lack of affection and intimacy obviously because they are her parents. People arent intimate with their parents.

Just had to clear that up because it sounded sketchy lol

I can help you with this. I am the same way. I HATE affection 90% of the time. If I was pregnant.. I bet I'd hate it 150% of the time. The key here is to NEVER push her into showing you affection. When I've been pushed I get angry and resent it. If you act real sweet to her and be very understanding she will appreciate it and slowly give you affection. That's how I am. I like everything to be done for me. I don't like to do much of anything other than stay home. Just have a lot of patience with her. If there's anything else you'd like to know..feel free to ask me.